Worried for a stranger

[Agnes38]

A lady on Facebook is in a abusive relationship. She has children there.

She doesn't see what he is doing to them, she is completely in the dark. Everything she has described to me is worrying.... Very worrying!

I need you to all pull together and tell me the consequences of her children staying with this man... And her of course... She seems to be able to handle it and tell me she doesn't want to leave but as soon as I told her her children are at risk she changed the tone mildly.

I will be sending her a lengthy message with all your replies (not word for word but in my own words)

Some examples:

He shouts at the eldest and calls him a girl, then says he's just joking

Has pinned her up in the past and squared up to her.

He is trying to delete her friends of her phone and giving her ultimatums, it's them or him.

Help me tell her ☹️

I would start by asking if she has support elsewhere in real life and encouraging her to speak to them. Bombarding her from afar with comments from an anonymous forum you’ve been discussing her on feels like over stepping. You don’t want to get this wrong and make her fearful of opening up again.

Invite her to Mumsnet

Point's taken guy's. I will invite her to Mumsnet and then do what meltingmarshmallows said. Thanks guys

Yes, tell her to go on MN...

I was a child in such a family. It's had such a devastating impact. Two brothers still at home cannot live independently due to mental health issues. One is most certainly autistic ( as are two of my 4 dc). Their mental health will never get better. The mental health of my other two siblings is also precarious. We have all far from reached our potential. I live half way around the world

My mum now has early onset Alzheimer's. She is 67. I'm sure her situation was hastened by poor mental health. He constantly gaslighted her. The other day he punched her in the mouth. My brothers reported this. She won't leave him. I have s bad relationship with her, I think probably exaserpated by her Alzheimer's. It's a fucking atrocious situation. It plays regularly on my mental health.

My dad is violent. As a child I had regular reoccurring dreams that we were trying to escape from him as he was trying to kill her. I'm 46 now and only stopped having some version of that dream now about 3 years ago.

It’s all well and food signposting to MN but what she really needs are WA, the police and SC!

I.e. people who can actually physically help in RL.

Also, I know it can be really hard to watch but try not to get over invested, it’s hard for ppl to leave and it often takes a long time.

I second the advice not to get over invested. She could be 100% genuine or she could be hamming up the 'story' for attention. I'd give helpful factual advice about where she can get RL help then leave it be.

Autism isn't caused by abusive relatonships.

imp, that sounds like an awful upbringing. I hope you've found some happiness now. Sounds like you and your brothers can't help your mum out of her situation.

If the autism comment is directed to me, yes of course I know it's not caused by abusive relationships. However, an autistic child in an abusive relationship will probably suffer lots of mental health issues on top of those ordinarily endured by the children in such relationships.

Fair enough

Thanks wooster, I expect I have PTSD and I relive particularly violent moments regularly.

I'm fortunate to be happily married with 4 dc and with enough money to be comfortable. You cannot undo the past though, and the violence and cuntiness is still ongoing. It's difficult to ignore despite being half a world away. When my dad and mum die, there are still two vulnerable adults - he'll knows what's going to happen... this is the long-term affect of abusive relationships - from the selfishness of one cunt....

So pleased you are in a better place imip. I really feel for your mum and brothers - like you say one nasty, selfish cunt can ruin so many lives.