Things have not been great between DP and I since the birth of DS two years ago. Possibly even before then. We went through a lot of stresses, including recurrent miscarriage, high risk pregnancy, family bereavement as well as stressful work situations (bullying) and frequent relocation for work. We used to have 'rules' for how to argue - try not to leave an argument unresolved before bed, try not to bring up past issues when arguing about current ones. Somehow we lost this. After DS was born and had significant medical issues, I felt he neglected me and essentially left me to do the difficult things, to keep everything together and he looked after himself first and minimised what I had done. When I had to return to work full-time, he didn't step up, and I found myself floored trying to do it all. Multiple tearful conversations followed where i begged him to help me, and where I repeatedly brought up the issues since DS birth. I never felt like he listened to me or was genuinely sorry - it seemed as if he only apologised to stop me talking. He also subsequently denied things happening as I remembered them. I didnt know how to deal with this and got increasingly angry and shouted and I suppose I emotionally distanced myself from him, not understanding how he could do those things/not feel bad for me feeling like this/why I was the only one doing anything about/trying to resolve it. He then also started shouting in return. We both said hurtful things to each other - the worst being when I said I couldn't live like this and we should separate. We then moved into separate rooms. He seemed indifferent to it all, but actually as my work intensity picked up, he started to ease my burden - doing the shopping, some laundry, some cleaning and taking more responsibility for DS - something I haven't properly acknowledged as it felt like I had to shout and scream for it to happen. Things between us were so bad that I cried at work and a kind colleague listened and was concerned for me. She suggested I call women's aid as she said some of his behaviour had been abusive and she was worried for me I looked up emotional abuse and I recognise a lot of the behaviours in him, but also in me - I have shouted, sworn, and name called. I feel awful about what I have done - I have been so wrapped up in how I am feeling that I haven't thought about what I could be doing to him. Things came to a head when I was looking at photos on his phone and saw an email from a friend of mine - he has met her at least once, if not more, without telling me and has been discussing our relationship problems with her (a single friend we both know has a crush on him, and he knows I am wary of as he had previously ignored me in her presence) as well as suddenly now getting some legal forms signed that I had been asking him to do for a while, but again not telling me about it. I couldn't keep this to myself so confronted him about it - he says it's just happened the once and although he doesn't think he did anything wrong and he was going to tell me (he says he didn't as I'm difficult to talk to), he eventually said he can see how I would be hurt, but then backtracked and said he didn't think he did anything wrong. I'm not sure what's right anymore - I feel betrayed that my friend and my husband would do this? She claimed in the email to be both of our friends and would reach out to me too, but hasn't and I think she's being disingenuous. I asked him how he felt, and he now tells me he has felt scared and unsafe with me always shouting, never feeling good enough, and just needed someone to talk to. His dishonesty hurts, but I believe him. And I feel awful to have made him feel like this. I have been really shortsigted. I love him, I want him to love me and I want our relationship to work but he says he doesn't know how he feels anymore. We are back in the marital bed but a long way from anything being normal. We have a counselling appointment booked soon, but in the meantime I don't know what to do - I am crying everyday. He suggested we just try and be 'normal' but I don't know how to hide my sadness.