What do I tell my friend?

[Ironmanrocks]

My friend is having marriage trouble. Her husband is lovely, but he can be a bit controlling. I have been a good friend, helped out where I can and have been an ear when she has needed it (since April or so last year). She has just moved out temporarily to get some space and it seems like a weight has been lifted from her shoulders. They have been to counselling but have only had a few sessions.
I saw her husband today and asked how he was so he started to tell me that he didn't understand why she had left etc etc. Then he proceeded to tell me that his wife had been asking him to sleep with someone else so she could watch. He declined. He also said that he had found her in the bath with a woman. Now, I love my friend and figure that her personal life is just that - personal - it's not my business. But I'm not sure whether to warn her that her husband is telling people this kind of stuff. He thinks she has gone mad. Her FIL also told me she had had an affair. I'm not sure whether to ask if it's true (it wouldn't affect our relationship - it's her business) or whether to warn her what they are saying. I don't think I'm the only one he's told you see. Anyway - what would you do? I don't think I should ignore what he says. Help!

I think you should stay well out of it. If she wants to tell you about her sex life, then that’s up to her. You say her husband is lovely, but no “lovely” person would be spreading stuff like you said he told you. He sounds far from lovely to me.

If it was my ex I’d want to know what he was telling people whether it was true or not

She is your friend?
Then do what you’d want your friends to do if you were in this situation.

My foul ex tried spreading malicious rumours about me. He told people I cheated, left him for another man, was having a breakdown. All utter rubbish. Fortunately 2 of my close friends told me. I was very pleased they did. It made me feel they had my back

I would be AMAZED to hear about a woman who wanted to watch her husband having sex with someone else.

Absolutely tell your friend! Wouldn't you want her to tell you if your positions were reversed?

Thank you. She is decent and although I've known him a while and he has been lovely, I feel really uncomfortable with him disclosing stuff that is private and potentially not true. I kind of want to tell my friend but feel like I ill be stirring things and they then may never have chance of working things out. BUT Im not sure I want her to stay with a man that controls her and also says stuff like that behind her back whether it be true or not. I would like to think I have her back - I was the only friend she confided in for a long time. But I don't want to make her split more messy and difficult. But you are right - I think she needs to know.

Whether you tell her or not, he will still have been saying these things.

It's not about you deciding to tell her because you don't want her to stay with a man like this or not telling her so they can more easily work things out. That's not really your decision to make.

He is saying those things and that is what is important.

You also need to bear in mind that it, or some of it at least, might have an element of truth to it. You're her friend but you don't know what goes on behind closed doors.

And as for the pp who said they disbelieved it because they couldn't imagine a woman wanting to do these things, that doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

So I would tell her in a matter of fact way but without casting judgement or getting involved.

Oh meant to add, either way whether completely false or an element of truth, he shouldn't be sharing it in the way that he is.

You need to tell her. Even if everything he says is 100% true he's pretending to be concerned about her whilst conducting a nasty campaign against her. Such a snake needs to be exposed.

Tell her. Stbx did this to me. Its fucking awful.

Everyone thinking he was lovely, me thinking the split was amicable, everyone hearing how I was having a break down, sleeping around, having affairs etc.

Its fucking devastating. Just make sure she knows you are judging (in case its true) and that you just want her to knoe what he is saying..

I would be very suspicious of a man deciding to spill his wifes secrets to her friend. He did it for a reason. Probably to damage your view of her and then he can isolate her even more.

If anything it was probably him wanting to watch her sleep with someone else and him having the affair.
Sounds like projection if it isn't true.
Plus lovely men wouldn't divulge this. I don't doubt my abusive ex does it about me, he went to prison over what he did but I'm the bad one.