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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My STBX hates me

15 replies

EasyToEatTiger · 13/10/2017 23:19

We have had isssues with the police and again today I reported him. He is terrifying in his rages and I am making plans to move. I have asked my solicitor if I can take the children with me. My husband wants me dead and I have told him to communicate only through his solicitor and to stop saying nasty things. He is off his trolley with rage.

Is this normal? I know divorce can be difficult. I have asked him many times in the past for a divorce and he has laughed in my face, called me a coward and stupid and all sorts of horrible things.

He is under investigation by the police for domestic abuse although I expect to be told there is nothing they can do.

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TatianaLarina · 13/10/2017 23:24

Sorry to hear this. Keep reporting any death threats or threats of violence to the police. Sounds like you might need a non-mol at some point.

HighwayChile · 13/10/2017 23:47

If the police have not already imposed any conditions on him then you may be able to apply for a non molestation order through court, particularly if you feel that you are at risk of harm from him. You can apply for the order even if the police cannot charge him.

I have been there. It’s horrific and I hope you are getting good rl support Flowers

Original poster
EasyToEatTiger · 13/10/2017 23:47

The police offered to see me home. I said no, don't do that or he will try and get me arrested again. I told him I wanted a divorce. He stonewalled me and I pushed his shoulder. He called the police and told them I punched him. It never happened. I was told by the duty solicitor that an unwelcome poke can be common assault and to accept the charge so they could let me go. So that's what I did. My solicitor is very good and a domestic abuse specialist.

My husband tells me I do everything he has done to me. He really can't win on the using me as a wanking accessory. He has sexually abused me from the beginning. I thought better of him so I went along with it. I didn't get out when I could have.

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Original poster
EasyToEatTiger · 13/10/2017 23:51

My solicitor doesn't want to do that until we know what the police investigation throws up. Until then, I am trying to get along as peacefully as possible. Hard when my husband is throwing verbal vitriol around. The police told me today that if he frightens me verbally I should call 999. He will only be told off and he will use the same thing against me.

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Original poster
EasyToEatTiger · 14/10/2017 11:53

Social services have sent me a report from hell. I've handed it to my solicitor. It reads like the kind of thing my husband shouts at me. Terrifying. I've told ss that I never want to see that sw again. I am happy and willing to work with them, but really with a report containing things that simply are not true is grim beyond measure.

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BishBoshBashBop · 14/10/2017 11:56

Social services have sent me a report from hell. I've handed it to my solicitor. It reads like the kind of thing my husband shouts at me. Terrifying. I've told ss that I never want to see that sw again. I am happy and willing to work with them, but really with a report containing things that simply are not true is grim beyond measure.

What have they said that's not true.

Is it really not true or are you just not yet ready to accept it's true?

You really have no choice but to work with them.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 14/10/2017 11:59

Record everything. It builds up a pattern even if any one incident is not dealt with correctly at first.

Don't piss off SS. You'll be the one who gets hurt.

Original poster
EasyToEatTiger · 14/10/2017 15:26

I have told SS that I am happy to work with them. I told them that I am very sensitive to being given inacurate information. I felt the same terror I feel as when my husband is yelling at me. They said I had a disease which I do not have. I said to my IDVA and my solicitor after first meeting the sw that I felt profoundly dispirited and uneasy. I did not feel listened to. Frankly I am terrified.

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NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 14/10/2017 16:25

What disease did they say you have?

C0untDucku1a · 14/10/2017 16:30

Report everything. How could he possibly turn it around?

Original poster
EasyToEatTiger · 14/10/2017 23:07

I have emailed manager at SS and I will speak to her on Monday. I have been on the phone endlessly over the past couple of days to WA and I will speak to my IDVA about making a meeting with SS. I am not willing to divulge the disease SW said I had. Only that it will fuel my husband's rage against me. He has already wished me dead, called me a cunt, used me as a thing with holes, told me my children don't want me... He will use whatever information about me against me. Anything.

Yesterday the police kindly offered to see me home. I told them that if they knew that I had been speaking to them he would ramp up the abuse. They understood. There is nothing illegal with screaming at someone, whatever you like as long as you don't touch them.

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Angelf1sh · 15/10/2017 08:03

Screaming at people can be an offence in some situations. It could be a public order offence or a strict assault for example. When you say you had to accept the charge for the police to let you go, do you mean you were given a police caution? Did your solicitor explain to you what this is?

Original poster
EasyToEatTiger · 15/10/2017 10:16

Yes I was told by the duty solicitor to accept the chargeso they could give me a caution and let me go, although I had told him I didn't think it was right as I do not go round punching people, and my husband was bent on doing me harm. The memories of the evening are coming back. At the time I was too shocked and confused.
I know that I did not punch my husband. It just didn't happen. The solicitor said that an unwanted shove can be seen as common assault.
My husband is very careful not to use physical violence against me. He has punched me (really) twice in our relationship. I mean punched, not shoved or prodded.
Now he screams at me, threatens me, hides things from me, calls me dreadful names, has wished me dead, has declared his total hatred and contempt for me.
He screams that I am the one who is the problem. He condoned the attack by my daughter on me in a supermarket. He has welcomed her violence against me more than once, and has screamed as much in front of both my children.

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Original poster
EasyToEatTiger · 15/10/2017 10:22

What is Strict Assault? The police officers told me that shouting at someone doesn't constitute a crime. My husband is spectacularly manipulative. He stonewalls, sulks, uses the excuse of self-defence against percieved slights. He has always been like this. Early in our relationship he declared that he was perfectly normal to criticise me and complain about me, and that he was only defending himself. It makes life impossible. There is no room for having a point of view, of expressing feeling.

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Original poster
EasyToEatTiger · 15/10/2017 21:27

I made supper and he came in to eat it. I didn't speak, spoke to the children and scarpered as quickly as I could. That man terrifies me.

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