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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to deal with the green eyed monster?

21 replies

peaprincess · 10/07/2007 21:18

Does anyone have any tips on how to deal with jealously?

I've been with my DP for almost half a year now. We were together a couple of years ago, but we split up as we both had other commitments we needed to put first before each other.

However, now that we've been back together, I've learnt that at his new job there's a handful of women who fancy him there. That I can deal with. They know he's with me, however it hasn't stopped a couple of them from throwing themselves at him, and even being cheeky enough to kiss him on the lips. I was pleased he told me, but I couldn't deal with knowing how he dealt with it. I told him I'd like to think he told them to stop it and that he's with me, however, I don't think he has, and probably just laughed it off.

However one of these girls keeps sending him messages saying that she misses him when he's not at work, and always sending him her love. It's annoying me, and I keep getting that jealous feeling kick up in me. I really want to go smash her head into a wall.

How can I tackle this, so I don't mess things up when I know that he wouldn't do anything if she tries it on.

Thanks. xxx

OP posts:

meeshy · 10/07/2007 21:47

Peaprincess I am so empathising with you ! Although my set up is different (I have been married to dh for 10 yrs and have 3 sons) I too was consumed with jealously and was worried that girls would steal him from me as he is quite good looking and has the gift of the gab.

Only this weekend he was chatting about being on a course and staying up drinking with a girl work colleague and I honestly couldn't care less because I knew it was all above board.

Your feelings are your issue not his and you just need to believe he wants to be with you and no - one else.

It really works if you just forget about those other bitches and concentrate on you two !

TaylorsMummy · 10/07/2007 21:49

i sympathise with you.i'm in a similiar situation.not been with my bf long.he's very good looking,works long hours and has girls throwing themselves at him all day long
it sounds like you are doing really well with it and not letting him know you are worried by it.i think the girl texting him is a bit off tho,can you tell him you don't like it? what does he say?

cazee · 10/07/2007 21:51

Smash her head against a wall? Sounds like a good plan.
Or, at least tell her that you won't put up with her making advances to your husband. And tell your husband that this is serious, and he must put a stop to it. My DH would not put up with men at work acting like this towards me, would yours?
This is not the green eyed monster, this is a normal reaction to inappropriate behaviour.

Original poster

peaprincess · 10/07/2007 21:59

Meeshy - how did you learn to cope with it?

TaylorsMummy - When she kissed him before, and he told me, I told him I felt about it all. I said I didn't feel comfortable with how the women were acting around him, as it may be just fun to them, but at the end of the day he has a family and they should respect that, and he should respect me and DD enough to make sure they are well aware that he's with us no matter what.

Cazee - I know he wouldn't be at all impressed if someone made advances to me. I just don't want to come across as the jealous-crazed girlfriend, especially to those women.

OP posts:

meeshy · 10/07/2007 22:11

I learnt to manage it basically by keeping my jealous thoughtd to myself because her conversations about it were getting so destructive and pointless.

If he is going to go off with someone (not that he will) jealous outbursts just make it worse.

But I hasten to add that this so called 'mature' approach has taken me nigh on 15 years to perfect !

Original poster

peaprincess · 10/07/2007 22:31

Meeshy - lol, looks like I've got a long old trip ahead of me then.

OP posts:

madamez · 10/07/2007 23:22

Peaprincess: basically you have to learn to deal with your feelings, which is best done by distracting yourself from them. If your DH is monogamous (and it sounds as though he has no plans to be otherwise) then constant quizzing, bleating and snooping will make him unhappy and resentful people who are trustworty become distressed by mistrust, and quite often angry enough to leave if it goes on for a long time; if he is going to seek sexual contact elsewhere then all the supervising and nagging in the world won't stop him doing so. DOn't tackle his work colleagues about their behaviour, that will just make you look like you have nothing better to do than worry about them.

cazee · 11/07/2007 08:01

Peaprincess, it really is not acceptable behaviour for a work collegue to text tour DH saying she misses him, and sending her love. You don't have a jealousy problem, you are reacting normally. This is your DH's responsibility, and he needs to set boundries and sort this out.

TnOgu · 11/07/2007 08:29

What does he do in response to the texts, PP?

mylittlestar · 11/07/2007 08:36

Agree with madamez.

But I also think he should be making it clear to the girl that is texting that it is inappropriate and he'd prefer it if she didn't text.
How would he feel if a guy was texting you and coming onto you in that way?
Agree that you should control your jealousy - but I really think he has a part to play in making you feel more secure.

hoolagirl · 11/07/2007 08:43

If a guy acted in that way he would be hung drawn and quartered.
He should tell her to back off in no uncertain terms.
If she know's he's not interested she is taking the piss out of him and you IMO.

