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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheating husband

31 replies

Seasunsand4 · 11/12/2017 21:37

Just need a bit of advice.
Found out my husband had physically cheated 6 months before we got married and had a relationship with person for 3 months (ended 6 months before marriage) obviously i had no idea. He had also been messaging numerous other women claiming that he loved them and wished he was married to them. Kicked him out end of aug after finding messages then found out about the physical cheating. He claimed hes been depressed his whole life and tried to push it away and did it all as he was feeling down and craving attention. He has had counselling and has been on AD since we split. Since the day he went hes been broken and will do anything to sort our marriage out. We have 2 kids together youngest is 5 months. Its now been 4 months and i am just so stuck what to do. I cant trust him and cant get it all out my head. As far as i know there's been no contact from him to other women since. But i can't make a decision whether to try or cut my losses and divorce him.

OP posts:
facelessvongorgeous · 11/12/2017 21:39

Cut your losses. It's a pattern, not a one off.

Original poster
Seasunsand4 · 11/12/2017 21:43

I caught him texting another woman 2 years before we got married too and he swore it would never happen again. But all this has been happening whilst iv learnt to trust him again. Hes cheated on every woman hes ever been with iv found out since i kicked him out. But never reached out for help before. Do you think its all an act?

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Shen0102 · 11/12/2017 21:44

You deserve better than him xx

AllTheWayDown · 11/12/2017 21:45

Thanks this must be hard for you my love. Especially as it wasn't long after having your baby. First of all, good on you for getting him out. If I'm honest it sounds a bit odd that his depression only came to light once you kicked him out and seems that he's saying this stuff to get you back. In my experience if you take him back now, he'll only do it again as he's got away with it. If you let go of him now, you'll probably save yourself a lot of heart ache. Could you really trust him if you take him back?

Original poster
Seasunsand4 · 11/12/2017 21:46

Its been the hardest time of my life. I always said id never get married and then i put all my trust in him and hes ruined it all.

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Original poster
Seasunsand4 · 11/12/2017 21:48

I know he has struggled with depression but he always shrugged it off and said he was fine. Until it went to shit and he was out on his arse then it seems like he would acknowledge it then.

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AllTheWayDown · 11/12/2017 21:49

Completely understand that. But I would honestly just let him go now he's proved to you that he can't stay faithful, even when you have 2 children together. Cheating affects them too, not just you.

Original poster
Seasunsand4 · 11/12/2017 21:51

Totally agree. Kids will always come first and be my priority. Oldest is 5 and hasnt noticed too much his dad isnt here at night. But at the same time iv been really generous with contact and let H see kids whenever he wants.

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facelessvongorgeous · 11/12/2017 22:04

It's a really difficult time of year so make sure you also have time for yourself and lots of support. You shouldn't have to be the one that suffers because of his behaviour and it'll only get worse if you allow it. Well done for standing up for yourself and your children.

Original poster
Seasunsand4 · 11/12/2017 22:11

I do have support but wierdly its mainly from his parents as im very close to them. They keep out of relationship details but are there for both of us. My parents im not so close to but have said they will support me whatever i decide. I dont want christmas to be a bad one. And it all blew up just after our first wedding anniversary. Whilst we were out for a meal for our anniversary he was texting another woman telling her id blackmailed him into going out and he couldnt stop checking his phone for her replies. He was also texting same woman (who isnt interested him in the least and who he had been pestering to be honest) 10 mins after id delivered our baby telling her the baby was here and telling her her name. Before his own mother or mine. Everytime we talk all he says is i know and im sorry. Im probably still in shock.

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JantyK · 11/12/2017 22:12

Has he thought about having counselling for sex addiction? Although many people think that is an excuse for 'having their cake' sometimes the attention they crave from strangers or people they don't know very well makes them feel temporarily relieved of their stress/depression. It is a very real problem for many people particularly now there are so many ways to 'meet' women and the social opportunities are better. I am not saying it is a fabulous way to run a marriage but (having been through it) I know that things can get better if you are both prepared to put some work into it. It depends if you think there is enough there to work on. Trust is very difficult to get back and it would be a different type of relationship with him doing all the work to prove you haven't made a mistake giving him any more chances. The only advice I could offer realistically is that if your relationship if more than half good and he genuinely is prepared to do what it takes to understand why he has done what he has done, then don't make a quick decision. Give yourself plenty of time and keep the jury out until you are sure you can have a good future. Any addiction is bad in any relationship but if everything is out in the open and the intentions are for improvement, good can come from it. I hope that helps.

Original poster
Seasunsand4 · 11/12/2017 22:15

He has had 2 months of counselling for addictive behaviours. I think he could do with more. We are civil and get on fine for children's sake and i would never let that change, i care more about them than myself and my feelings/anger. I feel we could potentially sort it out but half of me says its all changed and i dont feel the same about him anymore after what hes done.

