Cluster B PD

[Losingabattle]

Hi Everyone!

NC for this but regular poster and lurker.

I’m trying to support a friend of mine who suffers with this. They are struggling with staying in stable relationships and having a stable life in general. Has a job but no secure home.
To be honest I’m struggling to cope as I seem to be the only person trying to help. What is the long term prognosis for this type of disorder? Is there any way they will ever be secure in aspects of their life?

Anyone ? :(

Are they getting professional help? Are they prepared to help themself? Or are they just offloading on you? It is entirely possible that you are the only support they have because they have exhausted everyone else but have not actually proactively tried to help themselves. There is only so much you can do as a friend to help someone with bpd if they are not proactive in trying to resolve issues caused by bpd. And i speak as someone with bpd.
I have monumentally f*cked up my life several times and lost friends along the way because i would not act on the advice/help they tried to give me. God i must have been so boring, and frustrating. I am now in a stable job with a stable relationship and stable housing. But all ths best intentions of others didn't mean a thing until i got off my arse and sought professional help, learnt my triggers etc.
Protect your own mental health first and foremost. Pass on numbers for professionals and step back.

@Thingsdogetbetter thank you for your post.

Yes they have had professional help in the last 12 months which I also was in attendance when I called the crisis team which supported them from home for a while. However this didn’t seem to help as they were later sectioned which also seems to not have helped either.
I’ve tried talking about it with them and basically they are saying bad things about themselves and saying they are useless and not really wanting to acknowledge any further.

They have family which do not seem to understand even though they have been present at meetings where it has been explained. The family have also been aware for many years as has been ongoing since early teens and had psychiatric care then also. They seem to be reluctant to have contact with my friend as see them as a nuisance.

They are talking again about suicide which has previously been attempted and I’m worried about what will happen if they try this again. They fully know their triggers and seem to just use it as an excuse rather than doing anything about it. I’m being verbally attacked when I don’t agree with something. Trying to be as patient as I can as you say I need to protect myself.

I will feel awful if I leave them to their own devices though!

Sorry to hear about your past but glad your on a good track now 💐

For suicide threats, tell them in advance that immediately they threaten this you will call the police. And do so. Do not engage further. I can assure you the threats will stop. However a high proportion of people with BPD ( if this is what the diagnose is) will eventually take their lives. You can't prevent this
As for the family seeing the person as a nuisance. With the greatest of respects you will have absolutely no idea of the hell this person has probably put them through over the years, to think of the person as a nuisance may actually be them being generous.
The latest research shows that BPD can be successfully treated with DBT. I have my doubts but that only comes from my own experiences. The person will need to be on board with any therapy and that, in itself, is quite contradictory to people with BPD ( ime) Please know that love cant 'cure'. Please look after yourself, I'd actually love to tell you to run but your choice, your life. Good luck

Oh and take a look at sites such as Out of the fog and BPD family forum. You'll find lots of similar experiences and much support.

Thanks for your comments.

So my friend is now in hospital after taking an overdose. It was me that the hospital called so I informed his family. I went to see them the day after the phone call and no family had been. The friend blamed it all on me for not being there to talk to. Is accusing me of mentally abusing them to cause this. Does anyone know if this is normal for someone with this disorder to accuse others of being abusive. I’m very upset and starting to doubt myself.

As painful as this is the crisis might be the start of recovery as they may get the help they need.

I think being blamed is part of their illness as unable/unwilling to accept responsibility.

Make sure you are getting support, the organisation MIND maybe useful.Its ok for you to withdraw if you can't handle the intensity.You have a responsibility to yourself and your family first.

Why are you being drawn into this? who is this person to you?

If I were your friend in RL (not this friend you are talking about) I would advise you to extract yourself while you still can.

You have tried to help, they have accused you of all sorts. You don't need this in your life. Nobody does.

They ARE responsible for their own decisions and actions. They can get help, support and get well whenever they want to.

Please focus your kindheartedness on someone who won't hurt you?

Thanks for replying.

I have now made it clear I need to go NC. I don’t know why I kept getting drawn in. Maybe I’m too nice for my own good. I just wanted to try and help and now I’ve been accused of being abusive I feel even worse :(

Why do you keep using 3rd plural to refer to this person?

It's hard to read.

Who is this person to you? I honestly couldn't follow your thread.

It's not that you are too nice exactly. Many people with PD's are attracted to those who they readily see have a vulnerability ( also have a google at co dependency)
I am so so relieved for you that you are getting out of this before it's too late. Please be careful and know that you'll need to go completely no contact, that's not 'low' contact or before you know it you'll be sucked in again.
The blaming is very very usual, there's lots of information you can look up in the Internet on personality disorders

Sometimes its easy to be drawn in OP. Are you lonely or vulnerable in any way (even if you're a great person!). They showed their true colours . I had a friend with Borderline and whilst she could be fun, empathic and energetic when she wanted to - if things didn't go her way she could be blaming, unpleasant and even vindictive. I just kept making excuses to not be able to see her - and she got the message. Your situation sounded a bit more "confrontation" and high stakes. I think you are wise to keep away. Its sad, but I suspect the more you try to help her, the more she'll demand and then when you can't keep up with her demands she'll start to show angry and jealous behaviour towards you. IME any boundaries you put up will be constantly pushed down. Its good you found out when you did (and good she is hospital and maybe getting some help).

