I’m posting here for better advice than in AIBU, as when I posted there before, I got quite a few harsh responses and realised I should have posted somewhere more appropriate.
I’m struggling with so many different things in my head that it is hard to know where to start. As some background/context:
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I was adopted from birth, have been fortunate enough to have a wonderful upbringing and childhood and am very lucky to have kind, generous and supportive parents who have been amazing.
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I was born 3 months premature and I think this has had a bearing on my upbringing, my parents being quite overprotective and mollycoddling, and me having very low self esteem. My DM is quite an assertive, organised and sometimes overly critical person - I feel I have undiagnosed autism, am very sensitive to her criticism, possibly havf ADHD too, and struggle a lot with my confidence and self esteem as a result of how she brought me up.
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I have had an awful time health-wise over the past 3 years; a head injury, post concussion syndrome and breakdown, a drug induced involuntary movement disorder called Tardive Dyskinesia, and then I was let go from my freelance contract last year which made my self esteem and confidence sink lower.
I’m very self conscious of my involuntary movements and find it hard to find the confidence to get another job when my DS is old enough to go to nursery.
- my DB passed away last year aged 35 from bowel cancer, and I don’t really feel that I have grieved completely about his passing. I also had an ectopic pregnancy and surgery which I found quite traumatic too, and think perhaps I should find a good grief counsellor to help me work through my feelings with these things.
I know a lot of this is all to do with being more assertive and having a lot more self esteem, but I don’t know how to make the most of my current life and situation without feeling quite desperate and despondent. My movement disorder isn’t curable or easily treatable, and I feel that ever since my head injury, my life has been a struggle and I have had to work through a lot of sad hard times, but without an end in sight.
My saving grace this year has been the birth of my DS in June, and my wonderful DD and DH have always been so amazing - I am truly grateful for them.
I’m not sure what I am trying to get out of this - possibly just a place to vent and try to get a better grip on my feelings about my life and relationship with my family etc. I’m very grateful for any advice that anyone can give please. All help is much appreciated,