Here is my story hope I don’t get judged to badly.
Growing up my dad was a iv amphetamine drug addict, And dealt drugs to cover the cost of his addiction in and out of prison. Drug raids were normal at my house and I’d be sat in my room while riot vans were ripping my house apart looking through the window to ignore what was going on in the house (usually 8 or more police holding my dad down while my mum was screaming) I just stood silently wishing people would mind their own buisness and not be out in the street all watching.
my mum was mentally ill in and out of hospital so never really had a permanent parental figure. When I was 13 my sister was born through a affair meaning she wasn’t my dads the arguments got worse so I stopped coming home and just slept at my 15yo boyfriends house besides his mum cooked me food and washed my clothes.
I was aged 8 when I first started hearing voices I wasn’t frightened it was nice not to be alone with my thoughts anymore by the time I moved in with my boyfriend aged 13 I was completely psychotic.
Mum and dad we’re constantly fighting couldn’t deal with it unfortunately due to my abandonment issues from my parents and my psychotic illnesses ( now diagnosed bipolar 1 and schizophrenia) I used to get frightened he would abandon me too so I wrongly started doing bad things so he would prove he loved me, often threatening to cheat so he would cry and I would feel reassured that I was loved wrong I know well 6 months into the relationship he started hitting me my fault I guess for all the times I made him cry.
At age 14 I was sexually abused by a man in the street my dad found out when I confided in him and the man was given a beating.
Our relationship continued to fall badly into decay going as far as rape all the while my dad was getting worse into drugs and I sat there and watched my dad slowly die inside all remnants of the man I knew slowly dying. At age 15 he hit drug induced psychosis and attempted to kill my mum we went to live with my uncle for 6 weeks before we went back. Me and my boyfriend had been meeting up regularly as we really were inseparable at this point he was working nights and his family always welcomed me so I would sleep there while he was in work anything rather than be at home with my parents.
At 15 and a half my dad again tried to kill my mum during drug psychosis me present this time in the middle of my school they were screaming shouting and arguing and I was stood in the middle as usual then my favorite teacher came out and told me to come to her so I did and left them to it where teachers calmed the situation down until police arrived.
We went to live in a refuge and I was finding it hard being away from my boyfriend although things had deteriorated rapidly and what was once occasional fights had turned into constant fights. When my mood was on a high I fought back when I was on a low I just surrendered.
After 3 months I fell pregnant I moved in with my boyfriend officially and things seemed good started feeling like maybe life was worth living. Then I went to butlins with my mum for a weekend when I returned I found out my boyfriend had not only taken amphetamine but had a girl sleep over. I went charging over and a huge argument occurred then he hit me and at this point something inside me broke I walked out and the next week my dad paid for me to go have a private termination I was not going to tie myself and my babies down to the same life I had lived a mentally ill mum abusive relationship and a drug addicted father. After this my head totally went I was bleeding too much I knew this I was in agony but I didn’t care I knew I was dying but I didn’t care. I had nothing to live for or so I thought.i went to the toilet and my womb was protruding from my vagina but I didn’t care. Then my sister came in the room and I couldn’t do it to her. So I told my mum and I spent a month in gynae no clue what was wrong exactly my head was too messed up to care all I know is something had caused a hemorrhage and prolapsed womb.
I was seen by psychiatrist I told him all about my manic highs and depression and the voices in my head and things I saw that others couldn’t. However I was misdiagnosed with ptsd and given a year psychotherapy. I didn’t go out much and one day I woke up and felt fine so I assumed I had done it I had sorted my head out. I went out got a job got who I thought was a good boyfriend and at age 17 I had my ds1 I breastfed and I reacted weirdly post natal, I hated people touching my baby, and felt so frightened and anxious wouldn’t sleep at night, but after about 6 months it passed.
