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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice on leaving an emotionally abusive relationship

11 replies

UserUser12 · 05/05/2020 22:27

I have been in an emotionally and verbally abusive marriage for six years. We have two children. The day before lockdown things escalated and I realised i needed to leave the relationship for our children, if not for me. Unfortunately lockdown happened so we are still living together. When lockdown ends I intend to ask him to move out.

I want to keep things amicable so we can coparent. However I believe he may be a narcissist as well as emotionally abusive so I want to be fully prepared. Any advice for leaving an emotionally abusive narcissist?

OP posts:

12345kbm · 05/05/2020 22:31

What kind of advice are you looking for?

jamaisjedors · 05/05/2020 22:34

It's already huge that you have recognised that you are in an abusive relationship and are planning carefully rather than rushing.

I have been in your position and left with a lot of help from mn and also in real life.

Have you started talking to other people about it?

That made it real for me and harder to go back and change my mind.

Classic advice on here is to see a solicitor and you absolutely should.

If you are in an emotionally abusive relationship your self esteem will be very low and you will be prone to thinking "he won't let me"..."I can't.."

Get it straight in your head about your legal position so that you can remain calm and form when your H tries to bamboozle you and confuse you.

Have you already opened an individual bank account?

Maybe get it clear in your mind what you will do if he refuses to go, which I expect he will.

You may have to get the ball rolling to get the house allocated to you BEFORE you even talk to him as you may have to wait months for a court date (not sure how it works in the UK).

OhioOhioOhio · 05/05/2020 22:35

Yes. Don't waste one second feeling sorry for him or giving him the benefit of the doubt. Always remember that he will never change. Look up Hoovering before he tries to make you fall for it.

jamaisjedors · 05/05/2020 22:37

Dont expect it to be amicable, even if it seems like it at the start.

You can coparent later but right now focus on your rights so he doesn't walk all over you.

You can expect him to tell you things aren't that bad,all couples have their problems, are you really going to ruin your children's lives...

Make firm plans so you can't be swayed.

Heartburn888 · 05/05/2020 22:41

Don’t fall for his bullshit

He will beg and plead that he will change and beg for just one more chance. He won’t change it’s just another load of bullshit

My advice is keep strong and stick to your guns.
He will turn more abusive when he realises he is not winning you over and if he does weasel his way back in there, before you give him any Leigh way, just remind yourself of all the bad times

jamaisjedors · 05/05/2020 22:42

If you want to be 100% sure it's him not you (the problem), read Patricia Evans "The verbally abusive relationship " on kindle or Amazon.

You will understand his mindset and how you are living in 2 different realities and so there is no "making him understand".

People on mn told me that but I finally understood whfn I read this book, previously I was scrupulous about "being fair " and giving exh a chance.

I felt terribly guilty making plans to leave behind his back because I thought that as adults we should be able to discuss things rationally and in the children's best interests.

I was wrong.

jamaisjedors · 05/05/2020 22:43

Oh yes, good tip from in here, write down all the reasons you are leaving on a piece of paper and carry it round in your pocket.

You can put your hand on it while you are talking and it will help you stay strong.

Original poster

UserUser12 · 05/05/2020 22:56

Thank you, this is really helpful.

I have my own bank account.

I've told two people which has been really helpful.

I'll try to get hold of the Patricia Evan's book , thank you

OP posts:

Doyoumind · 05/05/2020 23:03

It won't be amicable and he will probably be around causing problems for you for a long time to come but you will be better off out of this marriage.

Stick to your guns and don't let him carry on manipulating you. Don't try and reason with him or be nice because he won't be nice or reasonable so it won't benefit you at all.

Original poster

UserUser12 · 05/05/2020 23:13

How do i ensure the kids are ok?

So far all his abuse has been directed at me, although he does do it in front of them and it terrifies them. When he starts kicking off now my two year old will take my hand to pull me into a different room. It breaks my heart.

He will want to share custody which I would want too if hes not abusive to them but it terrifies me that he will be abusive to them and I won't be there to protect them.

OP posts:

jamaisjedors · 05/05/2020 23:45

Don't agree to joint custody with a 2 year old.

Start off small and get rules in place- remember these rules or "habits" for visits will be used as a precedent if there is a custody battle and the courts seem to take the attitude that if a set up is working for the dc, why upset things?

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