In the wrong again????

[DragonNoodleCake]

This morning, DD1 woke us as she was getting ready for work and could we get DGS (new job she'll work every other Saturday and agreed) for info DD1 and DGS live with us (she is 18).
She got ready for work the DH (her stepdad of 12 years) decides he'd drive her. Then I get accused of having a face on. I'm amazed, the bus stop is top of street, gets off 2 mins walk from work and takes 25 minutes. I say why? Why can't she get bus? Why do you have to drive her everywhere.
Cue 10 minutes of him and her telling me I'm horrible, why wouldn't I want to give her a lift, I'll help everyone but her (let's not get into what we've done in the last year after unexpected arrival of DGS). Then she started saying I don't care about her I'm horrible, no one wants me around. I just said, she needs to learn more independence again. Then due to the argument DD2 cried and DH said 'that's because mum is being unreasonable'.
Now DH, DD1, DD2 and DGS have all gone in car to take DD1 to work while horrible evil mum stays at home.

Is he out of order or me??? Why would he do that in front of the children and basically show them he disrespects my views??

Yabu! He offered!

Why do you even have a problem with this?

It's hard to know based on.just this.

It could either be viewed as a nice gesture, helping her get to.work faster and more comfortably or it could be seen as keeping her dependant on you.

What's your problem with this? Is it because you do enough for her or want someone else to help with your grandson? Or because you want her to learn to become independent?

Talk with your husband when he gets back and find out each other's reasonings

YABU about the lift as he offered. If she had demanded he drive her then I'd get your point. My parent's used to always drive me places when I was that sort of age and I never asked them to and never expected it of them either.
Is it normal for your family to have bad arguments? Your DH could have handled it a bit better and not put you down in front of your daughters. Maybe you were going on at them and pushing their buttons though

Because he has been out of work 4.5 months and during that time done nothing but run round doing everything for DD1 and DGS whilst I work my butt off earning our income, looking after DD2 and doing half the house work.
I think his focus on DD1 and DGS has drastically affected his focus on the job hunting.

He offered and was happy with it. You sound like hard work.

You're punishing him for helping them out?!!!

Maybe he helps them out so much now that he's unemployed because it gives him a sense of purpose and keeps him busy. Sitting at home all day job hunting can get incredibly depressing. If he literally hasn't been applying for any jobs and just helping the kids then you definitely need to have a stern word with him though. A happy balance is needed

Fair enough you are right he offered. IABU in that case

I didn't say I was pissed. He asked what's the matter, I said no it doesn't matter and he pushed me 3 times to say what was wrong.

It was like he wanted to tell me I was horrible for not wanting him to do everything for her again.

For context she doesn't do anything independently anymore since DGS. Before that she didn't want to know us.

Can I point out I'm not punishing him at all.

They both shouted at me I'm horrible because I wanted her to start showing more independence.

I think you're right, he needs to focus on getting a job and not running round after her. Funny how she didn't want to know you before she had the baby.

Are you jealous of the relationship he has with your dd and grand child? I just can’t see why a 10 minute lift would irk you so much. Obviously you are on edge with him due to the lack of getting up and getting himself sorted in the last 4 half months on the job front but he sounds like he is trying to be a good dad and grandparent as are you trying to encourage your daughters independence. Most people before kids do drift from their parents then lean on them again once they have kids if their own that is not unusual behaviour either.

When dh is pissed off and i can tell it makes me really anxious. I would rather have it out.

You were annoyed and obviously everyone could tell. So you werent hiding it.

Yes you have a lot of pressure and are stressed. But him driving her to work isnt stopping him getting a job.

That needs dealing with seperatley, rather than getting into arguments about the small stuff.

I kind of get where he’s coming from. This is your daughter and you sound bitter and resentful towards her. Most people would be glad that their partner had taken such an active role in their step-daughters life?

Your daughter may need to grow up but don’t make actively make life harder for her?

Whatever happened they should not have spoken to you like crap!

Do you think there may be something between your husband and daughter (step dad) ?

I can understand being cross, actually. You are now adjusting your life around an unexpected child (and financially supporting them as well, I assume) and carrying the burden for a spouse who is out of work. And each of them needs to take on more responsibility.

I would feel angry and undermined that they all expect you to subsidise them but call you unreasonable for expressing your views. But I can't see any easy solution.

Seems to be your H is enabling quite a manipulative disrespectful teenage mum.
YANBU as you are having to work full time and also cope with a daughter whose has no respect for you and is happy to cause strife in your home.
She is lucky to have parents who are willing to have their whole lives disrupted by her life choices.

Are you going to punish your daughter forever for becoming a teenage mother?

You seem to be harbouring resentments and this is unhealthy.

Try to negotiate a fairer split of house duties.Having a dgs and 18 year young mum is extra workload but I think she might need lots of support to reach independence.Having a child so young will really impact her and she's not yet mature.

The next few years could be hard work BUT I think the rewards will be there when you dd is older and more settled.

I think quiet rightly too, its time your daughter became responsible for herself and her own child, your husband needs to let her do this too. Also getting a job and taking care of himself in this process, the apron strings need cutting and she needs to step up to being a mum by the sounds of it she's leaning on her step dad too much because hes a yes man. Yes she's young at 18 but at 18 I had a child a house a full time job sorted childcare out via nursery saw my parents once a week was earning growing as a person and taking care of my child that's how its meant to be