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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So bloody cliche but found husbands Ashley Madison "guest"profile

23 replies

Whyareallmensuchfuckingscum · 24/04/2018 14:12

Hi guys

That's just it really, his email is linked to one of our iPads, and I saw that he had emails from AM in his email account, so I clicked the link and it brought me to his "profile"
He is signed in as guest with no points whatever the hell that means.
He has reviewed messages but not responded or replied.
It's definitely him as it has a picture of him.
He is denying he set it up, must think I am actually thick, his picture is there to see.
Have a feeling it's the tip of the iceberg. Why do people do this and then try and turn it around, and say you obviously don't trust me!
I just had his baby, we have 3DC, all under the age of 5 been together 11 years, married 8. How can he do this to us, our family, in shock don't know what to do.
Please help me, no family to turn to, only his

OP posts:
TuTru · 24/04/2018 14:15

What a dickhead! You must be feeling a bit shocked and confused. Don’t do anything until you have got it all straight in your mind xx

loveyoutothemoon · 24/04/2018 14:16

Hi, sorry about this. How does he think that you're not going to come across this?

Original poster
Whyareallmensuchfuckingscum · 24/04/2018 14:21

Thanks for reply guys, I am absolutely gutted and feel so lost. I don't know what to do.
He keeps saying "why would I hurt you like that" like does he honestly think that I can't see his picture, why keep denying? What is the point? We can both clearly see his picture and his email address. Not even bothering to hide it, says how much respect he has for me and our family

OP posts:
MaudlinMews · 24/04/2018 14:24

Ignore what he says, look at what he does. Actions tell the truth.

Ask him to explain how his picture and e-mail got there and then let him speak. Don't say a word. Listen. Watch as he ties himself into knots.

womanformallyknownaswoman · 24/04/2018 14:32

It sucks this has happened to you. The betrayal is the worse thing. Do lots of self care for the shock. What a bastard.

I know what I would do and it's hard with 3 children under 5. It's his lying that's a huge red flag. Many guys escalate their abuse when the women is vulnerable from having children so easier to control. Whether the abuse is violence, or playing away or porn or coercive control - it's all the same thing in the end - he's not to be trusted and not a man of his word.

Get some independent input from Womansaid or somewhere like that - some more information on which to base any decisions going forward. And if possible get someone to forensically look at his online stuff without him knowing- I bet it's not his only activity. You could put a key logger on his device. Is he tech savvy?

Secure your finances as well and documentation for them. It's best to prepare for the worse even if it doesn't eventuate. But first get help and self care - there's no rush - play along with him, even downplaying it whilst you decide what is in your best interest...

QueenOfPlagues · 24/04/2018 16:51

Hi OP, this happened to me 4 years ago. DP had used my laptop to check his email but hadn't shut it down so when I lifted the lid to use it, I could see his emails. He only had one from Ashley Madison in relation to signing up but I pressed the forgotten password link and changed it so that I could access the account. There were no sent or received messages on it and within five minutes of me being online a few "women" sent messages (tbh I think it's more likely they were bots rather than actual people). I confronted DP and he was honest about it (as far as I know). He admitted to signing up but said he hadn't messaged anyone. Obviously I'll never know whether he did or not, but the fact that there were no messages on the account or emails to him alerting him of a new message, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. That was my personal choice, and I know that there are people who would argue that he probably wasn't telling the truth but your husband definitely isn't.

DP and I are still together and we worked hard to get the trust back, but it involved him being completely open with me and allowing me access to his phone etc whenever I wanted. I think in our situation it also helped that we worked the same job and same hours and quite literally were never apart so I knew nothing physical had happened. Only you can decide where you go from here, if there is ANY chance of moving forward he needs to tell the truth.

I've waffled on a bit and I'm not sure I've made much sense but do feel free to PM me if you want more information.

