New boyfriend of only a month talking about getting me pregnant...massive red flag?

[abwhite100]

So this is a weird one. Met my boyfriend online about 5 weeks ago, all in all have only had 7 dates. Each date has gone really well, we have loads in common, loads of chemistry, laughs a lot and I have genuinely never felt so comfortable and more able to be myself with someone in my whole life. But there have been some massive red flags and I have made mistakes by ignoring red flags in my last relationships and I'm at the stage where I have a little girl to consider and so I want to be sensible.

1st red flag. He is 30 and only had a girlfriend for 6 months, he claims he has never been in love.

2 nd red flag. He told me he loved me after our 4th date. He claims he knew after our first date and has never felt like this with anyone ever before. He says when you know you know.

3 rd red flag. He is very very very intense and has admitted himself he is a jealous person. He has made some controlling comments for example, I have a male friend whom is straight, he told me drinks with him won't be happening whilst I'm in a relationship with him.

4 th massive red flag. He stayed over at mine the other night, we have been using condoms as I am not on contraception as I am really sensitive to hormones and find nothing tends to agree with me. After sex the other night, he said, "you know I really don't want to use condoms, I only do because you want to but I like taking risks" then he kept going on and on in a jokey manner about how he is going to get me pregnant. This gave me absolute goosebumps especially as I said about 5 times that I do not want any more kids at this point in my life as I want to get my degree before even considering it. He still continued to make jokes saying he could pull out but he couldn't trust himself, or he would just not tell me he was about to cum and cum inside me without me knowing.

I really like this guy, I've not felt so connected to someone ever, but this pregnancy talk has really upset me and caused me to think about whether I should walk away regardless of the connection.

Should I discuss with him? Or should I walk?

I'm worried if I discuss he'll say he was only having a joke and put it on me making me look crazy.

“He TOLD me drinks with him won’t be happening”. THIS is all you need to know. 7 dates in and he is openly and explicitly stating how he is going to control you. Red flag 1 and 2 I could have got past, but 3 and 4 tell you why he has never had a relationship longer than 6 mo.

Check Claire's law on him and google the crap out of his name

Don't answer the door and block him on everything

I bet he won't go quietly

Don't give him any wriggle room. Just "Hi. I have decided it isn't working for me so we're over." is plenty.

I agree with you @AlunWynsKnee there's nothing to debate there. All he can do is disagree to which the answer OP can recite in her head (because she won't be replying to him) "I TOLD you I've decided it isn't working for me" End of.

but why would he want to move in with you if he is fired. he can get another job. do I detect a cocklodger in the making.

He has got some very weird ideas about what constitutes joking. It seems pretty clear that the reality is that he's checking out your reaction and aiming to open discussions by using that excuse.

Much worse than a cocklodger @Bananalanacake

I am so glad you have decided to end this. Declaring love after 4 dates, saying he wants to get you pregnant and move in, telling you that you’re not allowed to meet your friend: he’s dangerous and controlling and not someone you need in your life.

He’s slapping you across the face when you’re just talking? Can you imagine what that will escalate to? He sounds vile. And none of what he is saying or doing is a joke.

Oh god OP..... trust your gut. Even from your OP there are massive flags and subsequent posts are even worse. TBH from your first post the flags to me were 1 and 3. My DH has never been "in love" with his other girlfriends they way he has with me so thats not necessarily a flag (it could be though). We went on our second date and agreed to go on holiday together and told each other we loved each other within 1 month. So again not necessarily flags.

But the point about never being with someone longer than 6 m is weird IMO
And number 3 about your male friend is utterly appalling.

He is testing the water OP - will you let him move in, will you challenge him about seeing your friends, how do you react when he "jokingly" slaps you in the face . DH has never ever touched my face in any negative way, or as a joke, or an accident, or messing about in 20 years. You just dont do that.

If you dont get out he will start disciplining your daughter, controlling your money and it will be a downward spiral to full on DV - what an utter arsehole.

I know you might think it hurts a bit because you were starting to care for him - but pls remember: He isnt the man hes lead you to believe he is. I promise from experience there will be no "joking" or laughs in 12 months time. The generous, fun, caring person you think he is is a charade....

1 and 2 wouldn't be an issue, but 3 and 4.......fuck me, RUN!!!!

He is already trying to control you - 3 - and the comments you made about 4 have made me speechless!

He doesn't want to use condoms, said he likes taking risks (!) and will say he will withdraw but won't?! Seriously, get the fuck away from this weirdo NOW!

This is all after 5 weeks!

Good message OP. But please add it a bit about him not contacting you.

Send it!

I suspect a Sarah's Law and Claire's law application would reveal a history with this man.

Don't meet him again, just keep yourself safe.

