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Original poster

New boyfriend of only a month talking about getting me pregnant...massive red flag?

310 replies

abwhite100 · 27/06/2019 10:40

So this is a weird one. Met my boyfriend online about 5 weeks ago, all in all have only had 7 dates. Each date has gone really well, we have loads in common, loads of chemistry, laughs a lot and I have genuinely never felt so comfortable and more able to be myself with someone in my whole life. But there have been some massive red flags and I have made mistakes by ignoring red flags in my last relationships and I'm at the stage where I have a little girl to consider and so I want to be sensible.

1st red flag. He is 30 and only had a girlfriend for 6 months, he claims he has never been in love.

2 nd red flag. He told me he loved me after our 4th date. He claims he knew after our first date and has never felt like this with anyone ever before. He says when you know you know.

3 rd red flag. He is very very very intense and has admitted himself he is a jealous person. He has made some controlling comments for example, I have a male friend whom is straight, he told me drinks with him won't be happening whilst I'm in a relationship with him.

4 th massive red flag. He stayed over at mine the other night, we have been using condoms as I am not on contraception as I am really sensitive to hormones and find nothing tends to agree with me. After sex the other night, he said, "you know I really don't want to use condoms, I only do because you want to but I like taking risks" then he kept going on and on in a jokey manner about how he is going to get me pregnant. This gave me absolute goosebumps especially as I said about 5 times that I do not want any more kids at this point in my life as I want to get my degree before even considering it. He still continued to make jokes saying he could pull out but he couldn't trust himself, or he would just not tell me he was about to cum and cum inside me without me knowing.

I really like this guy, I've not felt so connected to someone ever, but this pregnancy talk has really upset me and caused me to think about whether I should walk away regardless of the connection.

Should I discuss with him? Or should I walk?

I'm worried if I discuss he'll say he was only having a joke and put it on me making me look crazy.

OP posts:
Danceswithlightning · 29/06/2019 06:50

Well done op.

I wish I had listened to my gut with my ex who was exactly the same. He was a friend of a good friend and when I split from my dds dad was there to help. He then made me feel guilty for not wanting more after all he did. I was in a bad place after the breakup and had only had one bf so he used that to his advantage. Within a year I was pregnant due to a condom fail which I was never sure about since he had gone on and on about kids. He would constantly test the boundaries and when I questioned him would say it was a joke. He talked me into having a third baby then when I got pregnant said he had changed his mind and wanted me to get rid I didn't but he made life hell. It took me 10 years to get the strength to kick him out he made me a shell of a person and now I'm staying single and concentrating on my children. He still to this day pushes boundaries. Wont accept we are over and tries to hug me when he drops off or picks up the kids. I am actually scared of him these days as he is do full on and I realise some of the stuff he did to me were pretty bad.

Anyway as I said well done for getting away. Good luck to you and your dd for the future. Flowers

Bezalelle · 29/06/2019 07:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TanteRose · 29/06/2019 07:04

Bezalelle RTFT

Bezalelle · 29/06/2019 07:19

Sorry - I was harsh. I'll ask for it to be deleted.

expatinspain · 29/06/2019 07:40

You made a good decision OP. If he was older I would have thought he was my DD's dad. He started off love bombing, a bit jealous, very intense about where the relationship was going re babies and moving in etc. I had never dated anyone like that before and had just come out of a fairly boring and sexually unfulfilling marriage. I didn't spot the red flags and was quite swept away with the intensity. He was literally infatuated with me. Roll the clock on to after I had DD and the mask slipped. He was an abusive narcissist who made me into a shell of my former self. At points in the relationship I really thought I was losing my mind and had certainly lost my sense of self.

Early on I finished with him due to the intensity, but I ended up getting back with him. Don't ever make that mistake. Trust me, you will live to regret it. You've done the right thing and should stick to your guns.

VixenSixen · 29/06/2019 07:51

I read this thread to start with absolute horror and shock, I was echoing the dump and run for the hills........ But as it progressed I was so glad it turned out the way it did.

Well done OP for listening to your inner voice and getting out so early, you should be so proud for identifying those issues.... It's so easy to be drawn in by guys like this. I have encountered one or two myself.

