New boyfriend of only a month talking about getting me pregnant...massive red flag?

[abwhite100]

So this is a weird one. Met my boyfriend online about 5 weeks ago, all in all have only had 7 dates. Each date has gone really well, we have loads in common, loads of chemistry, laughs a lot and I have genuinely never felt so comfortable and more able to be myself with someone in my whole life. But there have been some massive red flags and I have made mistakes by ignoring red flags in my last relationships and I'm at the stage where I have a little girl to consider and so I want to be sensible.

1st red flag. He is 30 and only had a girlfriend for 6 months, he claims he has never been in love.

2 nd red flag. He told me he loved me after our 4th date. He claims he knew after our first date and has never felt like this with anyone ever before. He says when you know you know.

3 rd red flag. He is very very very intense and has admitted himself he is a jealous person. He has made some controlling comments for example, I have a male friend whom is straight, he told me drinks with him won't be happening whilst I'm in a relationship with him.

4 th massive red flag. He stayed over at mine the other night, we have been using condoms as I am not on contraception as I am really sensitive to hormones and find nothing tends to agree with me. After sex the other night, he said, "you know I really don't want to use condoms, I only do because you want to but I like taking risks" then he kept going on and on in a jokey manner about how he is going to get me pregnant. This gave me absolute goosebumps especially as I said about 5 times that I do not want any more kids at this point in my life as I want to get my degree before even considering it. He still continued to make jokes saying he could pull out but he couldn't trust himself, or he would just not tell me he was about to cum and cum inside me without me knowing.

I really like this guy, I've not felt so connected to someone ever, but this pregnancy talk has really upset me and caused me to think about whether I should walk away regardless of the connection.

Should I discuss with him? Or should I walk?

I'm worried if I discuss he'll say he was only having a joke and put it on me making me look crazy.

The reason that he feels like a soulmate and more connected than anyone else is because he's doing a technique to make you feel that. It's very manipulative but it also means it's completely false.

This sounds truly horrifying to me.

When I started dating again if I picked up any red flags or gut feelings I would a, completely stop any contact with that person, b, not mention those red flags to them.

If they think they go unnoticed they will continue with other women and this gives them the warning signs to get out. If you tell them what their red flags were, they can disguise them and it makes them better abusers.

if a man told me I can't socialise with male friends I would tell him to fuck off. has he suggested you move in together.

@Bananalanacake actually he had a disciplinary at work yesterday and he said to me that should he get fired he'd be moving in with me. He said it in a "jokey" manner and I just replied saying "absolutely not" and no more was said

He seems to joke about a lot of the stuff and I'm not sure if that is so if I ever bring it up he can just pass it all off as a joke

I'm a bloke and believe me what that bloke says and does is not normal...he gives us normal blokes a bad name with his controlling behaviour ..I'd scarper...FAST!!!

Fucking hell, if he's your 'one' how bad were your exes??? You would be extremely stupid to not block this dickhead.

Please, have you made a firm decision to break it off yet? This thread is making me very anxious. He is a very dangerous man indeed who has already escalated alarmingly fast into actual abusive behaviour and yet you just keep taking it. It's like watching someone walk over the edge of a cliff...

Also, yes. He is "joking" about it to give himself plausible deniability and so he can call you crazy later because "I was only joking", and he knows that all of your "that won't happen" statements are weak and breakable because you are still there.

You are NOT stupid. Your instincts have kicked in and you're right to question everything he has said.

I don't think I've ever read a more unanimous thread. Please, please, PLEASE tell us you've ended it.

Do not meet him in person to do it. Do not try and rationalise it. He will twist and turn everything back on you and totally fuck your head up.

Just send him a text, 'This isn't working for me and I won't be seeing you again. Please don't try and contact me.'

Then BLOCK.

Definitely talk to your counsellor about this.

good. stand your ground. but did he really have a disciplinary or is he fabricating a scenario to move in with you. tell him you need to think of your dc and not have a man move in until they leave for university.

