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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Silent treatment

24 replies

Littlerainy · 25/04/2018 23:05

My guy has given me silent treatment for a few weeks now - we’re not youngsters and I finally told him last week that we should go our separate ways as he’s making no effort to resolve our ‘fall out’. So why did we fall out? We’ve been together over 3 years - my kids are older and independent his kids are younger. I’d taken care of his kids all day on the Saturday afternoon (a pleasure as I get on great with them) - he had stuff to do. I then took them to his place as was spending a couple of nights there. He goes out to collect a take away at about 6.45pm and doesn’t return home until after 10pm - with a few drinks in his system. I didn’t argue I just thought to myself I’m not a doormat - so i left and headed home. I then got a text telling me to get all my stuff out his house. We had been getting along fine - I got my stuff and left his keys. He’s refused to try and talk things through - he can be quite moody but I’m gutted he won’t make any effort. I really miss the kids too - please give me strength to move on. He’s a cancer star sign - apparently they are kings of the silent treatment.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 25/04/2018 23:09

What a twat this man is. I'm sorry you'll miss out on his children but god, he's awful.

He goes out, leaving you with his kids, comes back pissed and when you go home, tells you to get out of his house?

Think about it, OP. You're worth so much more.

lifebegins50 · 25/04/2018 23:13

You are well rid of him as he has no respect for you.He is furious you dared to assert yourself
If you back down he will know you have weak boundaries. I know its tough but this is how bad relationships continue and usually get worse..you let one incident slide and then another.

Shizzlestix · 25/04/2018 23:14

Star signs have nothing to do with a bloke being an arsehole. Why do you want to be with such an idiot?

Original poster

Littlerainy · 25/04/2018 23:29

He has been treating me pretty disrespectfully recently- his friends are so far up his wealthy backside that they all make excuses for him as if ‘the lifestyle’ of being with him should be worth that. I’m independent so that’s no effect to me - he can be so so loving but his loss I suppose. Love the kids though so I’ll miss them.

OP posts:

gillybeanz · 25/04/2018 23:31

Sorry, I had sympathy until you mentioned his star sign.
I'd have called him when he didn't return and tell him his dc were soon to be without a carer.
He just wants a baby sitter, why would you want to be with someone who doesn't care for his own dc

NickyNora · 25/04/2018 23:39

Reread your post.
Your well rid of him. He sounds awful.

Original poster

Littlerainy · 25/04/2018 23:41

I’m not looking for sympathy or actually believe in star signs - that was a flippant comment. I’m looking for moral support- they’re not my kids but the girl especially is pretty close with me and is only 10 - so I feel gutted for her too. He’s actually a very hands on dad but I think he’s really taken me for granted. But thanks for wake up call - need it even though the heart is hurting. X

OP posts:

LuluBellaBlue · 25/04/2018 23:43

Im a cancer - but I don’t treat people like that! You are well rid of him.

Oh and yes, I do love the silent treatment but only use it when I don’t ever want to speak to that person again. Ever.

gillybeanz · 25/04/2018 23:50

I'm sorry but hands on dads do not leave their kids with someone else when they only see them for a few hours,
He had stuff to do and drinking was more important than his kids.
You are far better off without him, he was obviously put out that you weren't the door mat he thought you were.
Block him and move on, shame about his kids, but they are his responsibility not yours.
A good father wouldn't set his child up to be upset when his gf moved on because he was such a twat. He would behave better.

Fiera · 25/04/2018 23:51

'Silent treatment' is actually really abusive imo.
Fook him off, he sounds like an utter f'in bell end!

OliviaStabler · 25/04/2018 23:54

So what happened between 6:45pm and 10pm? Surely you messaged him when he didn't bring the takeaway home for all of you for dinner?

Cricrichan · 25/04/2018 23:55

So you were left waiting for food? What a tosser

Original poster

Littlerainy · 26/04/2018 00:09

I need to hear this. And yes I was flicking starving - while he was sitting in pub with his estranged wife’s sister and her hubby. He done this before on holiday and I went berserk - it was an all day session that time and I was the bad one for upsetting the kids lol. At least he apologised that time. Ffs love really is blind.

OP posts:

Angelf1sh · 26/04/2018 00:41

I cannot believe that he left his kids hungry like that! Worse still is that you’re still describing him as caring and a good dad!! He’s an utter fuckwit and you’re well out of it.

ponyprincess · 26/04/2018 01:11

Give.him.the silent treatment now and move on

Graphista · 26/04/2018 01:16

Honestly? I'd read that as a break up and treat it as such.

Has he stuff at yours? Your key? Time to exchange or dump his stuff at his door and change your locks.

He's a passive aggressive abusive tosser AND a shit dad!

lifebegins50 · 26/04/2018 08:20

He really is self centred and entitled and he has balant disregard for you.There were lots of ways he could have made this ok for all of you.

I am imagine he is telling everyone "just when for a drink with family and she went mad".

Guess you now know why his marriage failed! Is he even divorced?

The nice cycle is classic.The good times keep you hooked until the bad times outweigh the good.

trojanpony · 26/04/2018 08:27

Silent treatment is VERY abusive.

You are well shot of him

Isetan · 26/04/2018 08:38

Why are you not asking the important question? Which is, 'why the fuck did I put up with his shit for so long'? Start finding out the answer to that question, before he plays nice and you're tempted to take him back.

Original poster

Littlerainy · 26/04/2018 08:45

You’re all right - the silent treatment is very abusive and not first time he’s done this for weeks. This time I ended it. Yes he can be lovely and we’ve spent lots of quality time together and with kids etc. Anyhow, I’m a pretty good catch despite how he’s made me feel and I will not take this type of behaviour in the future. Thanks for advice.

OP posts:

MiniTheMinx · 26/04/2018 08:46

I don't have much faith in astrology, but 20 years ago I could have written much the same. He was a cancer and wealthy too. I had a great relationship with his kids, but I refused to baby sit. He wanted to move them back in with him full time and for me to give up work. We were surrounded by hangers on, and staff who did more than just their jobs. I don't think we ever spent more than one week a year alone. Even holidays. The sulking and silence was cyclical. Eventually I learned to like it. I used the time to see friends, work overtime, study, go away. I never pulled him up on it. I did though realise that as fun as the fun times were I didn't want to settle there forever.

I guess it depends on what you want. How much fun is this relationship, do you benefit from anything he has to offer? Is he good to you in anyway? It doesn't sound like a long term sustainable relationship that will go the course, it sounds like a convenient stop gap for both of you. And then, is this enough for you? How many years baby sitting and sulking, how many more silences. Eventually it exhausts you, or like me you find that the silences are the best bits!

I wasted 4 years working that out. And I could probably have met someone far more suitable had I walked away. And I think you deserve better too

HollowTalk · 26/04/2018 11:17

What you feel for him isn't love, OP. He's abusive - your reaction should be to get away from him, not to think that you love him.

Original poster

Littlerainy · 26/04/2018 17:16

I think my reaction is because I fell very much in love with him - I felt loved - but not over last few months

OP posts:

lifebegins50 · 26/04/2018 19:45

I suspect he is someone who does the idealise, devalue and discard cycle.

It can appear very sudden when you are on the receiving end and causes you to wonder what happened.
He may go back to nice mode but only when you have demostrated you are back under control putting his needs first.

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