I had the perfect family life and bought a house and at 21 I gave birth to DD1 post natal my this time I again breastfed yet I went even more controlling than on DS got very snappy with people visiting and just wanted to be left alone only people I didn’t mind coming was my mum and dsis. It passed then at age 22 that feeling the one I thought would never come again happened I was manic I wouldn’t stop going out. My thoughts were racing I couldn’t sleep couldn’t sit down and was hyper sexual begin desiring things ex DH couldn’t give me I needed abusive sex really abusive and I begged DH to abuse me but he wouldn’t the high was getting unbearable and I went out and found someone who would abuse me sexually. Yes I cheated and would ask the man to hurt me while I laughed. Then I came home one night DH aHad his hands in his head and for some reason I felt tired so I went to bed I woke up guilt ridden and feeling normal I confessed to DH what I had done and went to crisis I was admitted to psychiatric hospital and diagnosed bipolar 1
DS has always had development delays and I was fighting to get her a diagnosis at age 2 she was diagnosed with severe ASD, I shortly after realized that I was pregnant with DD2 I stayed on a low dose of olanzapine during pregnancy and breastfed on it successfully. However again after birth I became withdrawn DS 1 was being investigated for adhd DS had severe ASD and I had bipolar 1 I shut everyone out and continued to decay. I was now taking a large dose of olanzapine and had gained a lot of weight DH was moaning about weight gain and become quite abusive shouting at me for eating and not cleaning or buying take away constantly. I wanted to admit myself but DH refused saying he couldn’t take time of work.
DH wouldn’t let me tell anyone about my bipolar not even my mum so I was left to suffer aloe I wasn’t taking good enough care of my dc and I knew this but no one would help.
My mood changed to the word manic I had ever had in my life and I run away something I will never feel ok about. Even while manic I hated myself and wanted to die on a mania so I found the most abusive drug addict I could and moved in I was swallowing amphetamine at first but within three months was injecting it. I still saw my dc regularly and was always clean they still have no idea I was a addict. New do would rape me and abuse me the worst was the sleep deprivation he would never let me sleep and I continued injecting amohetamine hoping the devil would hurry up and claim me for where else could someone who had done what I had done possibly go.
For 18 months I continued requiring many trips to hospital for drug overdoses and abuse once I was raped so severely I needed sticthes. I lied to everyone saying a stranger raped me. I spent many months homeless even through winter but still washed and put clean clothes on and turned up to see my kids clean and tidy.
Then 18 months into using ( my mum who since I have been a adult has been mentally stable and amazing) was caring for my dc well she stopped me seeing my kids for just one month after the serious rape in a attempt to get me to wake up at the end of the month she was called to my flat. I had not slept in a month and had injected every hour for the last month. Ambulance wanted to admit me but I was refusing I had been battered and my mum walked in a room to see me sat surrounded by dirty needles covered in bruises with blood running out of multiple needle sites. I was crying the first time since I lost my kids I was no longer on a manic high and my mum who had seen my mood swings all my life recognized this and said only 5 words ‘you want to come home’ I cried ‘yes mum’ and for the first time since walking away from my kids I held my arms out allowing myself to be touched she said move the dirty needles which I flung to the floor and we sat there holding each other crying. I went to hospital then went to my mums.
My psychiatrist who I had been refusing to see at this point rediagnosed me with bipolar and schizophrenia and my meds were severely increased. I spent 6 agonizing months unable to sleep crying constantly in agony taking overdoses of co codamol and aspirin just to sleep but eventually I got through it. I was given 3 different types of therapy (ACAT 16 weeks, domestic violence therapy from dart 6 months and sexual abuse therapy a year from new pathways)
After two years my head was stable and I moved into my own place having my dc on my own half the week then after 4 years I was given full custody now 6 years on I am strong and happy and love my life I will never have another relationship as don’t trust my ability to have firm boundaries. I still have episodes but they are manageable and I cope. I still have my issues but me and my psychiatrist are working through them.
So happy with life I’ll never go back where I was I look after my kids ) days a week and go to town with my friend once a week I have a fwb who satisfies any needs I have but I won’t let people visit me at my house as I don’t trust my abilities to maintain boundaries and want my kids to feel safe and secure. Sorry if my post is difficult to understand first time writing it all down please don’t judge me too harshly I really am trying my best. I am posting in addiction, relationships and mental health as not sure where this actually goes. Thanks if you read this.