Messed, up and losing my mind

[chicken66]

Hello i'm new to this site but need some advice or something. Last year my first love contacted me via Facebook. Every thing in me was telling to leave it alone and just say hello but please leave me alone. He's married and i'm in a long term relationship. Well it's been a rollercoaster of emotions for 17 months the feelings i had for him all those years ago have somehow come flooding back. We have met twice since the first contact we have kissed but nothing more. The desire to take things further is certainly there but i can't go there as i know it would be a huge mistake. He has flip flopped with contact over this time gone from constant messages with declarations of love etc.Then just nothing and ignoring me. To telling me he loves another? It's so crazy i know. Now he has told me he will contact me if he should want to. Blocked me from social media but still not done so on his phone. I did something really stupid and text him saying i was willing to sleep with him to which he said no. I know i'm acting like a crazy person but i can't help it. I'm drinking to much just to numb the pain. I'm not sleeping or eating. What the hell is wrong with me i'm risking everything for someone who doesn't care? Where di go from here? I feel so lost and broken inside but trying to keep it together on the outside. All the while guilt is eating me up because my partner is lovely and doesn't deserve any of this. Please help me

Leave your partner so he can find someone to respect and love him better than you can. You can't say you respect him because you've kissed another man and presumably not told him and you've presumably not told him about the text that you want to sleep with another man. Regardless of it being a 'school girl crush or growing feelings your partner deserves better than you!

This guy is a complete head fuck arsehole.
I've no idea why you are so obsessed.
You already what you are doing is wrong on so many levels.
Your poor DP doesn't deserve this kind of treatment.
Could you find a counsellor to help you understand why this is having such a massive affect on you?
Do you actually love your DP?
Because if you do then you need to get a grip.
If you aren't sure then you need to end it with him and let him find someone who will truly love him.
But you need to understand what is going on with you.

This didn’t “just happen”: you chose to have an emotional affair and are feeling sorry for yourself because OM isn’t treating you well. Stop cheating on your partner and get a grip.

And stop putting OM on a pedestal and acting like you’re helpless: he sounds like a twat.

And you're not helpless either. You are making choices, you are an adult. Find a bit of dignity and self respect and ask yourself, why are you behaving so appallingly?
I don't understand why some women throw themselves at men like this...do you have low self esteem? If you do, then its time to face your problems.
I've a feeling the Freedom Programme might be a good place to start. You have to find some self regard, some self respect, some confidence in yourself urgently before you do anything else. Take care OP. You can overcome this.

Yes i know i've been appalling and a complete idiot. Seeing it in black and white so to speak has made me see i'm am behaving awful. I need to do the right thing here and tell my partner everything. I regret the whole thing and can't believe i have behaved like this. Time stop now and own up to my choices and yes it was my choice. Thank you all for being so blunt. I needed that.

Update on my original post. I came clean with my partner about everything he has left me which i totally deserve i have been appalling. He deserved so much better than what i did to him. Given we have been to hell and back in the last few years i had a cancer diagnosis which was possibly life ending almost five years ago. He was there for me along with my dc's (from my previous marriage abuse was in that relationship)been cancer free for three years. Somewhere along the way we lost something in our relationship....it's apparently quite normal in this. I no longer felt desired or wanted by my partner which left me open to being flattered by the attention of someone else. Not in any way an excuse for my choices/actions i take full responsibilty for all of it. I feel so stupid. I'm lost alone and devastated i hurt a truly fabulous man who loved me no matter what and stood by me through one of the toughest things ever. Sadly there's no going back now. The deceit, lying etc. has just been too much for my partner to overcome. Lesson learned. Truly this wasn't or is who i am. I'm now having counselling to get through this. Working on coming to terms with why i did this. I wish my now former partner nothing but happiness he deserve's that so much more than i do.

You’ve been through a lot. You had a possible life ending illness. You are probably suffering PTSD. It’s no excuse for the lies but you came clean and it’s time to stop punishing yourself. Good to hear you are getting counselling. Serious illness can knock your self esteem which is why you fell victim to flattery. Ask your counsellor to work on your self esteem with you. You deserve happiness too. You are only human and humans make mistakes. The trick is to learn from them and grow and make yourself a happy and fulfilled life. Good luck to you

Blimey 18 months ago I could have pretty much written this, cancer diagnoses and all. Had chance to sleep with him but didn't though.
I put it down to wanting to feel alive again. To him I was helhathnofury, not helhathnofury with cancer. I was the 20 yr old me that was with him, he made me smile when I hadn't done for a long time. Also dh had depression and wasn't nice or easy to live with - no excuse I know but that experience of life is short can make us selfish and grab at life.

I'm sorry you lost your relationship over this and hope you find happiness again.

Sounds almost the same as me. I to had the chance to sleep with him but didn't even though i told him i would i don't truly believe i would have done so. Feel pretty stupid and crap about the whole thing really as i believed all the rubbish OM said which now i can see was complete bollocks. Yes i was selfish so very selfish....

I think thousands of women have been where you are.The first love popping up, the butterflies, the kisses that feel familiar and electric. I think it is the fact that for a while you are teenage you again. I went further and slept with mine - and got what I deserved - teenage style sex. It was awful and it burst the bubble completely. I hope you can move forward in a positive way.

You also have to ask yourself what kind of person contacts an ex after so many years. you may have behaved in a way that wasn't good but the guy is actual scum. Plus his behaviour was incredibly manipulative.

Keep away from him even though your now single forever, the guy is bad news.

I didn't mean you will be single forever I meant keep away from him forever. What an awful typo, sorry.

Peanut I have asked myself over and over what the hell was it all about on his part? I did ask him to and never really got an answer i quite believed? Some crap about wanting to set things right( we never really broke up he just sort of vanished all those years ago). Yes i can see he has been very manipulative and as another poster has said a complete headf...k. To be fair he wasn't exactly great to me back years ago either. I'm furious with myself i didn't just tell him to get lost at first contact which my gut was telling me to do....It's cost me a great deal and he's lost nothing...

A similar thing happened to me a few months ago. I bumped into my ex unexpectedly. The connection was still there and shocked me and him. I am married(unhappily) and he is separated but has a gf. After the chance meeting he contacted me on SM and eventually propositioned me to a night in a hotel.

Thankfully I turned him down and have gone NC. It has really messed me up for a few months but I am finally moving forward now.

Although meeting him was the catalyst for me realising what a terrible marriage I have. He won't be the reason I leave.

I feel sorry for you because I know it's easy to get caught up when you are feeling unhappy and you've been through a terrible time.