Bored in bed...

[NannyNameChanged]

Sorry, can't post on the sex board as I haven't been a member for 3 months, but still absolutely relevant in relationships. How would you approach this...?

I find my partner extremely attractive, however have completely gone off sex. We have been together for three heads but haven't had sex in months. I've just gone off it. He does make me orgasm however he won't go down on me, isn't open to using toys, has never made me orgasm without him orgasming himself. I just can't be arsed to have the same old plain vanilla sex we always have. He makes the odd comment here and there about how we haven't had sex in forever but hasn't once made a move on me. I always made the first move and since I stopped sex just stopped happening.

What do I do? I can't leave my partner just because the sex is boring? He thinks I'm not interested in him but actually I just think he's boring in bed. How do you discuss this properly with someone like an adult without completely ruining their self esteem? I mean I reached the point that I had to watch porn for a couple of minutes to get turned on as sex was just so blah! That's awful, I feel horrid about it.

Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated...

*three heads? Meant to say three years!

You have to phrase it carefully but also to the point. Maybe say what you wnt to do in bed and ask him if theres anything he would like. Tell him yiu find it sexy if he instigates too

I always did nice things, bought sexy underwear, did things for him and him only, even when I had my time of the month etc etc. I just feel like he's a bit selfish in bed. I won't force him to go down on me. I would love it but he doesn't like it. I just wish he would be a bit more adventurous. It's like Groundhog Day!

Bump...

What do I do? I can't leave my partner just because the sex is boring?

Sex is very important in a relationship, if it isn't working your relationship isn't working.

dr so just leave without even trying to fix the problem first?

Hello,
You have 3 options:

1. say nothing and become resentful and get addicted to porn
2. Leave him
3. Broach the subject - but try not to lay the blame with him

You need to go with 3 and see his reaction. His reaction will say a lot about where your relationship is. If he shuts you down then maybe you should consider your options. If he's willing to listen and engage and be a grown up then that shows he is committed to work on it.

YOU CAN LEAVE HIM. Sex is really important and in my book it's completely acceptable to leave on these grounds. However if you do not discuss it with him first this is unfair.

I can definitely relate to your post OP; my ex husband never once went down on me in 18 years of marriage, the sex was incredibly boring, and over in 5 minutes (when he had had his orgasm).
In the end he became resentful as he had to pester me for sex. I thought the problem was with me, but now I know what a selfish lover he was. Also, he only used to kiss me as a prelude to sex. Never just for the heck of it.
The sex thing was absolutely a very strong factor in our break-up. Of course, he found sex elsewhere, which didn't help!
To be fair, I was my ex's first proper girlfriend. He had only had one night stands before me, so hadn't really had to keep anyone satisfied long term. He wasn't confident in bed, but at the end of the day, we were both lazy and let things slide. I sometimes do wish I'd made more of an effort in that respect.
Anyway, communication and absolute honesty is the key here. You must talk about it - seek some kind of therapy if necessary - but keep the lines of communication open. Tell him what you want. It may be ignorance more than selfishness on his part.
If you don't do the above, you might as well kiss your relationship goodbye. Take it from one who has been there!
Good luck

In all honesty it doesn't sound like you're compatible sexually. If he's not interested in more adventurous sex, then it's a bit unfair to push for that. But you need to talk frankly. Boring sex is absolutely a dealbreaker.

Does it have to be in bed or even indoors. They say variety is the spice of life after all !

name no chance! He told me he has sex with his ex in the car once (in the seat I was sitting in at the time ) and hated feeling like he was going to get caught. Oh god. I'm going to be sexless forever.

Possibly not forever, but possibly vanilla sex, that you've had to beg for, twice a year.

Or none at all for 14 years. Reader, I left him.