2nd smashing her head against a wall.

mother2b · 11/07/2007 08:58

how did she get his number buy him a new sim card and text her from his old one (or ring him) saying that you wont put up with it and tell her where to go (before distroying the sim)
if she texts his new number then i would get a bit suspicious and would wonder if he had any part of it

prob not best way to handle it but thats what i'd do

mother2b · 11/07/2007 08:58

*(or ring her)

madamez · 11/07/2007 13:22

Ok it's just possible that the Texting WOman is some kind of bunny-boiling stalker, more likely she's a friendly person (some people call everyone darling and mean nothing by it). If your DH is just laughing it off, he's doing the best thing. If he gets all self righteous about his monogamous self and his work colleagues' 'inappropriate' behaviour then then may well carry on because it's funny to get a rise out of him. TBH peaprincess I think you need something to occupy your time and enerrgy so you have better things to do than fret over whehter or not your DH spoke to any female between the ages of 8 and 80 today.

mylittlestar · 11/07/2007 13:41

I have to agree with the op though that messages such as 'I miss you when you're not in work' aren't just friendly are they - I find that a bit odd and a bit OTT. If a bloke from work texted me to say he missed me, I would assume he was after me, or assume he was bit of a bunny-boiling stalker. You just don't say that sort of thing to mates do you.

I agree your dp shouldn't get all self-righteous and make a big fuss, but surely it's not too much to ask for him to say to her, I'd prefer that you don't text me things like that because I have a girlfriend and I don't think it's appropriate...

Is that the same girl that kissed him too?

If it is then even more reason for your dp to make it clear where he stands! Flirting is all well and good. And having a laugh is all well and good. But I think when people start to overstep the line it does no harm to put them back in their place!

Tinkerbel5 · 11/07/2007 14:23

peaprincess these texts would stop if your partner wanted them too, dont seem like he is telling this woman they are innapropriate as he is still getting them, she dont see your relationship as being a serious one and I dont think your partner does either or he would be considering your feelings, why did he tell you this person kissed him ?

Original poster

peaprincess · 15/07/2007 21:28

I am so sorry I haven't responded sooner. I haven't been able to get to the PC for the past few days.

madamez - I agree with you, I know and don't want to be nagging him constantly about it, cause I know that it could just be harmless, and her just being friendly.

cazee, mylittlestar, hoolagirl, Tinkerbel5 - I do think he loves the attention he gets from girls, and to a point I can deal with that, because I know in the past he was quite insecure about himself, so in a way, as weird as it sounds, I'm glad he does get some attention. However, like you say, there should be boundaries, but I don't know if he understands it from my pov though I have tried to explain once.

TnOgu - As far as I'm aware, he doesn't reply.

mother2b - I think he gave it to her as they all seem to trade numbers at his work. But your suggestion did make me giggle a little. Lol.

mylittlestar - To your 2nd post, no that was a different girl. There are at least 5 girls at his work that like him. 3 of them I know have been "forward" about it. 1 being the girl who kissed him, 2nd being another one complaining that girl 1 got a kiss and she didn't, and girl 3 who was "all over him" though he didn't go into detail as to what that actually meant...

Tinkerbel5 - He told me because, well the original reason was because girl 3 that I mentioned above was apparantly slagging me off, and it upset him. I don't know what he's done about this. But he then went on to tell me how the rest of the evening went, as before a girl he knew had come on to him and he didn't tell me, and he didn't want to make that same mistake again.

Think I've answered all your posts. Shall check again in a second.

OP posts:

Original poster

peaprincess · 16/07/2007 01:18

Didn't explain this very well:

"Tinkerbel5 - He told me because, well the original reason was because girl 3 that I mentioned above was apparantly slagging me off, and it upset him. I don't know what he's done about this. But he then went on to tell me how the rest of the evening went, as before a girl he knew had come on to him and he didn't tell me, and he didn't want to make that same mistake again."

What I meant was when we were together before, a girl he knew wanted to sleep with him, and for him to not tell me. He said no, but didn't say anything about it to me until we argued once and he brought it up saying that he had the opportunity to go off with someone else but he didn't. He then said when this with the girls at his work happened, he wanted to tell me and be honest, as he didn't want to make the same mistake as he did in that situation.

OP posts:

nightowl · 16/07/2007 02:56

i see posts on mn all the time, a bunch of girls at work throwing themselves at someones dh/dp. funny that in all the places ive worked, ive never once seen that happen.

ive said it before and i'll say it again...never believe or get involved in workplace gossip..its 99% bolleux

Original poster

peaprincess · 17/07/2007 21:29

Thank you nightowl. At the moment, I'm trying to focus on my insecurities and keep reminding myself how much he loves me.

OP posts:

skidoodle · 19/07/2007 23:27

Tinkerbell is right that if he wanted these texts to stop, he would stop them.

And he should want them to stop because they are totally inappropriate.

Your reaction to them is totally normal and suppressing what you feel because you don't want to appear like some unreasonable jealous girlfriend means you have fallen for the oldest trick in the book.

You should not suppress your own feelings and ignore your own instincts just to prove to your man how cool and unjealous you are.

You should look at the facts, evaluate them on their own terms and make your own decisions about what it going on, and unless you have a history of irrational jealousy, trust your own senses and brain to tell you what's going on.

Several girls this man works with kiss him on the lips and have made passes at him. One of them clearly has no respect for your relationship.

Do you think that's an acceptable situation that should be encouraged or ignored?

If no, then ask him to modify his behaviour in a way that respects your relationship. If he doesn't, then decide whether you want to spend your whole life pretending not to be jealous of all the women your partner is flirting with. Or leave him.

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