New boyfriend of only a month talking about getting me pregnant...massive red flag?

[abwhite100]

So this is a weird one. Met my boyfriend online about 5 weeks ago, all in all have only had 7 dates. Each date has gone really well, we have loads in common, loads of chemistry, laughs a lot and I have genuinely never felt so comfortable and more able to be myself with someone in my whole life. But there have been some massive red flags and I have made mistakes by ignoring red flags in my last relationships and I'm at the stage where I have a little girl to consider and so I want to be sensible.

1st red flag. He is 30 and only had a girlfriend for 6 months, he claims he has never been in love.

2 nd red flag. He told me he loved me after our 4th date. He claims he knew after our first date and has never felt like this with anyone ever before. He says when you know you know.

3 rd red flag. He is very very very intense and has admitted himself he is a jealous person. He has made some controlling comments for example, I have a male friend whom is straight, he told me drinks with him won't be happening whilst I'm in a relationship with him.

4 th massive red flag. He stayed over at mine the other night, we have been using condoms as I am not on contraception as I am really sensitive to hormones and find nothing tends to agree with me. After sex the other night, he said, "you know I really don't want to use condoms, I only do because you want to but I like taking risks" then he kept going on and on in a jokey manner about how he is going to get me pregnant. This gave me absolute goosebumps especially as I said about 5 times that I do not want any more kids at this point in my life as I want to get my degree before even considering it. He still continued to make jokes saying he could pull out but he couldn't trust himself, or he would just not tell me he was about to cum and cum inside me without me knowing.

I really like this guy, I've not felt so connected to someone ever, but this pregnancy talk has really upset me and caused me to think about whether I should walk away regardless of the connection.

Should I discuss with him? Or should I walk?

I'm worried if I discuss he'll say he was only having a joke and put it on me making me look crazy.

Do not be embarrassed! This is NOT your fault! You are wanting to find 'the one' and he has taken advantage of you and your kind heart. You have done NOTHING wrong.
You have taken positive steps to get out, to protect you and your child, so you should feel proud!

Oh my word - so glad you are listening to your instincts. Don't worry about telling your friends, just say he turned out to be a twat. You don't need to say any more than that.

Run like the wind!

ALWAYS trust your gut

Ask friends and family to call ahead if they visit you,dont answer the door straight off for a few weeks.Tell trusted people what's happened so others know your situation.Well done OP I've been following your thread and you've def done the right thing x

Thanks you to everyone for your advice and kind words I knew in my heart what was going on but I think I just needed that validation to nip it in the bud and end things x

Bloody well done OP - here's a 🍾 for your lucky escape

Well done x

Well done OP. You have done the right thing. Don't be embarrassed!

Well done abwhite100. I think I'd have a chat with your friends and say 'I feel like an idiot, I thought he was the one but I was ignoring [x, y, z]' so that next time they can give you a reality-check to make sure everything is okay. There's no need to be embarrassed, if anything we should talk about these experiences more, so that more of us are able to spot this kind of behaviour sooner.

Well done op. So so glad you could see the (massive) red flags and asked as well. It’s so easy to be reeled in, especially when in the first throes of a relationship and it’s new and exciting. I hope he leaves you alone now, but be on your guard as I doubt he’ll go quietly.

Can you tell your family and friends about him so they know in case he tries to contact them or harasses you? It’s always good to have rl support just in case.

1 and 2 could have been applied to my husband. We met when he was 30, he'd only really had a couple of short term relationships, had mainly concentrated on his career and when he turned 30 decided he wanted a wife! I actually felt the same, despite having had a long term relationship and child previously, so wasn't a red flag for me but depends what you are looking for.

Although the reason my DH hadn't had any long relationships was also partly down to his first relationship ending badly (she had some mental health issues related a previous assault) and him feeling guilty. So there were some problems related to that but there's always a reason somone is single, we all are complicated beings.

3 - for me this would be completely inappropriate, I have male friends and my DH has no issues with me spending time with them and vice versa.

4 - definitely odd, it's giving you goose bumps, this sounds like your instincts are kicking in to say he means it. As you aren't looking to have any more children in the near future, I'd have a serious conversation with him about this 'joke'.

Well done on ending it with this psycho.

Also recommend Freedom Programme and the book The Gift of Fear

Keep studying about love bombing, red flags, and boundaries in relationships. Also signs of healthy relationship and signs of unhealthy. verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse. Seriously, take notes for yourself. Decide what you won't put up with. Write it down. Talk about this with your therapist and ask for additional resources.

Be careful as he is unlikely to just accept it so have a plan for if he turns up and be adamant, no meeting for talks or anything.

Can't add to what anyone has said but with regards to contraception, I have the same issues with hormones and finally went onto the copper coil. It's been a god send!

Don’t be embarrassed, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about, your friends will see you’ve been strong and taken control of your life and probably be very pleased for you.

Don't be embarrassed.
You spotted it - you ended it.
Be proud of yourself.
Your friends will be proud too when you tell them what a nightmare this guy was.
Keep going with the counselling and please consider doing the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid!

3 and 4 absolutely no way - sprint woman sprint

I am currently in counselling as I am dealing with low self esteem and some issues with alcohol and he's well aware of this. I feel I've been stupid.

You’ve not been stupid, you listened to your gut( one of the wisest things you can do) and your head brought you here for support, then you ended it. That is the very opposite of stupid.

And your self esteem can rise up a few notches for valuing yourself so much.

The interesting thing about these power dynamics is that once you start listening to your gut , once you start saying no to being used like this you attract and are attracted to a really different sort of man.

A man who wants power o rr you instinctively knows which person to choose, which boxes to tick for them, and then which buttons to press.
Once you have started exercising the psychological muscles that a. recognising what’s going on, and b. saying no to it , you become less attractive to these men because they instinctively know they can’t play you.
I work with people who are traumatised and I see it again and again. Spotting it and saying no to it is healing yourself.

Be really really pleased with yourself.

And if he doesn’t go quietly come back on here for support and don’t doubt yourself.

Abwhite I can't tell you how relieved I was when I got to the bit in this thread where you said you have binned and blocked this guy. I was at that stage feeling real fear for you as all the red flags you had identified were truly 'menacing'. Please don't feel embarrassed or stupid in any way. In fact you have proved yourself to be sensible and indeed brave. 💐

Don't waste time talking to him, just get away as fast as you can!

Well spotted abwhite100 excellent gut reaction and trusting your intuition.

Congratulations.

OP please run love bombing although it feels good initially is the first sign of abuse!

Make sure you keep your door locked at all times.

Run OP.