Posted this in aibu the other night but realised it is more appropriate to put it here.
I found out after my own digging that dcs father has cheated on me and made somebody pregnant, after many tears and long conversations I deluded myself into believing we could get past it and I agreed to stay and try to make things work. He knows he has to be responsible for the baby and I have had to try and come to terms with that, however the way I've dealt with it until now is to pretend it isn't happening.
The traumatic bonding phase came afterwards, shortly followed by my anxiety and depression coming back with a vengeance, then reality hit home. I have struggled with mental health problems in the past as a result of unresolved issues but for the most part overcame them until now.
After picking some of my self respect up off the floor I have decided I want out and want to be nowhere near any of them when the baby arrives, I can't stomach looking at the bastard any longer and don't want our child to suffer any longer by seeing me so miserable. If I am honest with myself the main reasons I stayed were because 1. I'm worried I won't cope on my own now my mental health is going to shit and 2. We depend on him financially as I became a SAHM (his suggestion) when dd came along. I'm not in love with him any longer but I do feel emotionally and financially dependent
I was a low(ish) earner, so although I want to go to work ASAP and gather some money for me and DC to get a place of our own, childcare will be a struggle as too young to qualify for any free childcare hours. I don't have family who could help out in that respect. I spent up what savings I had when baby came along.
Him moving out and us staying here isn't an option but I won't say why as it is too outing, Its also worth noting I'm not eligible for council help as I haven't been in the area long enough and there is a shortage of availability even if I were eligible.
Family support is extremely limited, I'm not able to go and stay with relatives.
I feel trapped and it is making me feel so low. A big dark cloud has descended over me this evening and I feel as though the whole bloody thing is going to cost me my sanity.
I have optimistic moments where I fantasize about me and dc in our own little home thriving out of the way from that Pos but then reality hits home and I don't know how to get to that point from this one or if I'll cope when I do.
I'm scared that when (not if) I leave I'm going to end up so emotionally crippled I'm going to be a rubbish mum to a beautiful little child who deserves so much better
I want out right now but am in no posi