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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What should I do?

27 replies

cosmomartini · 09/01/2019 00:06

Hello, I'm 27 and have been with my bf for 4 years. Nearly 2 years ago I found out he had been messaging dirty pictures/videos to another woman (I found out when she messaged him asking to meet up) he denied it at first but eventually came clean. I have tried to forgive him & move on but I'm really struggling, I don't trust him & I feel angry all the time because he has humiliated me (it was a family friend he was messing with) so some people knew what was going on & didn't give me a heads up so with me not knowing I was friendly to this person buying drinks at a party & dancing with her..i feel so stupid. It was a week after this party I found out. Would like some advice please on whether anyone thinks 'sexting' isn't full on cheating or is it just as bad as doing the deed. Thank you

OP posts:
ImNotKitten · 09/01/2019 00:08

It is cheating and how humiliating that everyone else knew before you did. What are his good points?

FissionChips · 09/01/2019 00:12

It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, what matters is he obviously knew it wasn’t ok in your relationship.

You’ve only been together 4 years, that’s not long at all. Break up, he’s an arshole. You don’t really want to spend the next 50 years with such a man, never being able to trust him fully, always feeling that humiliation.

Monty27 · 09/01/2019 00:16

Not acceptable at all. How can you trust him in the future? The fact that everyone that knew was probably wondering how you could be so naive makes it even worse.
Dump him. You are young. Find someone that respects you. He's a loser.

Original poster
cosmomartini · 09/01/2019 00:21

I was so embarrassed it was and still is really hard for me to see some of his family. His good points are that he is supportive of my anxiety (even though he bloody added to it) he listens to my problems & does seem less secretive now but I'm upset that it took him nearly losing me & tainting all of our memories for him to realise I'm '' the love of his life''

OP posts:
FissionChips · 09/01/2019 00:32

You are not the love of his life. He cares more about his dick than your feelings.

A dog would be better for you than him. They listen to problems and never judge, are loyal, help anxiety .

QueenAnneBoleyn · 09/01/2019 00:40

In your position I’d get rid of him. You’ve got the rest of your life ahead of you, don’t waste it on someone as undeserving as him. You deserve better. Flowers

Rosiepicnic · 09/01/2019 15:04

This sounds scarily similar to what my husband did last year. I'm now going through a divorce because of it, in my eyes it's cheating & a massive betrayal. Not an easy decision to make but I knew I would never be happy or be able to trust him again.
Would he be happy if you had been doing the same with another man?

& @fissionchips is absolutely right. I ditched the man & kept the dog. Much more loyal & better company Grin

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 09/01/2019 15:27

Unless you have children, why are you bothering to keep at this relationship if you feel like this? If shes a family friend, is she still around?

maximumcarnage · 09/01/2019 15:44

Have to agree with the dog idea. Get rid of him and get a dog. A dog will be loyal, supportive, aid in your anxiety and won't be secretive. It'll always be there for you, wagging its tail and keen to see you.

Original poster
cosmomartini · 09/01/2019 17:13

#rosiepicnic. I'm sorry you are going through this as well, it really is a massive betrayal and I've tried so hard to get past it but I can't. x

OP posts:
Original poster
cosmomartini · 09/01/2019 17:16

#onlyfoolsnmothers. When I have tried to talk to him about ending our relationship he completely zones out & doesn't want to hear it, gets really emotional and says things that concern me. As she is a family friend she is around but we don't go to any parties i always tell bf to go ahead but he doesn't

OP posts:
Adora10 · 09/01/2019 17:43

You don't trust him because he is not trust worthy, he sounds horrible and sorry but this is not love; you would be better moving on and finding better, anyone would be better than him.

Sounds like he faced no consequence so you have basically given him the nod that's it's not really so bad, it really is, it's full on cheating.

Original poster
cosmomartini · 09/01/2019 18:08

If I'm being honest I think I'm still with him becuase I don't have anyone else, my family are busy and I lost touch with friends as we've got older and they have children. I'm stuck in a rut, my mentally is sounding something like 'he is all you have so just get over it'

OP posts:
Dragongirl10 · 09/01/2019 18:19

he may still want you but do you really want a future with a man who thinks this is OK?

Mumblers · 09/01/2019 18:26

Leave him now.

Sexting is cheating.

This exact thing happened to me, with a few differences:
I found all my partners texts, dirty texts, FB messages, dick pics to various different women, arranging to meet etc. I found all the texts 4 weeks before our wedding. One of the earliest messages I found dated back to when our daughter was 2 weeks old.

I also have 2 older children. I wanted to keep 'the family unit' together.

The marriage lasted 20 months because of the same feelings you have - betrayal, lack of trust, humiliation (and because he carried on being a massive twat).

That was over 4 years ago. The separation was hell.

It won't be easy for you to split but you WILL get over it.