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SandyY2K · 11/12/2017 22:40

The text after you had your baby and saying you'd blackmailed him would seal his fate for me.

He's NOT a safe partner and he can't be trusted.

Stay as you are.

HappyintheHills · 11/12/2017 22:40

You don’t trust him, do you?

You don’t have to make a decision to take him back unless you do.

Original poster
Seasunsand4 · 11/12/2017 23:02

A lot of things would seal his fate. I dont trust him. How do you get that trust back? Such a hard situation.

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NellMangel · 11/12/2017 23:04

I would absolutely cut my losses.

I took back a cheater, wrong move, he cheated again. In the course of finding out about his final cheat I uncovered another episode with another woman. God knows how many others.

I dont really care if there is a clinical reason or if he's purely a selfish twat - exposing yourself to that level of hurt and risk of recurrence is bad for your health and your life.

Good luck I know it is hard but honestly every day you get stronger and you'll look back and think "thank fuck I dodged that bullet" x

JantyK · 11/12/2017 23:10

You won’t feel the same but if he does genuinely work at changing you could eventually develop respect. It’s a hard commitment and 2 months counselling isn’t enough, plus he might need to try a few counsellors before it clicks. So many people are quick to say ‘leave’ or ‘he’ll do it again’ but they don’t know any more than you do. If you think he’s worth the chance it will take a lot of strength and also your own counselling and support - but it might just be worth it. You don’t have to make any decisions now or even in the future. Take time to heal yourself and let him prove he wants to fight for you. If he doesn’t then you’ve at least started looking after yourself. My OH had to hit rock bottom but then everything turned round. It’s not perfect but we’ve had 8 ‘clear’ years and seems to still be going strong although of course there are never any guarantees - for anyone. X

RedastheRose · 12/12/2017 00:33

Sorry but the I'm depressed and that's why I did it excuse is just that a convenient excuse so it's not his fault. His behaviour has been so hurtful and disrespectful that I genuinely can't believe that he is a nice person at all, what normal nice person would think of texting some woman he wanted to shag to tell her your baby's name, He is very very unlikely to change no matter what he says and if he did he would have to have serious counselling and take full responsibility for his actions and re earn your trust which would mean staying separated without you making life easy for him, him taking over care of the DC's when it's his turn to have them not just 'seeing them while you are doing all the heavy lifting'. There is no wrong with staying separated and coparenting. Your DCs deserve to have a father who treats there mother properly and if he doesn't then you are showing them a poor example of what to expect in a relationship.

Original poster
Seasunsand4 · 12/12/2017 00:59

Im more than happy to be seperated and am more than willing to co parent should the decision be made by me to divorce. Just dont want to make an easy choice on such a serious matter. Marriage means a lot to me now, shame it didn't for him. Would never have married him knowing what he was truly like and that hurts a lot. Hes ruined something for me forever. Background to his depression, he has struggled with it quietly but a few big things happened which triggered him off at the time. Massive amounts of shit with members of my family who have issues and his father being diagnosed with a brain tumour. No excuse to be cheating on his fiance though. I suffer with anxiety and depression and have not once been unfaithful to him and we was together 5 years.

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Original poster
Seasunsand4 · 12/12/2017 01:01

He cant co parent at min as not suitable to have 2 children where hes staying. And baby only 5 months so quite keen to keep her with me at home

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ohfourfoxache · 12/12/2017 01:12

I think you probably know what you need to do tbh.

It does feel like you’re looking for - I don’t know, permission? - to end it.

You have done absolutely nothing wrong you know - this is not your fault.

Keep him out of this - he forfeited the right for his feelings to be considered. Do what is best for you and your dc.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this Thanks

Original poster
Seasunsand4 · 12/12/2017 01:33

Thank you everyone. Just seems to be such a mess and i didnt expect to be here at 25 years old. I always have and always will put my children first. How do i even go about starting a divorce were i to decide on that? Could i put it under adultery even though it was before we got married but the messaging other women was after?

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ohfourfoxache · 12/12/2017 01:44

I have absolutely no idea about how to start divorcing, but you might find this website helpful to ascertain what you’re entitled to

www.entitledto.co.uk

I completely get what you’re saying about going through this at 25. But on the plus side you won’t have wasted precious years with this tosser. Some of the loveliest posters on here have wasted 10, 20, 30 years. That’s a long time to be unhappy and mistreated and mistrusting for.

HappyintheHills · 12/12/2017 09:18

You don’t have to do anything to get the trust back, he would have to want to rebuild it and wait until you were ready, without putting pressure on you.
Divorce could be on unreasonable conduct.
You could go for the free half hour most solicitors offer to explore your options.

Original poster
Seasunsand4 · 12/12/2017 09:48

He is doing all that and all the effort towards our relationship is coming from him at the moment. I may do that. The finances side is sorted, i always had my own bank account and only joint account for bills. Since he went i took over all household direct debits and the mortgage.

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