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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend and his daughter

27 replies

Anonymous2016 · 16/12/2017 23:13

Good evening everyone, I don't come on here very often but I feel like I need some opinions on what I'm about to say because I feel like I am sending myself crazy. So my boyfriend of 3 years has an ex wife and 3 children and I'm currently back in England visiting my family before Christmas. My boyfriends daughter, 15 years old is staying with him for a few days as it's her holidays. Today my boyfriend and myself had an argument over the phone about something stupid and miscommunication and before you know it the argument blows up into something massive. All day I had struggled to get hold of him and then this evening he video called me, first 20 minutes he was ok, abit cold but spoke abit and then he just snapped and him and his daughter were mocking me and taking the pis* about what's happened today. I find it VERY disrespectful that he actually allowed her to do it let alone join in with her, I even asked him if hes trying to make a mug of me and he said yes. Am I being to sensitive or when I'm back in a few days I should confront him about this? It made me feel pathetic and stupid. Thanks xx

OP posts:
pallasathena · 17/12/2017 00:33

Anyone who treats you badly needs to be a/ tackled about their motivation and b/ told that disrespectful behaviour is a complete game changer.
Do not be disrespected....ever.
If you allow others to treat you badly it will escalate.
Undoubtedly.
Maintain both boundaries and self respect and if anyone...boyfriends particularly....try to defile or disrespect you...kick them to kerb.
You deserve better. Every single time.

MistressDeeCee · 17/12/2017 03:21

Well he's told you he is making a mug out of you. He told you that in front of his daughter. He allowed her to mock you too. So you're going to discuss what, exactly? Are you going to have a go at him re involving his daughter? You'll get short shrift if you do - he sounds infantile and will likely see it as an attack on his daughter anyway. No way will he allow you to tell him what his child should and should not do.

Do you think she will ever respect you, given that she's allowed to take the piss out of you? Hardly. Have you not realised they were likely sitting there ignoring your calls all day, letting you ring into oblivion?

If you have any self-respect, you will walk. If you don't have any you will stay and be disrespected further. If you hadn't said he has a 15 year old daughter I'd have thought your man was a teenager.

Shame he is modelling poor relationship boundaries to his daughter but it is what it is. He's no respect for you, you've been told so it's up to you to take that on board, or not. There are far better men than that out there

Koala2018 · 17/12/2017 03:24

This sounds awful on many levels. He shouldn't be modelling such disrespectful and hurtful behaviour in front of his child and he shouldn't be trying to mock you or make you feel low. Try to talk to him about this and explain how damaging it is to you and your relationship with your SD in the future as she will not like or respect you if her father openly mocks and puts you down in front of her.

If he doesn't change, I'd escape this situation. But give him a chance to correct it first?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/12/2017 03:29

No, you're not being sensitive and pathetic, he's being very disrespectful and allowing his DD to be the same - both wrong.

Does he do this a lot, or is this the first time? If it's the first time, I'd consider discussing it before dumping him, but if it's NOT the first time, then he'd be out the door. Or me, depending on whose house it is.

Original poster
Anonymous2016 · 17/12/2017 06:47

Thanks for the replies everyone. This is the first time it's happened, I know we've had a few cross words in front of his children previously but no mocking and so on. Regarding how he deals with his children, he doesn't see them that often because of work also for 6 months of the year we relocate due to work. His daughter has a lot of issues, gets drunk, gets into trouble, sends her dad abuse and then she gets treated to a trip away to his house and whatever she wants, which in my opinion he has ever set any boundaries with her or the other children.
My boyfriend is VERY difficult when it comes to me having an opinion, i can explain why I am upset or angry and he will get defensive straight away so that leads to arguments. If I'm honest when he said to me last night yes he is trying to make a mug out of me, the anger, hate and upset I felt was unbelievable. I don't like confrontation but I also don't like being walked all over which is why I try to explain problems with him but he's like a child. In general we have a good relationship but when a problem does arise it's like hell on earth for me. Thanks xx

OP posts:
43percentburnt · 17/12/2017 06:58

He doesn’t sound great. Only sees his kids occasionally, little input in creating a stable nurturing environment for them with rules and boundaries. Encourages his teenage daughter to believe an adult woman should be disrespected and mocked.

