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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How would you feel...

16 replies

Carryonornot43 · 27/10/2017 17:09

We've been discussing for ages about getting a dog and are due to go and see a puppy soon. H has 2 children and I asked him not to say anything to them until we had been and met the current owners and puppies to make sure everything was ok etc. I'm sure it will lbe but this for me is a big decision and I want to make sure everything is ok prior to sharing the news and then giving the children the opportunity to go and meet the puppy. I thought was a reasonable request. Anyway today without discussion he has gone ahead and told them, choosing to conpletely ignore everything I had said to him etc. How would this make you feel?

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 27/10/2017 17:11

How old are the DC? If they are under 7 then I can see your point - I'm assuming you didn't want them to be disappointed if the puppy wasn't there for their next visit. If they are older then I think you're being a bit weird.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/10/2017 17:12

I would be very upset. You had an agreement, one which would be easy to keep, and he went back on it without discussing it with you. I'm sure he wouldn't like it if you did the same.

ElephantsandTigers · 27/10/2017 17:13

Depends whether he ignores more of your reasonable requests.

You don't want the kids to get their hopes up if it doesn't work out. Why does he want to risk hurting his children ?

Original poster
Carryonornot43 · 27/10/2017 17:19

I thought it was a very reasonable request, they don't live with us, therefore they had no idea, we could make sure everything was okay and then share the news. I can't decide whether I want to cry or shout at him, I clearly asked him not to do what he has done and he has ignored me.

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 27/10/2017 17:21

To see if what works out? You are getting a puppy and that is that.

There is no need for secrecy and your dp thought so too

BertrandRussell · 27/10/2017 17:22

Crying seems quite a strong reaction-did he agree with you about not telling them?

Original poster
Carryonornot43 · 27/10/2017 17:26

Yes he did agree, said he could understand my reasons and would tell them only after we had visited.

OP posts:
MyKingdomForBrie · 27/10/2017 17:30

His kids his problem if they’re disappointed etc. I guess he was just excited and couldn’t keep it in.

grannysmiff · 27/10/2017 17:51

But if not that puppy you would def be getting a puppy anyway right? So whys it a secret?

Original poster
Carryonornot43 · 27/10/2017 18:15

Agree it's his problem, I won't have a problem saying no, I've got no one to let down, he can deal with any disappointment. I felt really strongly about this which is why I felt I needed to ask him not to say anything now, he agreed. Waste of time explaining to him. Should have just kept my mouth shut.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 27/10/2017 18:15

Has he told you why he went against your agreement. I think his excuse will tell you a lot about how he views you.

BertrandRussell · 27/10/2017 18:33

I can't understand why it's such a big deal for you.

Original poster
Carryonornot43 · 28/10/2017 07:56

no reason given, just that he told them because he could so I'm not sure what to take from that. i reminded him of our conversation, my wishes etc. Not a lot said, not sorry, nothing. I've never asked for anything like this before, he knew how important this was for me but just doesn't seem to care

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 28/10/2017 08:08

But why was it so important to you? It seems a bit daft, frankly.......

pog100 · 28/10/2017 08:09

It seems to me that it isn't really important what this about but it is important that he totally ignored what you thought was an agreement. You are clearly livid and I can see why. To be honest it sounds to me that this isn't the first time you have been made to feel less important than him? Is it only in relation to his children or just in general. It has clearly upset you a lot. You need to communicate this and decide on consequences if he does it again. I understand your feelings.

Original poster
Carryonornot43 · 29/10/2017 15:55

Thank you pog100, think you have made me realise and identify the bigger issue. I've tried to explain this to him but he doesn't get it. H has said he will do what he wants when he wants too. I've now got to think about what I do next. I know this doesn't feel right,

OP posts:
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