I think my relationship is over

[welliesarefuntowear]

We have been together for 27 years and have three dc. I have fairly solid evidence of ow. He has been messaging her a lot. He says they are just friends I have recently managed to read his Facebook messages and although they stop af around two months ago I know he has still been I contact with her. He told me tonight that we have never been happy and because I have threatened to leave him in the past. I do wonder if this is because I have found out. He has met up with ow for walks, (he says just the once but I'm not convinced}. It's clear the trust between us has completely gone. I don't know what to do, I'm utterly beside myself.

Do you have children together? How hard would it be to separate? And why did you threaten to leave previously?

Sorry you're going through this.

Geez what's wrong with these men? Met up for "walks"? Really?!
And now after 27 years he's figured out that you've never been happy - took him a while to figure it out!
I'm really sorry that you are going through this.

He is checking out. Listen to him. Rejection is awful. Look after you. Your relationship may survive but it may not but you need to take some control and ask yourself why you have threatened to leave before?

What is your current situation? Do you work? How old are your children? Do you own your home?

He will have changed from messenger to Whets app - easier to get rid of the history.
Sorry you are going through this.

I'm fairly sure he's using WhatsApp. He is a conflict avoider, has rejected me sexually for long periods in past. I didn't know whether he loved me. The irony is we seemed to be really happy recently. I may not respond quickly. I've hardly had any sleep. I appreciate the responses.

I’m sorry but you are right it’s over.

You need to foucs now on sorting out the practical issues, for the sake of the children. Are you married and what’s your housing situation ? How old are you kids ? Do you both work ?

Do you have people in RL who will support you through this ?

I'm picking up on this thread because a lot has happened since I last posted. My mum died. I miss her. But the problem of this other woman has never gone away. I've realised now I've been putting my head in the sand. He's setting up a business with her. They've opened a joint account. I tried to help him with this but couldn't cope because of my grief. He said I never had any interest. It's amazing how he consistently turns it around on to me. I'm fairly sure it's over now. I can't trust him. I'm heartbroken. He says I didn't support him.

@MissConductUS "Do you have children together?

READ THE FIRST SENTENCE OF THE OP 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

I think you need to protect yourself now and accept your marriage is over.
Setting up a business with someone you suspect is the ow is going to drive you to the edge. As you say, the trust has gone, so time to think about you.
Time to see a solicitor, particularly in relation to the financial side and any inheritance you may have received.
Do you have a friend who can support you through this?

I do have some good friends who are very supportive. I do work, although part time, I do 25 hours a week. He is self employed. I'm not sure for certain of course but she is a bit older than him and says they're friends. I feel she is utterly manipulative and he is just being an idiot because she is saying what he wants to hear. I mean, what kind of woman does this with a man who has a family? I feel utterly betrayed. He absolutely kept trying to turn it around to me. I have asked him to go to give me some space to think but I'm going to struggle to get him to leave.

We have a joint mortgage and my name is on the deeds but we are not married.

Dont fall for this poor man getting sneered in an evil OWs net OP. I mean we all know women (and men) that verge on predatory but he is making these choices, he is choosing to allow their relationship to progress, he is choosing to treat you poorly. Shift your focus and anger to him and hold him to account. She owes you nothing. He should be a faithful, committed and supportive spouse.

I know you're right.

I don't know how to get him to leave. I think he will make me feel guilty. I don't feel strong enough to get him to go.

Op your first post is from September 2018. I don't know how you've lived with it this far, my love. You need to end it for your own sanity, you can't live like this. This man is making a fool of you, and he knows it - I am sure he is a master manipulator who is able to cut you down with a few words since he has known you so long and knows your weak points. But now is the time to find your anger - he has treated you so shoddily, and you do not deserve it. Your lovely mum would want better for you. I want better for you. I am sure the whole of MN would want better for you. But you have to be the one to put in the work.

It is shit. It will be shit. But it won't always be shit.

I don't know how to get him to leave

You tell him to.
You tell him you're done.
You tell him to fuck off with the OW.
You tell your kids.
You tell everyone in real life.

Yes, it's shit. And really sorry about your Mum. But you can do this. You deserve better than this.

I've texted him and told him I need some time apart. He's at work and it's my day off today. I'm so tired, I barely slept. The only reason I found out is because I looked in his wallet and found the bank cards for both of them. I came down stairs last night because I couldn't sleep.

I'm starting to feel really angry

You have every right to be fucking furious!!! What kind of man sets up a bank account with another woman!?!?!

Use your anger. Pack him a bag/throw his stuff into a bin liner and leave it outside for him to collect.

And yes, don't fall for the 'she's manipulative' line; totally bollox. He has gone into this with his eyes wide open. Time for you to get some control back and tell HIM to go. Instead of waiting around hoping it will sort itself out. Good luck; keep talking to us if it helps.

Stop blaming the woman. Start blaming the man. Get the hell out.

Yes, you relationship is so clearly over. I’m sorry

I'm going to get my kids from school and college and go and see my dad. I've told him at this point I want him to collect his things and go. I just want to be happy. I know I can be. I love my job and I have really great friends. And my kids are amazing.

Yes you can be happy; get through this shitstorm and enjoy life with your kids.

He won't go. He keeps trying to minimise what he's done because he said i wasn't interested. He keeps trying to make it my fault. He said that I have argued with hi,m so much over the years and made him feel bad about himself. I'm so sad, I just want him to leave me at least for a while.