This alone would lead me to dump him.

Olddear · 17/12/2017 08:39

You only have a good relationship if you don't express an opinion. I'd walk.

Greenshoots1 · 17/12/2017 08:41

why isn't he your ex boyfriend?

Isetan · 17/12/2017 08:42

So basically when you’re being a good girl —timid— he’s fine but when he behaves poorly and or you have an opinion he doesn’t agree with, he’s an childish arsehole. What can you do? Stop having an opinion and don’t expect to be treated with respect, it’s not rocket science. However if you do want to be able to express a different opinion and would like to be treated with respect, then you’re in the wrong relationship.

This is who he is, there isn’t a parallel universe where he’s different or some special language that you can use so to stop him from being a dick when challenged.

Maintaining your self respect and a relationship with this man are incompatible.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 17/12/2017 10:25

Your definition of a good relationship is bonkers. You can't have an opinion. You will do anything to avoid confrontation.

He encouraged his child to mock you and said he was choosing to treat you like a mug.

And your reaction is to ask whether maybe you should maybe tell him off when you get back or maybe you should pretend it didn't happen!

Your question should be do I dump him now by phone and block his number or should I dump him in person when I get back.

RandomMess · 17/12/2017 10:27

So he's a bully then, his way or the nasty abuse starts???

Stuff that!

SandyY2K · 17/12/2017 14:20

I wouldn't confront him, because his behaviour would be the end of the relationship for me.

Anything less would be giving him the green light to do it again and in front of his DD. It shows a lack of self respect when you slow someone to treat you this way and still give them the privilledge of being in a relationship with you.

People treat you how you let them.

HeebieJeebies456 · 17/12/2017 14:23

You should have dumped him then and there in front of his daughter...........let them deal with that!

DioneTheDiabolist · 17/12/2017 14:29

He doesn't see his children often and when he does you argue over stupid things. You should split up because this is not good.

happypoobum · 17/12/2017 14:42

My boyfriend is VERY difficult when it comes to me having an opinion,

Dump him.

ferando81 · 17/12/2017 15:43

I'm a bloke and think his behaviour shows no respect at all.He gangs up with is daughter to disrespect you -nothing to discuss -leave him.

cordelia16 · 17/12/2017 19:22

why isn't he your ex boyfriend?

^ this

Reflexella · 17/12/2017 19:39

Yep another vote for dump!

CarliseT · 17/12/2017 19:52

I do not like commenting on lots of posts on here - I find it frustrating when a person posts something and the same person is the first one to defend the man, ie, it's the first time that it has happened etc.

I am not being unkind, if you are going to defend bad behaviour, it's pointless posting here. There are lots of women who are in very bad relationships and keep making excuses for these men - your excuses will prolong their behaviour longer than necessary.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/12/2017 09:21

He sounds awful, sorry.
There's just no need to live your life like that - get rid of him and even if you never find anyone else (unlikely) you'll still be better off than staying with someone like that. :(

ravenmum · 18/12/2017 09:44

when he said to me last night yes he is trying to make a mug out of me, the anger, hate and upset I felt was unbelievable
Listen to your feelings.

category12 · 18/12/2017 09:46

Why didn't you end the video call the moment they started behaving like that? How are you going to go back to someone like this?

senzaparole03 · 18/12/2017 10:06

This isn't going to improve. If you stay with him after this, then it is saying the behaviour is acceptable. And there will be stages after that.

Ultimately, in a relationship you're meant to be equals. You're meant to have each other's back. You're meant to be with one person that you know you can rely on, count on, support you. Not someone who can 'make a mug' out of you, disrespect you, mock you and make you feel as badly as you have felt.

There is only one option here, tbh.

Hopeful103 · 18/12/2017 10:13

Sounds like he really needs dumping. As for his daughter she sounds like bad news. Why would you even want to get involved with them. He was very wrong to do that and now he has given her permission to treat you badly. Urgh just get rid of them.

senzaparole03 · 18/12/2017 10:47

He was very wrong to do that and now he has given her permission to treat you badly.

This is a very important point.

What if you stay with him, and then find out you're pregnant next month? He has demonstrated what he is like as a father, and can easily repeat that with any kids you have together - let's mock mummy, let's make a mug out of mummy.

That's no way to live.

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