Well here it goes, I’ll try not to bore you will the details… I don’t know how to deal with my sister and my mother. Over the last few year I feel it more than ever of being maddened, upsets, and even dislike keeping in contact with them.
Since childhood I had always been put down or even made fun of by my sister. More recently I’ve been told “I’m talking too much” because I have so much self-esteem as I’m doing medicine and that I’m lazy and don’t contribute anything. I’m a mature medical student studying abroad and I come home during all my vacations and work such that I can afford to study and live out there. When I do come home I do live with my mum and sister mainly to save for living and studying abroad. Whilst staying with them, I don’t have to pay any rent nor expenses, but I feel it’s being paid by them chipping away at my self-esteem and restricting everything in my life. They had even agreed to support me when I had told them I had got in, but seems their support comes with a lot of back lash. Using the fact, I don’t / contribute very minimally to the household though I do household grocery shopping when I’m back, in addition constant cleaning the house, I try make my presence at home beneficial to them a much as possible. They understood when I explained the repercussions of me going back to education financially.
When I come home if I want to go out I would/will have to answer to both my wheres and who and whats and why am I going out and whilst going out I would receive numerous texts from my sister at 8.30pm onwards to tell me to come home and say my mother is pissed off I’m not home yet and I could not enjoy the time I had while home with my close friends.
To which eventually over the fews years I had stopped going out and seeing my closest friends and only kept in contact with a few text here and there while at home and going out probably once or twice a year and just going to work and returning home. I was felt I was being isolated from my closest friends.
My mother and sister are very much on the same page, they enable each other. My sister will egg on my mother, regardless whether what I was doing/saying / thinking. Maybe it’s because my mum feels guilty and gives a lot of slack for my sister as my sister’s arranged marriage fell apart. I even gave slack for her behaviour towards me, but it was going on for far too long. My mother see’s her as the golden child and she cannot do wrong. I feel I’m forever in the wrong, my choices are wrong or inadequate, or like I don’t know anything.
My sister never wants to hear that she is wrong, she won’t accept the fact that she can be wrong, even when it is clearly laid out… even the idea of accepting health advice when she tells me she has XYZ health problem, most of which is due to current weight, and lifestyle, she refused to accept, where she decides to divert the talk to me dating my SO, with the involvement of my mother who beginthe ‘typical’ south Asian drama of choose between me or him and what will the community say, and then going on to move out, tell him to pay for everything ( N.B I pay for the majority of my living cost and course fees whilst abroad), to then you’re not to leave this house…which is why I no longer give my advice or say anything.
Another recent situation is my mother asked for my opinion about a potential suitor for my sister, I had responded there is a quite a large age gap and I wouldn’t entertain the idea as I think there would be numerous mismatches, then my mother says who asked you, what do you know. What I know is my parents arrange my sister’s first marriage, there was a age gap, and him not being acclimatised to the countries culture and loads of other factors resulting in a divorce. Again the notion of not accepting fault here.
Being from a traditional South Indian family, dating was never allowed, but whilst I was in upper high school and my sister was in uni, I had come to find out she was dating someone to which I was genuinely happy. When I went to uni I had a relationship, and thereafter uni I had another. My sister had been using my relationship to blackmail me with and threaten to tell my parents if she didn’t get her way.
Just about 2 years ago I had met my wonderful SO and we got on very well and currently serious and wanting to marry after I graduate. His family know about me. I wanted to have an adult relationship with my sister such that I told my sister, as usual she took an immediate dislike, she has not even met him yet. I thought me telling her about him we could maybe move on from her undermining me relation to an adult and amicable relationship, but she still uses my relationship to blackmail me to getting her way. To which I decided I should tell my mother myself, than hear from someone else. Being in my late 20’s my mother had told me if there is a SO to let her know. Having told her she flipped, using the fact of she doesn’t know them, what will the family think, they’re from a different village as to us, it was more or less making it about herself. It turned to WWIII at home and my mother telling me to discontinue the relation with him and my sister was egging her on. After this incident, I had decided to keep quiet about the relation with my SO and still to this day I’ve kept it quite. I know my sister knows I see him giving all sorts of excuses to get out the house.
I understand the fact I’m completing my medical degree and to concentrate on it, but for them there is this aspect I feel they’re losing control. Since I’ve been with SO I’ve felt freedom, the ability I can do anything without the negative comments and undermining and he’s very supportive of my career choice.
Having looked back and speaking to my brother, I feel they had the same attitude and behaviour to him, but managed to limit this by getting married (a great difficulty) and moving out with is wonderful wife.
You wouldn’t ever think they can put you down, and make you feel like crap and feeling undermined, you’d think they’re fully supportive and lovely people, I mean they can be but it comes with a whole load of catch and forever telling me I’m debt to them. I intend to fully repay back all the financial aid once I’ve done.
I thought my mother is stuck in her backward ways having emigrated here, but I now realised it’s not backwards, but it’s her attitude and it has to be how she wants or not. I can’t practically move out of home until I’ve finished my degree cos I need to save to complete my medical degree and living costs. This may just possible be a rant, just letting it out and being able to put it down and it seems rather scatty, and I did try not to bore you with all the nitty gritty. am i being overly sensitive?
Essentially, I don’t know how to deal with my sister and mother’s behaviour towards me and life choices. As well as introducing my SO to my family the "proper way" as a south asian.