Send that message today OP, block on every channel and google him. if he shows the first sign of harassing you contact the police and invoke Clare's Law.

I'm at reading your series of posts.

Honestly, if after everything you have described about this absolute nutjob, you can still say 'But I really like him... might be throwing away the real deal' then I have only one thing to say to you.

Do not even try to have another relationship until you have had some serious, serious therapy.

This is the kind of guy that someone with reasonable, normal boundaries would have run a mile from from the moment he commented that you wouldn't be seeing a male friend. Or 'jokily' SLAPPED YOU - wtf?! He would have had a fucking backhander in return (JOKILY YOU KNOW!) and I'd have been out of there. And the pregnancy/condom stuff? Absolutely chilling.

You need to stay away from dating because right now you are a sitting duck.

Brilliant message! Send it ASAP and move on with things

When I went for treatment for PTSD, which was a result of my marriage, my counselor said to me "If I walk into a waiting room of people, I can see who are my patients. Do you not think these perpetrators can spot you as well?

GOD Icequeen that’s terrifying! Absolutely makes sense, but didn’t realise it was that obvious!

Boundaries abwhite, that’s what gives you the protection shield against these awful people. First you work out where your red lines are and then you make sure you never compromise on them.

I was seeing someone once, it was all going well... except... he was vile about his sick ex wife, he was super keen, and even when I’d say I was too tired to speak to him (I got bronchitis) he’d ring immediately

Then he tried pushing me into meeting his (IMO apparently waaaay overly indulged ds) I said no, that it wasn’t something I wanted to do now, and that it was important not to get kids involved so soon in. He pushed and pushed then said for me to come over to see him and his ds would be in bed. I said no because I knew this wouldn’t be the case, I’d have got there and it would be like “oh little ds was soo excited to meet you, he couldn’t sleep, so I said he can stay up to say hello... I felt like he was trapping me into changing what I was comfortable with and had clearly communicated a number of times. So I ended it there.

He moved on very quickly for someone who was sooooo into me.

You absolutely can do this. You have to get rid of him, for your own safety and that of your little girl. It could after all be her that’s the objective he has.

He is already trying to control you - 3 - and the comments you made about 4 have made me speechless!

Yes. If my DH of many years came out with this I would leave him before he had time to blink. It’s not behaviour that is acceptable no matter if you are married or how long you have been together.

I think the positive thing is that OP has noticed these things, has accepted they are not normal, and due to what is obviously a troubled past is actively looking for validation that it’s not acceptable. That shows a person who’s looking to take control.

The guy seems to have targeted OP as being vulnerable and it would be prudent to execute a safe exit plan especially with a child involved as he sounds like he could turn once he realises she’s calling it a day.

made some controlling comments for example, I have a male friend whom is straight, he told me drinks with him won't be happening whilst I'm in a relationship with him.

I’d have walked after he said this.

Why are you still with him?!

You say you can be yourself around him, but yourself is the woman who has male friends who she likes to see , and the woman who does not want to be randomly slapped, or be “jokingly” threatened with forced pregnancy.
He sounds horrible.

This sounds serial killer creepy 😱 what the actual FUCK!! So glad you’re ending it.... don’t see him again!!!

Absolutely run. Red flags everywhere, enough to make bunting.

I feel for you OP, as I myself have been in abusive / controlling / unhealthy relationships in the past when I was younger and it has taken 5 years of therapy to unravel everything I was 'taught' about relationships by my primary caregivers as a child. So I completely empathise with your situation. Well done for composing that text message. Now send it, block him, and be prepared to assert your boundaries firmly if he comes knocking.

I get it and this is NOT a criticism, but PLEASE continue to work on your boundaries more. I wouldn't get into another relationship or dating for a while in fact- just take time to focus on yourself and your DD. The fact that you were calling him your "boyfriend" after only a handful of dates is a red flag for me about your boundaries here.

It can get better but you have to do the work. Read about co-dependency if it helps, and look up Lisa A Romano on YouTube.

When I finally felt stronger I 'tested' my new boundaried healthy self by going on a few dates (drinks only, no sex) with a nice and 'healthy', secure man I met. We ended up dating for 6 months very slowly, before we gradually fell in love and he is now my husband! So it can go well but I think you need to commit to your therapy work for a bit longer OP.

Well done for ending it OP, your posts have given m the chills, you've been targeted and worst of all I completely get how this has happened to you. Keep working on yourself, realising the danger before it got any worse means you have identified and abuser quickly enough that you will have a lucky escape and be more aware of these types of men in future. I hope you find someone perfect when you're ready

I agree with serial killer creepy. This man, if he moved in with you, would swiftly become increasingly controlling and violent, I guarantee it.
I would be very interested to hear what his history is.