The L word and friendship

[Orangesandpears]

One of my closest friends is a man. We talk often (most days), see each other at least once a week and share a lot of ourselves. It’s a friendship I’ve found very confusing at times as he’s had a tendency to blow hot and cold historically (although not recently) and after a period of real intensity about 6 months ago he was very clear it was all platonic, went on tinder, and dated a series of girls it didn’t work out with. I was v. hurt but moved on after excellent advice from here that I was somewhat of a surrogate girlfriend and would end up hurt. While we stayed close the dynamics shifted a bit and I’m happier now.

Friend is going through a tough time at present. He’s very much a stiff upper lip doesn’t show emotion type but the other day after a few drinks two things happened- he started to cry in a chat with me, then after we said goodbye sent me a message to say ‘love you’ with an ‘xx’

I just don’t know what to think. Am I being played?

Yes

And you need to actually take the advice you were given

My best friend is male. We say I love you to each other and all messages end with xx. I wouldn't read anything into it.

Oh I thought the L word was lesbian and this was a different sort of problem!

He sounds like a bit of an arse to me and has never treated you very nicely. So why will he suddenly start now?

He's feeling vulnerable so needs you.

You're always there. A sure thing. Safe bet.

If he wants you when life is just ticking along fine and he's having good times , then it may be real.

You'd be better off not being friends so you can move on. Otherwise life and opportunities with other people will have passed you by.

Your problem is that you want more than friendship and any time he gives you a bit of hope, you're thrown into disarray. You really need to give it up.

Are you dating yourself?

Direct your energies somewhere else, stop letting him monopolise your time and attention.

Yeah I certainly feel a lot more clear-eyed about the situation than I used to but if he’s playing games or using me it’s the kick I need to move on for good I suppose.

I don’t want to be someone’s sue thing.

When I got the message my first thought was ‘really?’ But as the dust settles I feel quite cross

Well, that's a good sign. Being cross is the healthy response to being jerked around.

Being cross is the correct reaction to being treated like someone on the subs bench. You're right to feel aggrieved.

Don't engage with him. You'll never be his priority. He doesn't want you as his partner and he makes for a flaky friend. There's no need to keep him in your life, there's no advantage whatsoever.

He’s using you.

He’s playing you.

He's used you for years. My ex had a female bestie and is totally using her. She's in his 'narcissist harem' and I don't even think she knew half of what he got up to she just faithfully sticks around like some loyal dog whilst he lives his life and uses her as a pseudo girlfriend.

He said love you because he can - because no matter what he says you'll always stick around. Because he can't get too close to anyone he truly loves, he can only say this type of thing to women he's firmly put in the friend zone.

He is playing you and I think maybe finally you're seeing the light. Whether you'll walk away is another thing, he sounds like he has you wrapped around his finger.

I’ve really got to walk away this time. I think I will. I just need to figure out how with minimum drama

I'll say "love you" to friends; particularly if they've recently been emotionally supportive. It's a way of saying you appreciate them etc. I'm just wondering if it was something as simple as this, as obviously you've just been there for him when he was upset.

If he's made it clear it's platonic and done nothing else to suggest otherwise then I wouldn't read anything into it.

However I don't know the background so have no context for my response

He loves you as a friend. If a girlfriend had said the same would you be as cross?

Is it worth speaking to him, and just explaining given the blurred margins it would be easier if he tried not to use ambiguous language.

All good points. I think I’m confused because it’s so out of character for him - he’s really not the sort of person to say that sort of thing.

He’s also started kissing me on the cheek which has never happened before - he’s always had a massive personal space. It’s shrunk recently and I’m noticing it in small ways - like when we walk his arm knocks against mine etc.

I’m glad I’ve posted for advice it really does help to catch my thoughts, write them down and get advice

I suppose it will all come out in the wash. He asked to see me today but I deflected until tomorrow as I need a little more space I think to clear my head

Good luck op.

I am in the same position as you. The despondency when they withdraw is crushing. We are being used. I hope you are able to protect yourself emotionally. I know how hard it is x

Thanks Leo. I think it does get better though with time and recognition of the cycle.

I do feel like him saying that though takes it to a new level of him screwing with my feelings which makes me want to withdraw further to protect myself.

You’re emotionally hooked to this man, his every little word or move sparks hope and confusion in you. He knows this and feeds off the love and attention. You’ll never get anything of value from it. You’ve are being used.

Regardless of his motivation continuing to pour so much energy into thinking about and having this ‘friendship’ is literally a waste of your life.

Hope you can find the strength to leave him behind.

Thanks atrocious. That’s the reality check I need x

I tell my best male friend I love him all the time and I know he loves me

But we had a long chat once about boundaries and after that, I felt a lot better

Both of us when we met were single and dating and when he got his first serious girlfriend I did feel strange. But we then spoke about it, made sure our boundaries were right, and sort of reset the friendship.

Any new partners we tell about our friendship - I've been out for dinner with him and his girlfriend for example etc

Decide how important this is to you. If you/he cannot be friends without the jealousy/sexual attraction bit I would suggest it's better to walk away as one of you will end up getting hurt. But if you can have a conversation with him about the boundaries, you might be able to salvage something but you have to be honest.