Divorce-the practicalities

[queencerulean]

Having found out that my h is a lying cheating bastard, we will be getting divorced. There is no coming back from this for me and I despise him for what he has done to me and the dc.

I’ve looked up on the gov.uk website so know the paperwork I need but it’s all the other stuff I just don’t know how to go about...
Do you live in the same house together until it’s sold? Then what? Buy 2 houses big enough for 3 kids?
Do I need a Solicitor?
How do you sort out childcare arrangements?
What am I entitled to financially? I gave up my career to support his and be around for the kids. I work part time but Ideally I don’t want to up my hours and affect their lives any more than they have been already. I realise I may have to though
If he’s a higher earner but we’re divorced can I claim child benefit?
How best to support the dc through this (12,10,6). They are broken.

Any advice and hand holding welcome.

Hugs & flowers, ... do you have a trusted friend or family person you can offload too right now. I imagine the stuff in front of you is seeming so BIG right now, but I think it would be good for you & your DC to just be. Just take a breath for a few days & sort out your thinking, reassure your kids as much as you can; then with -hopefully - a friend that knows UK marriage stuff more than me, go to a family solicitor or CAB for more advice. In the meantime too, get copies of birth & marriage certs, details of your home (owned, rented, & get the names of who is on these docs etc), mortgage details &/or any savings & bank a/cs. Take care, it will get better - it might be a rough time ahead with sorting stuff out, but hopefully one day you will look back on this time as a new start. :)

Really feel for you and am so sorry you and the kids are going through this.

Yes it would be worth getting a solicitor so that you can get some good advice on what you’re entitled to financially, taking into account the house, any investments, pensions etc.

Access to the children - legally the starting point it 50/50. But of course this depends on what the ExH is willing to do - for example does he want them 50% of the week? Is it practical? I don’t think you can deny him less than 50% even if you want to, nor can you make him. For example my exH moved abroad so of course this was factored in!

Ideally the two of you would agree things outside of solicitors and court, mediation is preferred.

You’ll have to see where you end up financially to see what you can afford in terms of housing, whether you’ll get child benefit or not. There are online calculators to work out what maintenance he should be giving you.

What is your current set up in regards to work and childcare?

I work PT and STBXH is FT in a job that involves early starts so it was a given that the children would remain with me.

As the children would remain with me, he moved out and l immediately started alternate weekend contact with them staying at his.

He has continued to pay the bills that he previously had but my understanding is that he doesn't have to so you may not be as fortunate.

Even if you are living in the same house you can apply for tax credits. Do that ASAP.

Get copies now of all paperwork i.e his pension, wage slips, ISA etc

Do not sign anything without agreement via your solicitor. My STBX gave me a seperation agreement that left me with nothing. Thanks to FORM E which is a financial disclosure form, l have found out what he is worth in regards to his pension.

Thanks everyone.
notsure where did he move out to? At the moment he’s staying with a friend so can’t see the kids there. My plan is to go and root through paperwork today.

Hi Op
I am almost at the same stage as you. Haven't officially split yet but it's on the cards.
I've met with a solicitor who explained all entitlements and was hit with a near £300 bill for that initial meeting! I'm hoping we will be able to remain civil about everything so solicitors bills don't rocket.
I too work PT as have kids 3 and 5 to care for so haven't a lot of money to pay big bills like that!

So sorry you are going through this. Check out the entitled to website for benefits advice - you could be entitled to Child Tax Credit.
If you want to stay in the family home can you afford the mortgage? You could apply for a Mesher order which will allow you to stay there till your youngest is 18.
He is legally allowed access to the house at any point if you jointly own the house so you can't change the locks.
Get together all the paperwork you can on income, pensions etc so you know what you are dealing with.
Are you speaking? Me and my ex thrashed out the details and passed on the info to my solicitor- he never got one and did the divorce that way.
The Wikidivorce website is good for info too.

You need to see a family solicitor for advice on your situation, every case is fact specific.

Yes, apply for child benefit immediately. Complete form CH2. If you claim CB while living with him, he will be ypyptaxed on it. Not your problem, and you need to get CB in place to access all other child related benefits, so get that done immediately.

We’re speaking through text at the moment. He’s desperate to talk face to face but right now I can’t see him without smashing his face in. He’s even bleating about counselling . If only he’d done that before fucking someone else.

It literally only happened yesterday so is still v v raw but I want to use my anger to keep the momentum going and get it sorted. I would never be able to trust him again.

Thanks for all the advice so far.

I don’t want to assume that the relationship between you and your ex will get nasty but can you just be careful with money.

For example my ExH and I had joint accounts and because he earns a lot he set up massive overdrafts without me knowing. He withdrew all of it before he left the country leaving me in mega debt.

The end of a relationship makes people behave in horrible ways so just be practical.

If you see a solicitor, make sure you are prepared. My divorce ended up costing around 4 or 5 thousand pounds in the end and I only met with mine twice. I wasn’t impressed at being charged 6 minutes as standard charge even if I was on the phone to him for 2 minutes. At £150+ per hour he made, that adds up!

But it isn't just 2 minutes for the lawyer. They have to do an attendance note, and file it. Often then log the next action in the bring forward system (Chase in a week, etc)

And they generally even out. Plenty of calls go over 6 minutes but get charged as 1 unit.

£150 Is cheap! I'm £220 plus VAT, and could justify £250+ given my experience.

Thanks for the warnings. I hope that he won’t shit on me financially but equally I never thought he’d do this so I really don’t know him anymore. I’ve just been getting copies of what I can but of course most bank statements are online nowadays so I don’t have access to his.

Firstly make it crystal clear it is over and he is to move out immediately, don't waver on this because he will try to talk you round (if he hasnt already).

4 weeks before my stbxh moved out I applied for working tax credit and child tax credits. You can get an estimate if you go to entitledto website.( It took around 5 weeks until I got my first payment).

Go to the government child maintenence calculator and see how much he should contribute for his kids. My stbxh agreed to the amount and set up a standing order to my account for that every month. If he refused he was warned I would get it through an attatchment to his earnings.

Get a recommendation for solicitors, ask around and get an appointment asap.

Good luck op, you are far too good for this arsehole and he is going to realise he cannot fuck around without consequences.

So sad to hear this. You don't deserve this at all

STBX is renting a house.

I have spent about £3000 so far in solicitor fees. That also includes filing for divorce which is £550.

We are currently 4 months in to our seperation.

What do people that can't afford those kind of fees do??

I couldn’t afford those fees Jessie but had to rely on credits cards. At one point I had 3 cards on the go but you have to be savvy and juggle things about so you pay 0% interest. It’s taken me nearly 3 years to pay it all off with careful spending and a lot of tears!

There are also specialist litigation loans.

Or good old Mum & Dad

Luckily we are in a financial position to be able to afford the fees. Of course though money will be tight now we will have 2 houses to run. Yet another thing he didn’t really think about.