AnyFucker · 24/04/2018 16:53

He must think you are stupid

Original poster
Whyareallmensuchfuckingscum · 24/04/2018 17:10

Thank you @queen
Yeah I know any, I feel bloody stupid and all 😔

OP posts:
Adora10 · 24/04/2018 17:14

He's the stupid one, risking his family for what, what exactly is he doing on there, is that not escorts, I'd not engage with him OP until he can credit you with the decency to tell you the truth; his face is plastered there, is he saying someone set it up, honestly, what a dick.

Adora10 · 24/04/2018 17:17

I am sorry but why does anyone sign up to any hook up site and then not message anyone, makes actual no sense whatsoever, the whole point of setting up a profile, which takes time is to do exactly that, and then take it further, I can't believe folk believe they just go onto look and do nothing, very convenient lie that isn't it.

Original poster
Whyareallmensuchfuckingscum · 24/04/2018 17:20

Apparently it's other dicks who want to have fun outside committed relationships.
I asked him to leave and not to come back unless he wants to start being honest about what a shady fucker he is.
Finance wise, joint mortgage but I am the main earner, however on Mat leave at the minute. Made a life with him and moved across the world and now I feel alone and like the person I thought he was has died

OP posts:
InDubiousBattle · 24/04/2018 17:22

What do you want to happen now op? He is so obviously lying to you, is this something you will ever forgive and come to terms with?

Original poster
Whyareallmensuchfuckingscum · 24/04/2018 17:26

Really don't know. My heart breaks for my beautiful innocent DC.
I had a very very bad childhood and DF and always wanted happiness or happy home for my DC
I have failed in my judgement of DH, I honestly believed he would never hurt me,

OP posts:
Adora10 · 24/04/2018 17:26

You did the right thing, don't be a fool that lies down and covers up his shite like others on here; you know he set it up, you've seen with your own eyes, he's now lying about it, let him go and have a good think about why he feels the need to A, deceive you and B, lie about it.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 24/04/2018 17:27

Take screenshots of his profile and of the emails.

Save these somewhere safe where he can't access them.

Has he left? Sorry you are going through this. Do you get on with his family? Could you tell them what's going on? Would imagine they would be appalled.

"why would I hurt you like that"

What a total dick. Is he still denying that it's him (with his photo and email)? I am incredulous.

Adora10 · 24/04/2018 17:27

I have failed in my judgement of DH, I honestly believed he would never hurt me,

Not true, NICE men do these things too, you can never tell.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 24/04/2018 17:29

always wanted happiness or happy home for my DC

You can still make this happen, but not with a cheating bastard.

Original poster
Whyareallmensuchfuckingscum · 24/04/2018 17:32

I have all the screen shots including his profile pic.
It's definitely him, the picture is half his face and he is wearing a shirt I bought him, so no denying its him.
His folks are ok, very old school, been married 35 years, his Dad would not be happy at all.
Not sure if I want to talk to them, he has gone to stay with them, so bound to be questions asked

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 24/04/2018 17:33

OP - I think on those sort of sites - men need to actually pay to reply to messages from women.
So - if he is signed in as a guest - it’s likely that he only set up a profile but wasn’t yet in communication with anyone.

Not that it’s hwlpful to you, but maybe it is?
It is still possible that he was looking and wondering; and fantasising.
W/o actually acting on it.

Have a look at the profile itself. There must be a place to check if ta a free one or paid one.

Check your bills, credit cards, etc. See if he has Kik and DayUse
Those are apps that enable these sort of things.

Original poster
Whyareallmensuchfuckingscum · 24/04/2018 17:38

Thanks MMmom
I just checked the screen shots.
It says "guest profile"
No points
Messages in inbox, when I clicked in one, it said "user 20182 would like to meet people like you in her area"
So generic not any "personal messages" that I can see.
Think the lying about to my face is the biggest worry

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 24/04/2018 17:45

what a creep OP.. glad your sent him away Flowers

Psychobabble123 · 24/04/2018 18:28

What a prick, I'm so sorry this is happening to you OP. I've been where you are and know how much it hurts.

AnyFucker · 24/04/2018 19:49

He is the failure, not you

He has failed to be a person that is worth pursuing a relationship with

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