I have been in a relationship for the past 8 years. It has been long distance since 2014 due to work and family issues on his side. I can work remotely, so have been backwards and forwards from Ireland, where my family lives and where I usually live, and Germany, where he has lived since 2014, although he also spent a fairly long period working and living there before meeting me in Ireland. He is originally from Germany, but is half German, half Spanish. I am Irish. We never lived together in Ireland, but spent extended periods at each other’s homes from 2010 until his circumstances took him to Germany in March 2014.
We have had our ups and downs, as any normal couple does, but one of the things that bothered me early on about him, was his roving eye. He seemed to have a real problem with ogling women when out and about with me, but after several discussions about it, he finally started toning it down. At first though, he would call me paranoid and too sensitive. Sometimes he would be practically drooling and would comment on how attractive someone else was, but rarely complimented me. I had female friends tell me that this was the sign of a cheater, but then male friends would say that it was perfectly normal, and I should think nothing of it, as all men do it.
I decided not to let it bother me, but then on some trips to see him, after being apart for a few months, he was doing it again when out with me, and it started bothering me again. I could see he found it hard not to rubberneck a lot of the time, and we had another chat about it one time when he practically broke his neck to look at a woman’s backside and I expressed my concerns that if he was comfortable doing this in front of me, what was he doing when I was not there….? I was told I was overreacting, but he would apologise and say he was not doing it to hurt me, that it was a reflex almost.
We had a big falling out in early 2017 and did not speak for a while. It was due to other issues, not the ogling. Eventually though we sorted it out, and I flew out to see him in September 2017. I am going back to this date for a reason, so please bear with me. I decided to spend a couple of months out there, eventually returning to Ireland early November 2017. Whilst with him, we had a big fight in late October about some of the same issues that had split us up, and I was very hot headed in how I dealt with it. There were upsets going on in my life, work issues and stresses, problems with my parents and a close friend in my community had died. I was burned out and handled the discussion poorly. However, he was also being stubborn and trying to keep secrets from me about an addictive behaviour he has that is affecting his finances and our relationship, and I blew up and lost it. We did make up a few days before I flew back home and it seemed all was well between us, although said issue was still not clarified and he was happy to sweep it under the rug. I had my doubts but loved him so much I wanted it all to be ok.
We continued to email and phone and he was very loving in all his messages. We then took a long holiday in March and April of this year. It was during this holiday, that out of the corner of my eye, I saw him on a Facebook profile and he did not have Facebook, having told me he deleted it years ago. When I got the chance, I checked his phone quickly, and he had logged into a fake account with a fake name and a profile picture of a football team. I asked him that day did he have a Facebook account and he said no, and that he had not used it since he deleted his old original profile.
I realised he was lying, although could not figure out why. Looking at his fake profile from my own FB account, I could see that this fake person had himself advertised as “single” and had “liked” Zoosk.
I was angry about this, so I challenged him. He denied it for several days, and only admitted it after I told him I had looked at his phone, that it was him and he had only set it up so that he could look at my account. I did not ask him any other questions about it, but was livid that he was lying to me. He gave me his phone and told me I could look through it and that I would find nothing detrimental, that he was not hiding anything from me. He gave me his email password and told me I could also check his email. I did not go through his phone, nor his email, and I tried to put the whole thing behind me.
I got back to Ireland in late April and this FB profile bugged me every day. I could not put my finger on why, but the lying really annoyed me. So I logged into his email. He has Gmail. I could see nothing strange. I was not aware of this until recently, but if you use Chrome whilst logged into a Gmail account, the default setting will save all your online web browsing activity to a log in a simplified format which is stored on a Google server. So I went into his history. Sure enough, several logins to the fake profile and many visits to my Facebook page. However, looking further back, to November 2017, I saw some concerning stuff. A few days after I had flown home to Ireland, he had downloaded Badoo, a dating app. Even more worryingly, a few days later, he had made Google searches for swinger clubs in his city. One of them was a 15 minute drive from his workplace and he had clicked onto the map for its location.
I was livid, but sent him a calm email explaining what I had found and asking for an explanation. That despite our issues, I thought we were working on things, but it looked as if he was looking for a plan B, just in case. And what the heck was with the swinger club searches. That I wanted to talk things through, as it looked really bad. That I had only looked because of the lying about Facebook.
He emailed a very angry email back to me, how dare I think he was doing this kind of thing, and said that a work colleague had borrowed his phone and used it to look at Badoo and that it must have been his work colleagues who looked for the swinger places. Of course I did not believe this and being given such a ridiculous excuse for the searches made me extremely angry. I pushed him to simply admit that it was him and that if he thought our relationship was not worth it, that he should have been honest with me rather than keeping me dangling long distance. He blew up and accused me of being a slut and that I must be doing what I was accusing him of doing. That he hates online dating sites, Facebook, social networks and that I am the one “into all that”.
More abusive and angry emails followed from him. A couple of days later I actually found another fake FB profile. Under the apps, it clearly showed Badoo had been downloaded. When I clicked on it, it took me to his profile. It had no photo, but it was his name, age and he had stated he was looking for dates with women aged 31 to 51, something like that. When I told him I had found the account, he first denied it, then gave me the silent treatment, then said he would call to explain. I think this was a stalling tactic. He called and said the account WAS his and he only set it up out of curiosity as he saw his colleague using it and laughing about it and the women on there. The account does not have any messages or activity per se, but I still feel really crap about this. And the fact that he only changed his story AFTER I found the actual account, and prior to that, he had said it was not him.
We have met up and he has told the same lies to my face and that he has no idea who made the swinger searches. His phone clearly shows he was at home on that day too. When I told him this, he said it must have been a friend who was looking for it, but that he had no idea who.
I have tried to get past this, he keeps telling me to forget about it, that I really am overreacting. What do you all think?
To make matters worse, I saw that he set up a Zoosk account after we argued and I said it was over. He has even denied doing that, and said Facebook set it up automatically and he must have “accidentally clicked on something”.
Sigh. He keeps ringing me, claiming his innocence. I keep telling him the trust has gone. He seems unable to accept that I no longer trust him and is blowing up my phone and Whatsapp.
I WANT to believe him but my head tells me differently to my heart. My head rationally knows this man has been looking for something else, and in all likelihood, has been swinging. How many times, who knows. I would have had more respect for him had he just been honest. A little part of me wants to believe him still. I came here for advice… maybe validation that walking away from an 8 year relationship is still the right choice. In my mind, this cannot be fixed. In his mind, he has done nothing wrong and simply wants me to forget about it all, which would be very convenient for him.
I would love your advice and opinions. Thanks!