Mother in law problems

[GeorgieBe]

Hi,
Just wondering if anyone else has a mother in law who seems to have a problem with them. How do you deal with it? I have tried to make her feel special and included as she has accused me of not involving her to other family members even though she makes no effort with her two grandchildren. I have also tried the opposite approach of just ignoring her and anything she’s doing and nothing seems to go well. I don’t have any problems with any of the other in laws and this seems to be very much her problem which I don’t know how to fix. Any advice much appreciated thanks

Hi GeorgieB
Unfortunately I suffer the same. I have tried and tried. She visits rarely, when she does there is no debate as to when, what she says goes. I tried to ask for her to come a different time, I am ignored. Causes massive rows between me and dh. I am just trying to ignore it. Sorry, not much help but you are not alone. Even stupid things like texting random questions to me, and when I ask how things are, how are you, hope you are well she doesn't even answer.

She only ever messages me if she has tried my partner several times and had no response. She only messages himself maybe twice a year. I had a feeling I’m not alone as I know the ‘awful mother in law’ Is a thing a lot of people joke about. The problem is when it’s real it’s not a joking matter is it, as it’s very hurtful to their sons the way they behave. I just hope someone can tell me what I should be doing as I don’t have this problem with anyone else and yet if she’s goes crying to them that she’s been left out they actually feel sorry for her, she even lies about stuff.

YOU can't do anything at all to fix this.
She is a toxic nightmare and that is NOTHING to do with you.
Take a step back.
Don't try too hard.
Just get on with your life and do NOT let her get to you.
Minimal contact and ignore all the crap and the lies.

Delete her number and let your dh deal with her. .

Thanks I do genuinely feel it’s not my fault and not my problem but of course my dh loves his mom even if she is actually a mean person. I’m quite happy to have nothing to do with her but she will just appear out of the blue when it suits her and start expecting to get involved in things and expects us to play happy families to other people and pretends to other people that she sees our kids all the time. I can usually let it go but this week she has done something particularly spiteful and I just don’t know how much patience I am expected to have.

It's true, you just have to accept it. You can't change her. My mistake was expecting my mil to want to be as involved as my mum. It causes massive rows between me and dh. He does side with her.

I think most MIL's are the same.
I live with my in laws atm but they don't want me anymore because they just don't like me.
She's a crazy woman and is trying to break my marriage up. My husband is embarrassed of his mothers way because it's not normal at all.
She would send long messages to my mum telling her how disrespectful I am over really stupid silly things because I made a joke about her other son and because I leave the lights on and apparently slam the doors??
The whole family is picking on me for no reason and stressing out my mum too for no reason. She would say things like we bought with our money a rude disrespectful crazy shit to my mum. How rude can you get?? They treat me like I'm not human.
Don't know how I've managed to stay here for over 9 months.

This is all so familiar! What annoys me the most is no contact for ages from her then she expects to have a great relationship with my kids!

And also just to say I’m so sorry to hear everyone else is going through similar stuff as it feels awful and I just will never understand how or why they do this stuff and what they get out of it.

Santa I think ur right I should delete the number.

Thanks so much to everyone who said ignore/delete I really had no idea this was the best solution, and the easiest. you have saved my sanity.

After 18 years with my m'n'law the only way forward is to lower your expectations and then you are never disappointed. I keep a safe emotional distance from mine now if I can (with my husbands blessing). It's sad but it was sadder when it was making me upset and angry. Enjoy your life and spend time and energy on the people who you care about and your know care about you. You've done your best and no-one can do better than that - so give yourself permission to stop trying if you want to. Good luck.

Wow ittakes2 well done for managing 18 years, it’s so hard. It’s really hard to just ignore as she does what beelzebop was saying and has no contact for months and then out of the blue we are expected to involve and include her whenever she feels like being granny again. I do understand that not everyone can be the same but I also feel that if people don’t make any effort with their grandchildren then its unreasonable to be upset with small children when they don’t really know who they are.

You can't reason with the unreasonable. You can limit contact and talk straight to them though.