Wanting to get divorced but....

[MarieAntoinettezzz]

H father is very ill and has only a few months to live.
My own father is undergoing cancer treatment.

Can I really tell H I want to separate in those circumstances?
Can I impose that on my FIL and my dad (and MIL/mum) who all need some quiet times rather than finding themselves involved in the middle of a full on acrimonious divorce?

It won't be easy at any time. What's the back story relationship wise. Why will it be acrimonious?

Of course it depends on how awful your situation with your H is, but assuming you can put up with it for a bit, I wouldn't want to add that upset to your FIL and DF for the sake of a few months.

I waited a while myself until DB's wedding was out of the way. It didn't seem right to shift the focus onto me at a time when DB and SIL were happily planning a wedding.

I thought I could put up with it. That we could be like roommates.
But I'm finding myself getting worked up. It's like Ive been fighting against something for years, and then the scales have fallen off my eyes and I just cannot accept it any more.

Background is H is PA and living back in the 1950 with very little respect or kindness for me.

Depends. If you just don't love him anymore but everythings fine then I would wait a few months. If it's bad between you two tgen go. But please try to keep the parents out of the drama, they don't need that right now.

So perhaps use these months to get your ducks in a row? Gather photocopies of anything that might be useful (bank statements, pensions, assets, salary slips etc). Go and have an initial chat with a lawyer so you have a reasonable idea of how things will pan out. If you'll need to move, start looking at how much a property will cost in that area.

You can do all that without drawing it to your H's attention. Get any letters sent to a different address - a friend's or to work. Maybe think about setting up a bank account in your own name if you don't already have one.

It's good to be prepared.

There's never a good time. Even if you wait until they pass away it'll be hard leaving while you're both grieving. Tell your husband you want a divorce but offer to keep it between you two for a few months if he thinks it'll reduce stress on fathers, if you could do that.

Yes I'm starting to get ready anyway (lawyer, documents etc...)
And yes I'm not sure this will be any easier if I'm waiting after FIL has passed away :(
Not as worried about my dad. It's very early days and his cancer is very slow growing. So I expect (or hope!) that he still has quite a few more years in front of him.

I am feeling so guilty about it all.