Some advice dealing with this would be great. I know my DH looks at porn. I don't like it but he's pretty confident that it's normal and fine and I'm a prude. He's cheated a few times so really porn is the least of my worries. There's no point moaning about it because he will just gaslight me and tell me I'm an idiot etc. Yes I know he's a dick. I'm living it. No need to point out the obvious to me.
I have discovered that he's been using porn, and I'm pretty sure it's live stream porn, on days when he's been encouraging me to go to my sister's to stay the night. It's one night a week that I go and he can't wait to get rid of me. I figured he would be wanking while I'm away (which is fine. He can do what he likes with his body) but I feel a bit creeped out that he gets rid of me so that he can have a jolly good live stream session. We were separated for a while last year and on the day he moved back in he volunteered to sleep at his old flat on an mattress rather than come home until the last possible moment... I now see that he had a very good time on his own. To me the visual of some grubby middle aged man pulling himself off to live stream porn while perched on a mattress in an empty room has a bit of a whiff of slum-house-crack-dealer type class... but whatever.
I can't leave (won't go into details) so I need an alternative to help me deal with this. I don't intend to turn to God so no point suggesting that one. I've very helpfully uninstalled the porn software from both his computers now. He will know it's me of course and probably think I'm a frigid old cow.
I have thought of a few options:
- Ask him, be sad and hope to have an adult conversation about my needs (ha!) and how repeated infidelity has left me feeling insecure.
- Gaslight him like he does (Programme? What's that? You probably deleted it yourself. Are you loosing your mind like your Dad?Your crazy reaction is so weird; ask anyone else and they would say the same.)
- Get over myself and get a grip.
- Go all passive aggressive like him and start wiping down his keyboard and leaving boxes of tissues on his pillow (this is so cowardly I don't think I can bring myself to do it. Plus it doesn't achieve anything)
I'm out of ideas but I need to fight my corner here. I'm annoyed about it but really it is pointless expressing that to him. We've been together nearly 3 decades so I have absolutely no faith in being able to converse with him without it ending with me sobbing on the floor.
Am I even right to be annoyed? Am I unreasonable to have thought he could have been grateful that we got back together, rather than making me feel like shit again? Do you think this is cheating? I do sometimes but then I swing into thinking that I am overreacting. But also maybe I am desensitised to infidelity.
From a very confused doormat. Please wipe your feet on my face.