Chucking my ex out was the best thing I ever did!

We get on now, my only regret now is for putting up with it for the length of time I did.

Good luck with whatever you do, but I think deep down you will know what the right thing to do is.

Disasterwaitingtohappen · 09/01/2019 18:39

Name changed.

What you should do is end your relationship.
I know you have 4 years invested and I know it’s difficult, but otherwise your relationship will just meander along until the next woman to catch his eye comes along. In the meantime your trust, self esteem and confidence will be destroyed.
I’m late 50’s and been with DH since teens. How I wish Mumsnet had been around when I was your age. My husband was unfaithful multiple times before and since our marriage. How I wish I’d had the personal strength, and also the support of somewhere like Mumsnet to make the right decision. I feel like there is a whole other (happier) life I should have lived and have missed out on.
Don’t make my mistake. Get out now and take your life and your future happiness back.

Original poster
cosmomartini · 09/01/2019 23:06

#mumblers. How awful that must have been for you, weeks before your wedding and while you had a newborn. I hope you are in a better place now and you are happy. I need to work on making new friends and block all contact from him as I know he'll be hounding me non-stop. Thank you for your advice I really appreciate it x

OP posts:
Original poster
cosmomartini · 09/01/2019 23:10

#disasterwaitingtohappen. Hello, did you stay with your husband after you found out about his unfaithfullness? I did finish with my bf for 3 weeks but during that time he would call me constantly and be waiting outside my work. I don't want to get older and regret this precious time, I just worry that as I'm 27 and most of my friends are married/children and I'm left.

OP posts:
Mumblers · 10/01/2019 12:40

#cosmomartini My daughter was 18 months old at the time of my wedding -that's how long he'd been texting women for! And possibly longer as 1 of the texts said he always deleted texts in case I found them!! I guess he sent that many to so many different women that he gave up trying to delete them all lol
he was obviously so insecure he needed validating off different women. That was his problem, not mine.

PLEASE leave this toxic relationship, you're 27, I was 39. I've had the time of my life ever since!

flameycakes · 10/01/2019 12:43

He was only sorry because you found out, imagine the ones you didn't know about, kick him into touch and be wonderful xxxx

Adora10 · 10/01/2019 12:45

I just worry that as I'm 27 and most of my friends are married/children and I'm left.

If you really feel you need someone then let him stick around until you build up a social life again, you are so young, once you do this dump his cheating arse; he cheated on you within 2 years, that's early honeymoon period where he should be glued to you with starry eyes, not sniffing elsewhere, and this is one you found out about, there may be others.

The fact is two years on you still don't trust him because deep down you know he's going to do same or similar in the future, you are with him out of a sense of loneliness if you split, change the loneliness and definitely change him.

Original poster
cosmomartini · 11/01/2019 23:32

Thank you everyone, your advice is really appreciated. I'm looking forward to the future and finding someone trustworthy one day x

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 12/01/2019 02:12

Cos, sexting is cheating. He had a sexual experience and gained sexual pleasure with another woman. He twisted the knife by betraying you with a family friend with whom you socialize, exposing you to further humiliation.

He may have previously helped you with your anxiety, but his infidelity has now exacerbated it. He knew that it would.

It sounds like he is manipulating you by ‘getting emotional and saying things that concern’ you when you mention breaking up. If you mean that he is threatening to self-harm, do not allow him to control you in this way.

Your life is too valuable to waste one more minute with this man.

RivanQueen · 12/01/2019 10:05

cos you say I don't want to get older and regret this precious time, I just worry that as I'm 27 and most of my friends are married/children and I'm left. as though 27 is old but you're still so young! At your age I was travelling and seeing the world not worrying about settling down into marriage and having babies, you've got so much time to do that (met my fella in my early 30's, planning our wedding & have our first DC on the way. I'm now 38 Smile)
You could live till you're 90, that's another 63 years of life, can you imagine spending that with someone who treats you like your wanker of a partner does? (which is like shit BTW) The world is full of adventure and amazing people, you just have to go out there and experience it.

Oh and when you do find the strength to tell this loser to get out of your life remember, you don't need his permission to end the relationship. He can "zone out" all he likes, if you stick to your guns, leave and block him, there's nothing he can do. And don't listen to his BS about doing something concerning, that's just manipulation to keep you in the relationship.

Disasterwaitingtohappen · 25/01/2019 22:10

#cosmomartini,

Apologies for not replying to your question sooner - only just revisited this thread.
Yes I stayed with my husband - I didn’t even throw him out for a couple of days. I had a similar mindset to yours - ‘I’m 23/25/30/have children/have a mortgage/how will I ever meet someone else?’
But (although you don’t think it) you’re so young, and circumstances and situations will change throughout your life. You will meet other men and you will have the opportunity to fall in love again.
Make sure you live your happiest life x

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