Feeling stuck in a relationship

[LoveLetLive]

I’ve NC for this. Not sure why - pride, I guess.

DP and I have been together 10 yrs. I’m on mat leave with DC1. Only 3 months in.

Over the years, our relationship has become more volatile. I would nag about household issues, argument would explode and the result would be DP shouting at me in the street and leaving me crying by myself. This would be on our way to work.

A huge argument in summer last year meant we finally talked and things got better. Half a year later, we ended up pregnant. Still a couple of occasions of arguments during pregnancy (I had been crying in the street again on my last day at work), but better than things had been.

Since DC has come along, I am a lot calmer. DP thinks he is too, but I think it’s only in response to me IYSWIM. He has still flown off the handle, banged doors and broke his phone by chucking it across the room. Today he banged at the bedroom door whilst shouting to the room I was in with DC after I didn’t congratulate him on his ‘cleaning’ (he told me he’d cleaned, I couldn’t see what he’d done as sides still dirty).

Well this isn't a good or safe relationship to be in now you have a child. What's keeping you there?

He lies to me about things. Recently it was about spending. I’m worried about money and putting lots of things on my CC. He puts money into his hobby. It’s not large amounts so I don’t mind, but he still decided to lie to me about the real spend. When questioned, he continued to lie (even after me telling him I knew otherwise - I had to actually show proof and then he was angry at me about that instead).

I’d also asked him to stop watching porn for the meantime. I have some serious hang ups about my body since DC and don’t feel comfortable being compared to porn. He agreed to cut it out, then went on the watch it. The page was left open on his phone and I saw it. I then asked him to be honest whether he’d been watching porn and he continued to lie, shouting at me for not trusting him. It wasn’t until I told him how I knew that he backed down.

Would you both be open to couples counselling? It could help tremendously.

I’m stuck because I literally have nowhere else to go and don’t know what to do. We bought a house together this year, so no equity in it at the moment. I can’t afford the mortgage on mat leave.

My DM lives close by, but a) it’s a smoker house and there are not spare bedrooms, and b) she seems to cut contact since my DC has been born - I ask her if she wants to come over for a coffee, or go out for one and she ignores my messages or makes noncommittal replies.

I don’t really have any friends except those I work with, but not close enough to live with. Even if I did return to work, I could afford childcare and rent straight away. I have no idea what to do

Would you both be open to couples counselling? It could help tremendously.

I’m not sure. Last year in our big argument, DP did something unforgivable and put his hands around my neck (before this, he had occasionally shoved me in the street but nothing so violent (I know I’m minimising)). I did forgive him though as we’d been together so long. I’d put it behind us, but the shouting this morning and banging doors made me realise that he hasn’t changed and I feel stupid for sticking with things.

He promised he would get counselling for his anger issues last year, but it never happened and when questioned about it at a later point, he said he wouldn’t do it. So I’m not convinced he would engage in any form of counselling.

Shit
Call women's aid. Strangulation is one of the biggest warning signs for domestic violence leading to serious injury or death. DO NOT go to couples counselling with him. Call women's aid and ask them to help you leave safely.

I just realised today that I’ve lost my spark. I’m alone all day with DC and up most nights. I try to see my old colleagues from time to time but I don’t have anyone I can really talk to.

I feel like I’ve lost something about myself. I used to be really strong and so sure I’d never end up in a relationship like this, but here I am and I don’t know how to get out again.

AdalindSchade I was really afraid someone was going to say that. I don’t talk about what happened because I’m scared to make that move.

He has not laid a finger on me since (it’s been over a year), and I’m sure he won’t do it again. He hasn’t hit me or thrown anything at me, and because it was an isolated occasion I thought that maybe it can be forgiven and moved on from.

I realise how I sound typing this.

It wasn't an isolated occasion though if he has thrown things etc
Violent men aren't violent all the time but once it has happened there is a very high risk of it happening again. Pretty much guaranteed, at some point down the line.

He shoves you, he's strangled you, he shouts at you, he breaks things. This is domestic violence.

You need to see it for what it is.