Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Bf says I can hook up with anyone I like - should I?

15 replies

malloryy · 05/05/2020 11:10

My boyfriend (20) and I (20) have been together for a year and a half and things have been going well. He's already bought up the idea of marriage and moving in together, suggesting that we're going to spend the rest of our lives together.
He's my first ever boyfriend and therefore the first and only person I've slept with. He, on the other hand, has slept with multiple girls. This doesn't bother me, but it feels as if I'm missing out. I've bought this up to him and I don't think he fully understands, but he says that if I really want to, I can hook up with anyone with his permission.
I've suggested threesomes but he's highly against the idea as he says he's too protective and would hate to physically see me with anyone else.
At the moment, I doubt I would sleep with anyone else, but if in the future I feel trapped or lonely (he's in the army) I feel like if I were to ask him about it again, he would understandably be upset and worried.
Contrary to my bf, sex isn't a big thing and I've told him that he can do the same, but he says I'm the only only other person he's ever going to sleep with.
Should I do it at the risk of him becoming upset? Am I a terrible girl friend? Should I completely drop the idea?

OP posts:

KylieKoKo · 05/05/2020 11:18

You'll get some pearl clutching on here but monogamy isn't compulsory.

I would say that if you don't want to at the moment and you have doubts then don't do anything just yet but there's no reason not to explore the possibilities and and possible consequences in your mind and with your boyfriend.

ravenmum · 05/05/2020 11:18

He is talking about you being together forever.
How about you, is that what you fancy?
You're very young and have no other comparison. My daughter's in the same boat. Her bf is lovely, but I'd rather she got some more experience. I wish I had, too.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 05/05/2020 11:41

Open relationships can work (I know this from personal experience) but they require good communication and all parties to be on board. Its a cliche of poly life that you spend more time talking about sex than actually having it :)

Have you done any research into it? Dan Savage is a good introduction, and the book The Ethical Slut is a popular text (although by no means compulsory).

Think about your ideal scenario - is this a fantasy of a hot stranger who then vanishes from your life, someone who you would have an occasional FWB arrangement, or an ongoing connection and regular contact which isn't just sex?

MsChatterbox · 05/05/2020 11:44

The fact that he doesn't want to sleep with someone else, and has already admitted that he feels possessive (which in my view is just normal in this context) I don't think he would be able to be comfortable in the relationship knowing you had slept with someone else. I think it would probably cause you both to separate after a lot of heartache and mistrust on his part. So no I wouldn't personally recommend it.

Menora · 05/05/2020 11:45

You are 20. Just enjoy being 20 and enjoying life. You have no idea where you will be or what you are doing even next year - life changes rapidly when you are young. And so it should. You should not be planning your relationship for when you are 90 when you are 20 - even more so when you have limited relationship or life experience. Can you enjoy what you have now and see where life takes you? I don’t think it’s always conducive to a RS to plan to have an open RS if the other person would be jealous but if you both agree to it you just need to bear in mind it might cause long term problems of insecurity /jealousy. It’s a risk but it doesn’t make you bad

category12 · 05/05/2020 11:50

This doesn't bother me, but it feels as if I'm missing out. You don't see a contradiction in this sentence?

You're only 20: it's unlikely that this is your "forever" relationship. He seems a bit too eager to settle down too quickly. It's ok not to be ready for that.

If he's genuinely alright with you shagging someone else and you want to, then what's the issue? Tbh, these things generally backfire, tho - it'll turn out he's really hurt by it and holds it over your head forever more or you'll fall for the person you shag.

ravenmum · 05/05/2020 11:51

it feels as if I'm missing out. I've bought this up to him and I don't think he fully understands, but he says that if I really want to, I can hook up with anyone with his permission.
Is that what you were even talking about - hooking up with others with his permission?
Or were you questioning the idea of being with him forever?
You don't need his permission to live your own life.

AndWhat · 05/05/2020 11:55

I met my husband at 17. He was my first (and only) whereas he was previously experienced. I’ve never had a feeling I missed out even now 20 years later.
I would be questioning why you feel you are missing out first

Raidblunner · 05/05/2020 12:02

Contrary to some peoples opinion open relationships do not work! Its not the overall ideal partnership model, if it were everyone would be doing it. Intimacy between two people ideally should be sacred and exclusive. That said your very young still and your relationship would soon fall apart if you start sleeping around with other men whilst within your relationship. At this stage keep things relaxed and light and see how things go. Don't make big decisions and put pressure on yourselves.

SunShine682 · 05/05/2020 12:04

I would be questioning why you feel you are missing out first

Because having sex with a different man/men is completely different experience and sometimes people need/want to explore what’s out there and never think ‘we’ll what would it be like...’

12345kbm · 05/05/2020 14:03

This is a ridiculous idea OP and I have no idea why you're entertaining it.

Treacletoots · 05/05/2020 14:10

It's not going to end well. But you've got to find it out for yourself really.

He will get jealous, you could meet an amazing lover who will make you feel you're missing out or you could just as likely find that the other shag is terrible (more likely) and you've opened a can of worms you can't close.

You're very young. If you're thinking this now, it's probably best to set him free, have your fun and if you're meant to be together you'll find your way back to each other. If not, then it wasn't meant to be.

caramelbun · 05/05/2020 14:17

He will not be able to handle it and you'll end up breaking up.

to be honest I think a lot of men would want to break up if their girlfriend even floated this idea in conversation. I'm not saying it's right or fair.

not wanting to settle down at 20 is understandable but I doubt you can have new experiences and simultaneously keep this man who wants to spend his life with you.

StarlightLady · 05/05/2020 14:40

In my view, nobody should settle with the first person they have sex with, you need to experience others, even if you return to that person later. You are going to always wonder otherwise.

How you resolve it though is down to you.

Delbelleber · 05/05/2020 14:45

I think you would ruin your relationship. If you want to sleep with other guys then break up with him because whether he agreed you could or not you will break his heart.

Flip