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Relationships

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Original poster

Photos of ex,s

17 replies

cuddly61 · 25/10/2017 17:03

I’ve been with my partner about six years .yesterday I was moving my partners photos albums just flipped through them for a start but saw photos of my partners ex’s not a lot of other ex,s but this particular one I lost count of the photos after about 50 of them ,cuddling on the sofa etc and loads of this ex by herself but obvious my partner was the one taking these photos.
This ex. Is from over twenty years ago one of the photo albums was nearly full of these photos.
I did know my partner had one or two photos or so I thought just that excuse I was given ex,s was part of his life at one stage or another.
I haven’t mentioned the amount of photos I’ve seen but I’m really upset that he would bring all these photos in my house when he moved in wit( me .but what worries me is why has he held on to them for all these years.if I mention it to him he will just come out with excuses.and I know if I said to him please get shut of them he would refuse.
So am I over reacting ? How would you deal with this ?
I have never seen so many photos of just one person

OP posts:

Whambarsarentasfizzyastheywere · 25/10/2017 17:07

I never throw photos away.

I don't think it's that big a deal really. That was a part of his life, it isn't like he wants them displayed anywhere.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 25/10/2017 17:09

I think you're over-reacting. It was 20 years ago. I have photos of all my exes - even the ones I ended up hating! They remind me of holidays/experiences/life in general. One ex I hadn't heard from in 15 years actually got in touch with me on FB recently to ask if he could have copies of one holiday we had as he'd lost his. He's happily married with 2 kids. There is nothing funny going on. Do you normally trust him?

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 25/10/2017 17:10

I still have photos of my ex. He was an abusive controlling bully, but he is part of my history and that history made me who I am. The photos aren't on display, but they exist. DH burnt his wedding album after his divorce from his first wife. I was staggered at the destruction, because he was happy at the time they were taken and I think it's quite extreme to do that.

Prictoriafeckam · 25/10/2017 17:13

I agree with wham. I have kept photos of my ex-spouse and even put a few into an album so my children can see who I was once married to. It's not all a shameful secret.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 25/10/2017 17:13

Some people keep photos, believing that they document your past and should be kept for that reason. Some people prefer to get rid of them.

Neither is suggestive that they have retained feelings for the subject of the photo; or anything untoward. It would be just as easy to argue that he destroyed all the photos because if he couldn’t be with her he didn’t want to see her than it would be to argue that he kept them because he still has feelings.

I usually keep photos. It upsets me sometimes that there are very few of my childhood - not only of me, but of things I did or people I was with - and I keep them because even after break ups or house moves or job moves or whatever; even when any sentimentality is long gone, they are part of the past. They happened.

I wouldn’t be upset by the existence of this album but if you are, talk to him. Don’t let it come between you.

WinchestersInATardis · 25/10/2017 17:17

He might not even have thought about it if they were in with other photos. Does he look at them?
I've got unnecessary photos of my exes that I haven't thrown out and have taken with when I've moved. Simply because shoving the relevant albums into a box with all my other albums was less hassle than taking the time to go through them all and separate them from photos of the same time I do want to keep.

HirplesWithHaggis · 25/10/2017 17:17

I have photos of friends, boyfriends, exes going back to the mid 70's. I've hauled them from flat to flat, moved in with the man who is now DH and have had them in every home we've had since. I paid bloody good money for processing and printing them, and I wouldn't be chucking them out for anyone.

It's a long, long time since I looked at them. And when I die, they'll probably be skipped, because they mean nothing to anyone else. But in the meantime, they're mine.

OP, if your DP were to spend an afternoon a month mooning over photos of his ex, you'd have cause to complain. But an album, stuck on a shelf somewhere? Forget it.

kimi4321 · 25/10/2017 17:20

It must felt really awful for you .Have a good chat to your man and tell him how you feel about it.Its the past so don't get to hurt or worried.If he's any good he will reassure you.

Blackcatonthesofa · 25/10/2017 17:22

I must have a zillion photo's of my ex. He was a huge part of my life. It doesn't mean that I'm not in love with my DH.

SparklingRaspberry · 25/10/2017 17:28

I keep photos

If anybody asked me to get rid of them it would be a huge no no for me.

At once upon a time she was a part of his life - 20 years ago! Whether he has the photos or not he still has the memories. If he was looking at them night after night then yes I'd say there was a problem but he isn't.

CoyoteCafe · 25/10/2017 17:29

I was with a man who flipped out about photos of my ex boyfriends, so I got rid of them. He ended up being very controlling. For me, the concern about photos was a red flag but I didn't realize it at the time.

If you don't have any other concerns, let it go.

usernameavailable · 25/10/2017 17:32

I put a thread up about this a few weeks ago. I was totally put out and asked him to throw them. Until lovely mumsnetters put me straight. It is liberating letting go of the negative feelings towards photos of exes etc. My DPs photos are in a box put away. Honestly, I don't mind. Mnetters made me realise their past is a part of them and should be embraced

elliejjtiny · 25/10/2017 17:33

I don't have any long term ex's but I think I've got a photo or 2 of a 15 year old me with one arm round my then boyfriend somewhere. They would be in an album but I wasn't that organised then. I like to keep photos, it's part of my history. My DC like to look through them sometimes and so do I. I found some old ones of me and dh when we were first going out recently, we looked so young back then.

EllaHen · 25/10/2017 17:38

I think photos remind us of a time in our lives. No way should we throw out photos because an ex is in them.

In fact, it shows us in a good light if there is no animosity with an ex.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/10/2017 19:22

You are totally overreacting, and if you demand he gets rid of them you are being controlling and unreasonable. Do you expect there to be a huge delete button that will wipe out his past because he's now with you? He has every right to hold onto old photos and keepsakes. I have a lot of stuff from old boyfriends and I would never part with it, and my husband would never ask or expect me to.

Original poster

cuddly61 · 04/01/2018 13:30

I’ve seen sense over these photos thanks to you all. But it wasn’t just about old photos of ex,s .o/h has also downloaded some of ex,s to his Facebook .imagine how I felt when his photo memory’s Facebook do popped up on my Facebook him cuddling with his ex .
Ok I can just about understand keeping old photos of ex,s but then why all these years later download them to his Facebook. Including ones of his ex before me. That’s the bit I can’t understand . And yes I did get upset the first week he moved in .he told me he hadn’t had contact with his ex since he left. Yet the first week he moved in with me before he reset his pc up he used my laptop and there he was chatting to this ex he supposedly hadn’t had contact with since he left not only that he was telling her all my private business for example how my ex abused me mentally ,I was fuming that the o/h was telling this ex all my private business. And it seemed very odd he told me he hadn’t had any contact with her since he left which was about three years previous but then the week he moves in with me he is in contact with her.
This ex and her two teenage children had used my ex for money ,my o/ h family and his friends told me. But also only last year so nearly ten years after his ex finished with him he suddenly blurted out he missed this ex,s son .i was like what???? He was only with her about three years not like it was a long relationship.if he had been with this ex since her kids was young and for a fair time yes I could had prob understood it. But also I can say anything I want about his other ex,s he doesn’t bat a eyelid but if I say anything negative about this ex he is very defensive of her. It makes me wonder why. Not that I’ve said anything to bad about his other ex,s only the ones I knew and it was my personal opinion of them.

OP posts:

Vitalogy · 04/01/2018 13:41

It's natural and understandable to feel put out by this but if you've no other concerns, I too think you need to let it go. As PP have said it's part of his history/past and always will be, photos or not.
It's an attachment/ownership we have to other humans/partners we are currently with that we need to try and let go of, I know easier said than done.

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