You've just found yourself another 2 red flags OP. Joking to test your boundaries and a disciplinary at work.

Well done for working this out after only a few dates. You have had a very lucky escape.

Now have you worked out how you will break up with him? Make sure its something he cant argue with or try and turn round against you. My advice is to not go into the specifics (that you have realised he is controlling and manipulative) but say something like you are not really attracted to him anymore and he deserves someone who is.

He still continued to make jokes saying he could pull out but he couldn't trust himself, or he would just not tell me he was about to cum and cum inside me without me knowing.

Don't walk, run.

If you talk he'll minimise, say he was joking etc.

One month in!!! ONE MONTH!

I say this with love OP but what the ACTUAL fuck are you thinking?

Already controlling, already telling you which friends you are "allowed" to see, talking about pregnancy.

Joking about cumming inside you even if you didn't want him too - he just wouldn't tell you? I'm cringing at how gross this is.

Four weeks.

30 days.

You must see how incredibly ridiculous this is?

People are usually on their best behaviour for at least the first month - way the fuck will he be like in future?

Bin him OP!

Yeah, unless what he is saying has you laughing, it isn’t a ‘joke’.

Yes I have made the definite decision to end it with him. I don't feel that awful to be honest, it's a bit like a relief cause I feel my gut has been screaming at me and I've been really on edge with it all.

I am going to text him and say, "I've been having a think and I'm not ready for anything serious at the moment. Enjoyed spending time with you. Take care x" ? Then block.

Jesus id be telling him the truth, not trying to spare his feelings.

Oh OP. You are certainly not stupid or silly. These people are experts at manipulation. You were looking for love and he made you see what you wanted to see.

Please get out. He will end up being very controlling and is possibly hoping to "trap you" by getting you pregnant. Think of your little girl, she shouldn't get caught up in this either.

Best of luck. You'll find someone else who's more deserving and will treat you properly.

I don’t think she’s trying to spare his feelings, she is trying to get out with as little drama as possible by not giving him anything he can argue against or explain away.

@abwhite100

I've just read your latest posts re slapping and I really think it would be worth you having some regular counselling ASAP to avoid being with someone with so many red flags again.

This is NOT a criticism of you - god knows I've been with some absolute arseholes and stayed with them a stupid amount of time.

But counselling will help you unravel why you're ignoring red flags when you recognise them.

The plus side is your spidey senses do work and that's half the battle - now you need someone to help you listen to those senses and act accordingly.

Hope you're ok 

That message is great OP.

Shes not trying to 'spare his feelings' shes being clever by not getting involved in a conversation with someone known for being manipulative.

When I went for treatment for PTSD, which was a result of my marriage, my counselor said to me "If I walk into a waiting room of people, I can see who are my patients. Do you not think these perpetrators can spot you as well?"

You are not stupid. You have been singled out by a cunning manipulator. They don't walk along with a badge saying "I'm an abuser", they are clever and they ensnare the best of us.

The only stupid thing you could do now is have any further contact with this man. End all contact. Don't respond to anything he says to you. Block him completely. There is no other way.

Bloody hell, alarm klaxons are going off!

Run.

Run fast. Run far. And do not look back.

Run

she is trying to get out with as little drama as possible by not giving him anything he can argue against or explain away
Agreed. I'd actually say 'I'm not ready for a relationship right now' as 'anything serious' is something he can argue against - 'we're just having fun, you're the one who's misinterpreted it as serious', etc. etc. Yes he'll be blocked, but he knows where she lives.

That message is perfect.

If he shows up do not answer the door, he sounds unhinged!

Good for you @abwhite100 .

Please do listen to pps advice regarding working on your self esteem and staying single until you learn how to put firm boundaries in place.

Don't feel bad about getting into a relationship with this guy , let's just call him that one last mistake before you begin making better and healthier choices.

Good luck