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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

stonewalled

20 replies

iwillgetthrough · 17/12/2017 09:52

Just need some advice please..
I met this guy online and we dated exclusively for 3 months. He was great, we spoke all the time and I could see myself having a future with him.

I was feeling insecure when i saw him "like" a social media pic of a girl he's friends with. I asked him if it was his ex gf and he said no and it was a friend he met abroad.
I was feeling extremely insecure that day

(I've been previously cheated on with other exes and a like on social.media had escalated into more with my last bf)

I created an argument with my new guy and I tried to explain to him I was feeling jealous and insecure but it stemmed from a previous relationahip. I said I was sorry and acknowledged my own issues.

the trouble is as I was arguing on the phone with him he hung up on me. I haven't spoken to him in 3 weeks. I've tried to call and text and all goes unanswered.

I guess I'm so shocked how something so good can turn so bad so quickly. That he hasn't spoken to me after I apologied. How could I mean nothing to him.
we were both thinking of a future together and yet he can't find it in his heart to forgive me after what I think was a little argument.

I know I should forget him it was only 3 months ; but I still want him he truly did make me happy over the last few months :(

OP posts:

Slipperqueen3 · 17/12/2017 09:54

Maybe your gut was right. It’s hirrible but move on x

Be3Al2SiO36 · 17/12/2017 10:00

I think you should work on yourself for a while. Maybe for a year or two.

Maybe less of being a victim from past relationships and less of people 'truly' making you happy. There are plenty of idiots around, there always will be, the trick is to set your own goals and parameters and not rely on anyone else to make you happy. Your signals will change and you will attract great people, not losers, and more importantly so by ceasing to see yourself as victim.

Original poster

iwillgetthrough · 17/12/2017 10:24

thank you. you're both right. and im trying very hard to move on. it's just hard atm.
I'm trying to concentrate on me for a while

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 17/12/2017 10:30

Three months is nothing. You should not have been thinking about the future. You were getting way ahead of yourself.

Three months is still early days of getting to know each other and finding out if you are compatible.

The FB thing showed that you are not compatible with each other. It isn't about forgiveness of each other.

It's just that you and he turned out to be not a good fit.

Slipperqueen3 · 17/12/2017 10:36

RunRabbit that’s singularly unhelpful!!! There’s no “should” about it!

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 17/12/2017 10:40

If a person is going all "future" and "why can't he forgive me" within 3 months it is an indication of unhealthy and damaging ideas about relationships. Knowing that your ideas about something are way off is half the battle of getting yourself back to normal.

AFistfulOfDolores · 17/12/2017 11:22

I agree with RunRabbit, in spite of the use of "should". OP, yes, it might be worth working on yourself for a while. Three months is nothing; you may think you know someone, but in truth you'll know nothing about them at all - as you've found out with his unexpected behaviour.

MsGameandWatching · 17/12/2017 11:28

I think you picked a fight for no good reason and it probably wasn’t the first time. Had you showed any signs of “Trust Issues” before? I imagine he thought “after only three months I don’t need this!” And that’s why you haven’t heard from him.

Btw bringing Trust Issues from previous relationships into new ones is a sure fire way of making sure the new one doesn’t work out. I’m not being unsympathetic btw I was cheated on horribly over years by my ex. I made up my mind that new relationships shouldn’t have to carry that load and until I have no Trust Issues then there should be no relationship.

Original poster

iwillgetthrough · 17/12/2017 13:26

I appreciate all your advice. Deep down I know you're all right. it's just dented my ego I think. I'll work on myself first 😀

OP posts:

MsGameandWatching · 17/12/2017 13:50

It’s supposed to be fun this early on, that’s all. I would be lying if I said that I didn’t have the slightest of twinges at seeing “likes” on attractive girls photos but you have to put that nonsense out of your mind and definitely never question it, because they’re not doing anything wrong. I think it would really have helped me when I was younger if someone had said to me what’s been said on this thread. Relationships aren’t supposed to be full of jealousy, drama and angst and if they start heading that way it’s best to end it promptly.

Original poster

iwillgetthrough · 17/12/2017 15:45

it's just a bitter pill to swallow. I let my insecurities get the better of me; and I've ruined it.

