This may be long. I will try and explain as much as possible to avoid drip feeding.
I went NC with my family at the start of last year. It took a lot for me to do that and I had low contact from mid 2015. My DM committed suicide when I was 17 and DD died of cancer in 2014. I have 1 brother, a SM who was married to my dad for about 16 years when he died and a few aunts and uncles and GP's as well as a SIL that I do not have contact with.
In my view - and the view of my psychologist - it is best for me to go NC because my family is very toxic, I was never good enough, I always did something wrong etc etc.
I got on really well with both my parents and they were never an issue, My mum had a mental illness and I believe my dad didn't see the toxicity of my family because he had been used to it since a child. It all really went downhill after my dad died.
It started off, when my dad found out his cancer was terminal that my SM would not let me come over and see him, if I called (even his mobile) she would answer and make excuses as to why I could not talk to my dad, because of that I hadn't seen him for about a month before he died, something that still hurts a lot now. I also wanted a say in his funeral and I told my SM this, she was very resistant and told me I couldn't have a say. The rest of my family backed her up, saying she was grieving, her husband just died etc. I understand that but I also lost my dad and I didn't want to take over just have a say like pick a favourite photo or a song he really liked or a funny memory mentioned etc. All attempts were blocked by my stepmother.
After my dad's funeral my family only called me when they wanted something. I was a single mum at the time, worked part time and studied. They told me I was neglecting my DC because I was working but after I was made redundant they told me I was being a bad mum for not working. At this point it was mid 2015 and I limited what they could see on my facebook and only spoke to them on special occasions.
End of 2015 I was out with friends one night and I made the stupid decision to take some drugs, yes I know I was stupid and it was the only time I had taken them and I know there is no excuse for it, anyway my friend was driving (completely sober) and we were in a car accident. We were taken to hospital and I did tell staff I had taken drugs, they were very understanding and did a blood test. I had forgotten to change my next of kin at the hospital and they called my SM and she came into the hospital, the nurse let her into the cubicle as the doctor was discussing the drugs I had taken so she found out I had taken drugs, she promptly told the rest of my family and constantly went on about how I was scum, I was just some junkie slut etc.
Around this time a relative came out of prison, he is a registered child sex offender and for obvious reasons I have no contact with him. My family were going on about how concerned they were about him because he might commit suicide, he had an illness and needed help, he paid his debt to society etc etc. I became very annoyed because they were telling me how horrible I am and I am scum etc yet were supporting this relative unconditionally.
I sent a group text to SM , DB, SIL, GPS and aunts and uncles explaining that I knew taking drugs was wrong, but was it really worth them abusing me all the time about it when they could easily forgive my relative when he had done something much worse?
All I got back was abuse, about how ungrateful I was because they provided me with money when I needed it and my SM could have turned her back on me but didn't and that they are 'upper class' so I must have had a wonderful childhood when I mentioned that I always felt like nothing I did was good enough.
Anyway long story short I cut contact with them in January last year. I had not heard from them until I got a phone call a few days ago. My grandmother called and said she got my phone number from my abusive ex (we have to have each others numbers because of child contact) and said that I had to be at her place on christmas day at this time. I explained to her that the kids and I were going to my boyfriends mums house and it had already been organised weeks ago and to please respect my wish of no contact and to not contact me again. She started saying how ungrateful I was and selfish etc so I hung up. The next day I received a call from my brother saying the same thing and again I hung up. I know it was only 2 calls but every time my phone rings now I jump and get anxious thinking it is them. I am also feeling very guilty because my grandmother said my grandfather is very sick and his dying wish is to see me. I have mentioned this to my boyfriend who told me it was my decision but reminded me how depressed and anxious they used to make me (he has known me since school and has seen their behaviour through the years). I guess I am asking how to deal with the guilt? I have no idea if my grandfather is as sick as my grandmother made out but in the past my family have said similar to get me to talk to them again.
Also for context, here is some of the stuff they have done throughout the years:
- I stupidly let my kids stay with my grandparents for a week in early 2015 and they had my kids baptised without my knowledge or consent and told my kids not to tell me.
- My SM a few years before I went NC hacked into my Facebook account and told everyone I was an alcoholic even though I only drunk at social gatherings and she kept bringing alcohol over
- My SIL and brother (both devout christians where as I am not) told me and my kids we were going to hell because we didn't go to church
- If I didn't want to attend a dinner or something I would be inundated with texts until I agreed
- when my ex was violent towards my DD (not his child) and I kicked him out, my grandmother said she had spoken to him, he admitted it and said he was having a 'bad parenting day'
- All of them would constantly badmouth my mum
- My boyfriend had to step between my SM and myself when we saw her at a park once when I was there with my kids. She was being verbally abusive and she was coming toward me and looked like she was going to punch me so boyfriend stepped in front of me and told her to leave or he would call the police (this was not a planned meeting)
- they told me I was unfair to my ex for getting an order against him because of the violence and he was 'very upset'. Police advised me to get it because they were worried about my safety.
- When my SM witnessed my ex choking me she told me I provoked him and if I just agree with him it wouldn't happen