Also, what a wonderfully supportive online network of people we have here on Mumsnet.... Each day I am learning and becoming more aware because of the threads I read on here..... The sisterhood is strong 🌈🌤️

LoveChaos · 29/06/2019 07:55

I don't think 1. is necessarily a red flag. I have known several men who have not had many relationships at 30. They tend to be more the type why was focused on studies and then their career or they may be quiet and more socially reserved.

  1. Is inappropriate to say at this stage of a relationship even if it were true.
  1. Is ridiculous and I would have left then and there. How dare he!
  1. Is psychopathic.

I hope he stays away.

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 29/06/2019 09:04

God I wish I’d come on here when I had my own narcissistic nightmare. Breaking up with him broke me in half! You’ve had a really good lucky escape here, op, and this is a great time for you - sometimes things happen for a reason, and I think this is yours. Get a really good psychotherapist, and turn your life around. I’m excited for you!

ScreamingLadySutch · 29/06/2019 09:28

Well done @abwhite100

Your instincts (THE REAL YOU) told you he was off

You listened to your gut

You put self care and sticking up for yourself over your hopes and dreams

You believed in yourself.

That is the the beginning of the rest of your life you go girl!

A dangerous loser tested you, and you ACTED to put you and your child first. That is mighty! Flowers

Did you check him under Clare's Law? Phone the police to ask about him? I bet he has a history.

LittleDoll · 29/06/2019 09:44

Fuck me I'm only on page 5 and this guy is making me and my fiance look like normal sane people. Terrifying.

MyOtherProfile · 29/06/2019 10:13

Well done OP. Good move.

mrsw2 · 29/06/2019 11:35

feel embarrassed, I'd been telling a few close friends how I'd met "the one". How cringe.

Just say , 'he wasn't as nice as I thought when I got to know him better '

Also ,well done for getting out now 💐

HoppingPavlova · 29/06/2019 12:16

You should be really proud of yourself OP and even better now that you have done it you know you CAN do it. Fantastic stuffStar.

1forAll74 · 29/06/2019 13:16

Take up running, the faster the better.

ashtrayheart · 29/06/2019 13:22

Well done OP, you dodged a bullet there.

Lizzie3869 · 29/06/2019 14:21

Well done for finishing with him, OP. You and your DD will be fine.

YesSheCan · 29/06/2019 14:25

He is love bombing you and will turn from the seemingly wonderful boyfriend into a controlling abuser. Your instincts are correct. Get out now ❤

YesSheCan · 29/06/2019 14:26

Aha, sorry, you've already done it. Well done, be proud of yourself. Don't let him wheedle his way back

greenfrontdoor · 30/06/2019 04:26

Well done on spotting this and dealing with it so well, amazing work. You should be very proud of yourself xxx

floraloctopus · 30/06/2019 04:37

Run and don't look back, this man is a controlling abuser. You deserve much better.

KittyWindbag · 30/06/2019 05:34

I’m happy you’ve taken appropriate action. Now, in the nicest possible way, you need to work on your ability at character assessment. Everything you said about this man was screaming RED FLAG. Literally everything. You have a child. You owe it to yourself and your daughter to be responsible when possibly introducing new elements into both your lives. Don’t get blinded by sex. It’s the least important thing. Kindness, respect, lack of aggression, honesty, sensible attitudes towards contraception (!) are things you ought to be looking for. Sex is nothing, in the end.

chilling19 · 30/06/2019 07:01

Well done. Took me 15 years. Thanks

YouJustDoYou · 30/06/2019 07:12

It feels a bit empowering taking control and thinking about me and my daughter for once rather than a man

Well done op Flowers

Original poster
abwhite100 · 30/06/2019 14:58

Thank you all! I did have a few missed calls from his pal on Saturday night, I'm assuming it was him phoning off his mates phone. Other than that, not a thing, thank you all! Grin

OP posts:
SavingSpaces2019 · 30/06/2019 16:55

Stay alert, guys like him don't take rejection well - especially ghosting.
He WILL try to make contact to get one-up on you/get revenge.

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