OP posts:

Original poster

iwillgetthrough · 17/12/2017 15:57

do you think there's anything I can do to make amends? not necessarily in wanting to get back together but to make things right so he doesn't hate me. I feel so guilty and I can't seem to move forward. I never wanted to treat anyone like this especially as I did care about him.

I understand that I need to work on myself first and that is something I will definitely do also. I need to get my head and heart right before I even think of starting a relationship.

OP posts:

MsGameandWatching · 17/12/2017 16:15

Honestly if I was him I would want to be left alone. You say you’ve messaged and called a few times. There’s nothing you can say or do to make him contact you. Personally I would delete his number and block him everywhere to let yourself get over it.

Biddylee · 17/12/2017 19:16

Iwill Sorry that he ignored you. It's shit because you have no clear closure. However you have some idea that pushing him into an argument was the straw that broke the camel's back. It is also horrible to feel so disposable (I've been through this recently). That is, you've had nice times and then you do the wrong thing and they are gone without a goodbye. He could have made you feel reassured. He could have understood your insecurities. But he didn't and therefore he's not a good match.

It's good to be aware of areas that you need to work on. Do that, block any contact from him and try not to beat yourself up about things.

btw - three months isn't long but it feels like it when you are waiting and hoping that this person might be the right person for you. I do get fed up of the 'it was only three months' comment. When something hurts, it hurts.

YellowAardvark · 18/12/2017 00:18

While it seems you over reacted and agree with pps that you need to work on your own insecurities, I have sympathy- have been stonewalled before and it really sucks as you can’t get any closure

scottishdiem · 18/12/2017 03:14

Yeah to be honest he isn't responding because he doesnt want that kind of response. Most people are after a relationship as opposed to a new role as a psychotherapist. His closure was hanging up. Yours has to be the argument that led to that. If you want a better type of closure (I dont get it but seems to be an issue in this thread) then think of a better way than arguing over the phone.

Mom2K · 18/12/2017 04:25

I think he sounds like a jerk and you've dodged a bullet.

I did a little online dating (mostly just brief initial coffee meet ups that didn't go any further because I just wasn't interested...BUT, I had the decency to politely let each of them know that it wasn't going to progress after they followed up to see if I wanted to go on again). I don't see why this guy couldn't have stated it was over after seeing someone for 3 months.

OP, the Facebook liking of attractive women would bother me too and I am not an insecure person. I find it disrespectful. Would a man in a relationship go up to attractive women in the street and complement them in front of their partner? No, not unless they're incredibly stupid...and to me a lot of men's (and some women) Facebook behaviour is the equivalent of that.

It's not something I would tolerate in any relationship of mine but that's just my standard and I'm content to be single if there isn't someone with the same standards for respect that I have. But to each their own.

Even though you have admitted that you are insecure from a previous relationship... I don't think you should internalize this too much. If something bothers you in a relationship and the guy has no interest in talking it out or trying to understand why you feel the way you do, he is not a great guy. And stonewalling is a known form of abuse. Don't try to win him back, if you succeed this is what your future will look like every time you have any kind of disagreement/misunderstanding.

MrsDilber · 18/12/2017 04:46

Whilst I understand why you worry, since you've been cheated on before, you're never going to have a good relationship with anyone if you are jealous and possessive. I've seen it a dozen times. That goes for anyone, not just you.

Lefty1 · 20/12/2017 00:41

Sorry know this thread is slightly old but I actually don't think it's ok to be "liking " other girls pics when he was dating you , my boyfriend wouldn't do this to me or I to him. Liking a picture of a single person , dressed up is basically saying I like how you are looking , in other words I fancy you. Sometimes relationships are started that way , just by liking each other pics and then the guy / girl knows it's kinda "safe" to message and they won't get rejected....

Don't feel guilty about it. I think it was good that you lost this guy early doors! It shows that he wasn't that serious when he is online admiring someone's else's pic , you haven't lost out on him xx

EasterRobin · 20/12/2017 01:14

Sounds like you had good reason to feel insecure (not necessarily connected to his liking a picture; just that he could disappear like that). You can't "ruin" a relationship that is already so fragile. If he behaves like this after a regular argument, it doesn't sound like the relationship could cope with an actual problem.

Still hurts though.

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