Anyway, I see you've gone "NC". I think you've done the right thing.

Does your friend have bpd, or a cluster b pd? My understanding is they are 2 different things.
Cluster b personalities include anti social pd narcissistic pd histrionic and borderline. Which one do they have?

I have BPD, I live it everyday and actually I'm a decent person who struggles a lot but ultimately lives a fulfilled life, giving a lot of love to other people. I hold down a job, I own my own home.

Some people with BPD can treat others badly. That goes for the entire population. There are also some, like me who face a monumental battle with their own emotions every single day who deserve a bit more compassion and a bit less pigeon holing

@losingabattle, my ex had BPD and attempted suicide. A great deal of it was pushed onto me, and to answer your question he had periods of becoming very emotionally abusive. It was horrendous in fact. It was incredibly hurtful to watch the man I loved trying to die and then holding me responsible afterwards, accusing me of abuse when I tried to get him help. I learned I'd have to either grow a very thick skin or get off the roller-coaster ride. I got off.

Hope you are ok.

Cluster B does not necessarily mean BPD. Anti Social, Histrionic and Mumsnet favourite Narcissistic are all Cluster B too.

You are way too over involved with this person. It is not helpful for either of you.

Cognitive Analytical Therapy, Mentalisation Based Therapy, Dialectical Behavioural Therapy and Schema Therapy all have some success with personality disorder. Access to these varies wildly throughout the country and progress varies wildly depending on engagement.

Some really harsh responses on here, people with PDs vary massively just like the rest of the population. In this case it does sound like the OP is more involved than they should be, we don't know the reasons behind that, but that could equally be the case with someone with no history of mental illness. They might just be an arsehole.

I've known people with BPD who were a nightmare. One in particular would try to make everything about her and quietly manipulate the quieter members of the friendship group. But one lady is the kindest person you could hope to meet, she has her struggles but she'd do anything for anyone.

Don't write off a whole group of people because of one negative experience. You wouldn't do it because they were black or gay, yet somehow it's alright to demonise those with mental illness.

For suicide threats, tell them in advance that immediately they threaten this you will call the police. And do so. Do not engage further. I can assure you the threats will stop

Bad and downright dangerous advice. You're right that the threats will stop, because they'll stop asking for help and just go and quietly kill thsmselves.

If someone tells you they want to commit suicide they're asking for your help. If you can't be there to help them yourself (and that's understandable) then please put them in touch with a mental health professional. Do not think it is a good idea to play games with them as orange suggests, that in itself is an extremely manipulative thing to do.

Sorry for delay in replies. So it’s a male. He’s a friend I’ve known for over 10 years. Always seems to come back to me when his latest woman won’t take his shit and wants to offload his problems or take me for what he can get.

I guess I am vulnerable in a way as I’m quite a shy person generally and find it hard making friends etc although I have some really lovely ones! I like to please and obviously that’s now become at the expense of my own happiness.

It’s definitely narcissistic personality disorder that he’s got. Shows extreme signs of jealousy because of the things I have that he wants but he’s not prepared to do this for himself. He does not want to seek help anymore as he’d apparently tried the 111 service who weren’t bothered that he’d taken an overdose. He has said he doesn’t need help and is blaming everyone else for his behaviour. His other friends just think it’s attention seeking and don’t believe he has this disorder. He’s also a chronic cocaine user which he’d told me he no longer used and found out from this other friend that that isn’t the case - this does not help his problems obviously!

He is very aware of who to contact when he feels like this and that was my advise but he clearly chose to overdose himself. I will remain NC but it’s hard for me to just switch off from all of this.

Thanks for your replies

Bombardier25966 that is the exact advise I was given by mental health services, CPN as well as crisis team about the constant threats of suicide from a person with EUPD.
It is not 'playing games', it is absolutely sensible and it saved my own mental health. It is not unkind or manipulative to respond 'I hear what you are saying and I will now contact the people who are trained to deal with this'
Unless you are a Psychiatrist please do not state that what I suggested is wrong. If you have any experience with living closely with anyone with EUPD ( and I mean living with as distinct from working with) you will be aware that this same scenario can happen over and over again

Just realised your friend had NPD not EUPD

Narcissist Personality Disorder?

Its virtually untreatable.

My advice? Run.

Fast.

Never have any communication again (and they will contact you again). Change your phone number if necessary.

@Bombardier25966

Don't write off a whole group of people because of one negative experience. You wouldn't do it because they were black or gay, yet somehow it's alright to demonise those with mental illness.

Thank you, I find reading these threads utterly soul destroying sometimes. There are people behind these usernames, maybe I should just stay away from reading threads like this, I thought i might be able to help. All I've come away with is a sense that people think I'm some sort of self obsessed monster.

Some of the utter lack of compassion on this thread is pretty disturbing.

Yes, BPD can be a nightmare (it certainly is do the sufferer). For those who seem to think one can simply hop along to their GP and services will be falling over themselves to assist - that's a load of poppy. Services are free and far between and you are bloody lucky to get more than a cursory nod.