Sorry, this will be long.
Been together almost 10 years. He's late 30s, I'm early 30s.
I'll start off by saying we've had a lot of stress in our relationship. About 4 years ago we were dealing with a lot of drama with my family - absolute narcs, the lot of them. It was resolved 2 years ago and I'm NC with them now.
Due to this drama, our relationship has taken a back seat. He's never been the romantic lovey-dovey type, but all intimacy stopped. We don't kiss, cuddle, hold hands, nothing. Sex is rare. Almost non-existent.
When the drama was resolved, I thought brilliant we can get on with our lives now. This hasn't happened. He does literally nothing. I do all the cleaning, washing, DIY, I even book his car MOT and doctors appointments for him. He wont take any initiative. Works at the same dead-end job which he hates but won't do anything about because "Brexit" or "job hunting is too hard" or various other reasons.
I experienced a major hiccup in my job last year (company restructuring) and was almost made redundant. I'm the bread winner so this was a huge deal. I signed myself up for an online course and told him he needs to step up with housework etc because I need to do this qualification while also working a 50 hour week. He stepped up for 2 or 3 days, then went back to his old ways. He leaves everything at his arse. I spend the evening cleaning, it's a shit tip by the next day. I do his washing and ask him to put it away, it gets left in a heap on the floor. Dishes left next to the dishwasher for me to put away. This goes on daily for months. Every day it's like he's saying a massive "FUCK YOU".
I don't like to nag but when confronted he says he's just got no motivation since the drama. Yes it was traumatic but life needs to go on. I have zero family now and it's not exactly been easy for me either! I've offered to pay for counsellors etc for him. No. He just spends all day every day watching YouTube and doing nothing. He says he needs to "build up" to doing anything and if that doesn't work, he can't do it at all.
Last night we went out for a few drinks at the pub. I admittedly drank too much and was very intoxicated. We both were. There was a man there and we got chatting at the bar. A proper real conversation for once about history, a mutual interest. This went on for some time and I feel we did have a connection of some sort. He left, and I went outside a few minutes later because I was starting to feel a bit unwell with the alcohol. Unbeknown to me, the man was still there and he kissed me. I haven't been kissed or even had any ounce of affection for years, so stupidly I didn't stop him.
DP came outside, saw this, and flew into a rage. He threw a glass at me, cutting my arm. Blood pouring. He then took my purse and went home, leaving me stranded with no money for a taxi home. The guy behind the bar had to loan me money.
I got home and DP had locked the gate knowing full well I couldn't reach the lock to get in. (The taxi driver managed to reach it for me). This morning I find that he has cut up all my bank cards, and hid my house keys so I couldn't get out. He says he didn't want me "sneaking out anywhere".
We talked today and I told him how undervalued and unappreciated I feel, he said "well write me a list and I'll do the cleaning every Tuesday". I don't need him to clean, I just need him to start acting like a proper grown-up.
I know what I did was wrong, I don't deny that. I feel awful. I've apologised to him. He has spent the rest of the day saying nothing and holding his head in his hands. I understand he's upset. I would be too. His cousin phoned this evening and he was all bright and cheerful like nothing happened. Then was laughing at stuff on tv. An hour later hes slumped on the stairs saying he feels sick and dizzy. I can hear him how pacing upstairs. Hes acting like I've just killed someone!
Words can't express how bad I feel. It was so out of character for me. I admit it was nothing more than feeling "wanted" for 5 minutes. I would never have seen this man again and regretted kissing him almost the moment it happened.
I'm not sure why I'm posting. I've been horrible, I admit. But with his reaction, I just know hes going to make me "pay for this" and use it as an excuse to do even less. I love him still, I really do. (Although the resentment is horrific) Am I kidding myself? Do I need to call time or do I deserve this?