Dating site

[Joliv123]

I've been with my partner for over 13 years, we have been through a lot, at first it was great he was my perfect partner , slowly over the years things have turned more mundan , but I'm ok with that, I thought we would be together for ever, he's never had a high sex drive, but over the past 18 months had turned to non existent , I still love him although I think is lazy and is sometimes difficult to live with, he's quiet and cranky a lot , any way 3 weeks ago we argued, he moved into the spare bedroom and wouldn't talk, I found tooth whitening stuff in his room, he dies do that sort of thing , I then got suspicious and checked his email, he had set up a profile so he could view a dating website . I didn't say anything, I was so upset , anyway one night I woke up and suddenly it came to me to check match.com, he's on there with a photo from our recent holiday and a full discription , I tackled him on this he said he still wasn't sure what he wanted , was sorry I found that, he was just looking to see if anyone was interested in him , as he says I'm not, we have broken up but now he wants to talk, I am so hurt by what he has done , but devistated to loose him

Nothing to add at the moment but hand holding

Maybe he just wants a boost to his ego as feels depressed but I too would be devastated as you really don't know his intentions. Was it a freebie or did he invest and actually join. Reason I'm asking is I got really cross with my partner once and after an argument set up a free 3 day profile on match. I never went out with anyone but did get contacted but I couldn't reply as hadn't properly joined.It did make me feel more confident that people were interested but realised I was being silly and deleted it. Problem is I now get pop up ads for match and other dating sites!!

Sometimes its just depression, a feeling of hopelessness and low self worth. People need to feel some hope and maybe that someone actually finds them appealing or likes them. It isnt always about looking for another woman or looking for extra marital sex.

He's a knob

You're much better off without this kind of nonsense in your life

@Joliv123 My spidey senses are up! I might be wrong but I think he's looking elsewhere. Sorry 💐

You need to talk, so the fact he has asked to talk indicates nothing other than a need to talk. You are not obliged to listen, neither are you obliged to go in to the talk with any expectations. But it seems sensible to talk about it.

It could be depression, resignation, taking the easy option, boredom or a genuine desire to break out and meet someone new. You were in separate rooms, in those circs if be prepared to listen to what he had to say. But I'd probably find trusting him again near impossible, not because of what he has done. But because dating sites can be something that draws people in, time and again. Any little argument, or disappointment, any boredom, or rejection lures the person back to it. It's perhaps something that becomes a maladaptive way of boosting hope and self-esteem.

Thank you all il going to talk to him tonight, hear him out, I agree about trust and websites being so easy to access the trust will be very hard to build up again

@Joliv123 How did the talk go last night?

Says he's sorry , made a mistake, thought he was doing me a favour, says that he thought I wanted out. Says that it's back to when his mum left his dad when he was 16, left me to think about it, doesn't want to break up, but tbh there wasn't much in the way of talking , said what he wanted, didn't have the "energy " for a big discussion, and wanted to just draw a line under it all, I feel that we have a lot more to discuss and I want him to really go all out to win me back, I don't think that's unreasonable , or am I wrong and being over dramatic ?

He thought he was doing you a favour?! So kind of him to start cheating on you.

He doesn't want a big discussion and he isn't exactly falling over himself to apologise.

Its just going to make you miserable if you stay with him

I think I agree with you

@Joliv123 No you're not being over dramatic. He basically controlled the conversation because he doesn't want to talk. Why doesn't he want to make you feel better?

He's never been one for apologising if he's in the wrong, he doesn't do the big kiss and make up, just moved on to business as usual, I expect him to try and make things right , I would try again, I know relationships taking work, but not sure if his motives are right I have 70 per cent share in the house of he goes, he doesn't go with much to set him up