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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable?

28 replies

tamboured · 25/10/2017 20:52

DP of 14mths has old female friend who he meets roughly once a fortnight for an hour or two. It used to be weekly but I struggled after seeing texts (I was shown them! But only after I questioned why he was hiding his phone) 3 months ago that implied he'd rather see her than me on one particular occasion...my birthday actually! He had double booked us.
I recognise they have a close relationship and accept this - they've supported each other through seriously hard times in the years before I knew them.
This week I suggested, instead of leaving his house and walking home to give them space for the hour, I stay but leave them alone to chat and go upstairs to have a bath and read my book. DP became irritated, told me I was weird to want to stay and stropped until I packed up and left.
It doesn't help that he's told me they used to have a sexual relationship - she's now living with her partner. He's also told me (several times) he still fancies her, she's not far off 20 years younger than him.
I totally believe nothing is going on between them at the moment but feel wrongfooted and sidelined. Am I being unreasonable to still be pissed off?

OP posts:

Greedynan · 25/10/2017 20:55

They are having an emotional affair

Mrsjohnmurphy · 25/10/2017 20:57

I don't blame you for feeling that way, some people would be fine with this, I'm not one of them, it's not a set up that would ever work for me.

Greedynan · 25/10/2017 20:57

And, no, you are not being unreasonable imo xxx

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 25/10/2017 20:59

Bin.

Angelf1sh · 25/10/2017 21:00

Not remotely unreasonable to be bothered by this - I’d have given him a total mouthful about choosing to see her instead of me on my birthday!! He must have totally forgotten it was your birthday to have managed to double book himself so I’d be annoyed about that to.

It’s fine to have opposite sex friends but this sounds more than that though, his behaviour is all round wrong. I wouldn’t be happy either.

AnyFucker · 25/10/2017 21:00

You totally believe "nothing is going on between them" ?

Oh dear

bigbluedustbin · 25/10/2017 21:00

I can see why this bothers you. Having said that, if I had to choose between a relationship and a friendship, I would choose my friend every time. I think you need to decide if you are invested enough to deal with this or if it’s best to walk away, because I doubt that your DP will want to end his friendship.

Stillpissingdown · 25/10/2017 21:05

He is in love with her.

He is emotionally attached to her in a way he isn't with you. The reason he didn't want you upstairs was because you would be the third wheel/gooseberry

Leave Him be and find someone that only has space for you in his life. Honestly this isn't 'normal'

Moanyoldcow · 25/10/2017 21:07

I have a close make friend. I'd think it bizarre if his wife or my DH was made to make themselves scarce when we catch up.

We actually socialise together with our kids because we recognise that our spouses are the priority.

YANBU - I couldn't be arsed with all that wankery.

HellonHeels · 25/10/2017 21:08

Oh dear! Definitely bin him.

Lattedrinker · 25/10/2017 21:11

I feel like, by telling you all this, he is purposely trying to make you feel insecure/jealous. Horrible behaviour and I would tell him to jog on. Sorry.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/10/2017 21:17

It's time to take the blinders off, I'm afraid.

MadBannersAndCopPorn · 25/10/2017 21:18

I, too, can see why this bothers you but it's one of those situations where you came in to the relationship knowing how close they were as friends also, knowing they'd been friends since long before you were on the scene. Tbf if I'd arranged a night in, in my own house, with a friend I'd feel a little stifled and slightly awkward knowing my dp was upstairs and feel pressured to ask them to join or pressured to cut the night short. I'm not sticking up for this person but if you're not living together, suggesting to hang around upstairs whilst your dp has a friend round seems a bit clingy (IMO).
He was a massive prick about your birthday but was happy to show you texts so doesn't seem to be hiding anything.
The biggy for me would be that they've had a sexual relationship in the past. I would struggle to deal with that and feel uneasy knowing they'd had sex with each other.
The icing on the cake is that he admits he fancies her. So he spends a good amount of time alone with a young, attractive woman who he has had sex with over spending time with his actual partner on their birthday?

lindapringle · 25/10/2017 21:21

ditch him babe xxx

Charley50 · 25/10/2017 21:22

You have to leave his house so he can meet her? Weird! Are you allowed back two hours later when she's gone? I'd just end it; it's just heartache for you.

Santawontbelong · 25/10/2017 21:22

He is still shagging his ex. Make him your ex. . But don't continue to shag him. . Gather your self respect and get rid.

bastardkitty · 25/10/2017 21:27

Wow, he has zero respect for you. Implying to her that he would prefer to be with her rather than you on your birthday is staggeringly disloyal. You've only been together 14 months. This has the makings of a lifetime of mistrust and insecurity if you choose this for yourself. You're not going to do that, are you?

beesandknees · 25/10/2017 21:57

I have no issues with my dp being friends with several of his exes.

But never in a million years would he ask me to vacate the premises so that they could visit with each other. That is bizarre.

Maybe if the friend was having a truly awful time and was embarrassed to cry in front of me, something like that?? But not as a matter of course!

It's nasty and dismissive behavior tbh, why does he need to kick you out just to spend time with her.

The stuff about wanting to see her on your birthday, also just nasty and dismissive.

Whether he's shagging her or not wouldn't even matter to me. What would matter is that he is being nasty and shitty to you. Not on. Can you not just get shut of him?

Sarahh2014 · 25/10/2017 22:02

This is crazy no way would i let my dh spend time with someone he's admitted to fancying. Op please think more of yourself and stop it or end it

LonginesPrime · 25/10/2017 23:59

Fuck that!

Just know that if you put up with this shit now, you’re giving him permission to treat you like dirt. And he will continue to do so.

LonginesPrime · 26/10/2017 00:02

DP became irritated, told me I was weird to want to stay and stropped until I packed up and left.

That is not a ‘partner’. Sorry, but you’ve got your wires crossed as to what a partner is.

PNGirl · 26/10/2017 00:21

Did she meet her partner and become serious with him before he met you? I reckon if she was single suddenly and up for it you wouldn't see him for dust.

A friend you used to regularly sleep with is an ex-girlfriend. After a year you should be his favourite person to spend time with, not her, otherwise what is the point?

Mrskeats · 26/10/2017 00:24

Come on op you don’t need us to tell you what’s going on. Hiding his phone? Saying he fancies her? Next.

MiracleCure · 26/10/2017 00:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dafspunk · 26/10/2017 00:27

Sack him off pronto.

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