When I was around 14 my mother suffered with depression. She went from being a completely 'normal' and loving Mum to changing what felt like over night to me at the time.
She started drinking more and trying to become involved in my life along with my friends, it felt as though she was trying to live her youth through me. She very often encouraged drinking and bought me and my friends alcohol. I guess now she wanted to be 'the cool mum' and I was happy at first because I was a teenager and didn't know better.
Before this time she was nothing like this, both her and my father were religious and seemed to have a strong marriage.
As the years went on there were various suicide attempts, affairs (from my mother's side) and my poor father did absolutely everything he could to help but it wore him down completely and broke him.
The biggest betrayal (for me) came when I was 16. I was dating someone slightly older, he was 18. I was as smitten as most teenagers are with their first boyfriends and introduced him to my parents. I had begun self harming myself due to the stress of the environment at home and he helped me massively. No one knew this except him.
After about 6 months of dating I discovered through another friend that my mother had slept with my boyfriend. I refused to believe it until my mum admitted it to me. She was sort of sorry but you could tell she was only really interested in me not telling my Dad.
In the end I was absolutely overwhelmed with the feeling of guilt and betrayal that I did tell my father and they divorced. I lived with my dad and didn't speak to my mum for quite a while.
Other things came to light during the aftermath and my life was miserable for quite some time. Everyone knew, and at 16 the embarrassment was overwhelming. I ended up out of school for around 6 months due to stress.
Fast forward to now, almost 10 years later. My mum and I have worked hard at re building our relationship. She is much better, she is no longer depressed and has since remarried and is essentially back to the mum I knew before she was ill.
But I still can't get over it, I don't know how to explain it. I do love her. But I don't feel that daughterly I need my mum sort of love that I used to have. It's like I just don't understand sick or not how she could do that to me. I'm starting to consider having my own children and I just don't understand how you could do that to your child.
But I feel terribly guilty for still feeling this way. We haven't even mentioned anything about that time for years and years and whenever we did it was almost like a 'yes I'm sorry I did those things but it's okay because I was sick and it wasn't me'. It's like an excuse.
I feel sad that I don't think I'll ever feel the same way about my mum again despite the fact that she's now better and does an awful lot for me.
That was long - sorry!!