XP demanding to know where I live

[HardHearts]

XP has always been controlling, angry and emotionally abusive, but over the past year it became so severe that I finally took the step to leave with DD a couple of months ago.

He is now demanding to be told where we’re living saying it’s his right to know.

Under normal circumstances I would agree that a DF has a right to know where his DC live, but he has form for stalking me and invading my privacy while we were together and his temper terrifies me so I’d never feel safe or be able to relax for fear of him turning up or spying on me.

DD is 17 (18 in a couple of months) so perfectly able to decide when or if she sees her DF and make arrangements, but despite lots of promises he’s barely shown an interest since we left, until now.

He can contact her or myself easily by phone if he wants or needs to so it’s not that he’s been totally excluded from her life or anything.

This just feels like a new way of trying to control me and I don’t know what to do!

Ignore ignore ignore.

He has no right to know where you live, and I don’t think he has a ‘right’ to know where DD lives but I’m not sure. If you are concerned about harassment maybe call the police on 101 or get some legal advice?

It's absolutely not his right to know by the way. If your DD was a child possibly but as it is she's practically a legal adult and he has no 'right' over her.

Yes ignore. If your dd was younger I might be a bit m Re inclined to arrange supervised visits (but not at your house), but as she’s nearly 17, I’d aimply inform him that you’ve passed on his request to see her and that it’s now up to her, I’d then simply ignore anything else he sends

Ignore him. Your DD has a right to expect a relationship with him. She can’t make him have a relationship with her but he can’t make her have a relationship with him either.

She is 17, he doesn’t even need to know where you live. He doesn’t need to even speak to you anymore.

Send one final message telling him he can sort out seeing dd with dd and you don’t expect him to contact you again.

He has no automatic legal right to know where his child is, while she is in your custody (ie even if you had 50/50 custody, he would not be entitled to know your address).

He can apply to court for an order to disclose your address, but he’s highly unlikely to get it - there would need to be specific reasons why he needs it, and his history of stalking would count very strongly against him.

In any event even if he can be bothered it would be months before it could get to court, and your daughter is almost an adult anyway.

Ignore!

Family solicitor here.

He has no such right. He cannot even seek a child arrangements order for contact with your daughter as all such order expire at age 16.

Ignore, and call the cops if he persists with the harassment.

Don't do it. You'll be dealing with hassle from him forever if you do. As DD is almost an adult, he will have no rights at all once she turns 18, and prior to that I'd argue that your right not to be harassed is more important than his right ( if indeed he has a right) to know where you live.
However i would be worrying that he'll try to drag the address out of DD. Have you spoken to her about it?
Meanwhile, just ignore his demands - if you respond with reasons, he'll argue it. Best to just not respond.

Ignore him. Call the police if he continues to harass you.
Your daughter is able to manage her relationship with her father herself. Just make sure she is clear on your wishes for him to not know where you are.
You are free. Don't be dragged back OP

As hard as it is, ignore him. As you say, your dd will be 18 soon and it will be her decision if she wants to see him, he can contact her anytime by phone so he hasn't been excluded from her life.

I am guessing though that he realises dd won't be too bothered to contact him and is now trying to exert control over you by knowing your address so he can turn up whenever he wants to disconcert you. It simply is none of his business. You don't ever have to see him again and he has no right to demand anything.

Don't tell him. She's an adult in a couple of months so even he can see it's not your duty then. That's probably why he's pushing now.

I could understand if your DD was a baby or a small child but she's gonna be an adult in a few months. If he wants to see her he can contact her no need to know where you live.

Don't tell the creepy fucker anything.

I'm sorry he is trying to put you through this.

Phew! Thank you, I was worried I’d be told that he should know!

I’m just so used to doing whatever he tells me to that I think I’m now second guessing myself.

DD is aware that I want to keep our address private and why as she’s witnessed a lot of his behaviour recently (which was the deciding factor that made my mind up to leave).

I’d never try to interfere if she wants to see him and he knows this, so I really do think it’s just another control tactic.

It’s so annoying that he knows what works and what buttons to push, but NO WAY will I get sucked back in now that we’re finally out!

Well done on leaving .

Thank you, it was the hardest and scariest thing I’ve ever done but so worth it.
Even if I do keep swinging between feeling really low, a bit directionless and ecstatic!

I’ll just keep ignoring the demands.

Does your DD have / need a way to shut him down if he starts pestering her for your address? He sounds like a bully and I wonder if a ‘planned’ line to repeat as necessary might help?

E.g. “mum has asked that I don’t share her address with you and I want to respect that”

You’re right, he is a bully so I think she’ll need a stock answer for if (when) he starts.
Extremely pissed off that he’s likely to pressurise her though

The mood swings, mood might not be the right word - sorry, I’m sleep deprived, are completely normal after getting away from someone abusive.

Just keep ignoring and if he keeps on the report him to the police for harassment.

Agree your DD can tell him she is respecting your privacy, if she talks to him.

That’s a good response for her to use, thanks for the suggestion Orange and Adora

Ignore him he has no right to know where either of you live especially if you are worried about your safety

He is going mad because he can't control you anymore. Just ignore him.

You probably should talk to your dd about what is acceptable or not in a relationship - even with a parent. Because he may well move on to her if he can't control you. Maybe she could talk to someone about this - a counselor or someone at school.

@HardHearts would it help you to do the freedom course with women's aid. To help empower you.

Please keep all texts or messages/emails and if you have a number of them you could speak to the police about him stalking you. It does sound like he is trying to get some sort of engagement from you. Are you legally divorced now?

Good luck.

Ignore, ignore, ignore
DD is very nearly 18

I agree that he’s likely to try with DD once he realises it’s not working with me anymore, I have spoken with her about boundaries and what’s acceptable etc, school have also been great and are offering pastoral support.

I do think the freedom program would be beneficial for me - it’s taken me until recently to begin understanding what’s been happening and I know I’ll still struggle without help.

We never married, despite being engaged for several years so at least I don’t have to deal with divorce. We do have joint finances to sort out though and I admit that I’m terrified that he’ll use that against me.