Stay or go?

[Blueisthenightsky]

I've been with DP for 7 years. We get along really well, kind generous, we have good conversations, sense of humour, values.

But I'm bored with how the relationship is. I want to move it on, buy a home, get a dog, maybe have kids. He says he wants those things too but he doesn't make any effort to get there unless I nag and nag and then he might for a day be on the case. It's made me confused. Does he really want those things or is he just too scared to say no or is he not really that bothered either way. I've been saying this for a few years now but nothing really changes. This stagnation in the relationship has made me really weary. I'm wondering whether I should just cut my losses and go. I'm 30 and don't want to hang around forever.

I think you should go.

I've been friends with such men. They're not really into their girlfriends and end up marrying and having children with someone else.

Sorry.

Two things.

1. are you doing anything about it?
2. is he lazy in other ways?

If he is 2) then move on and don't have kids as it doesn't bode well.

No he's not lazy in other ways. He's great in other ways. I just feel resentful and upset that this doesn't seem to change unless I mastermind and drive it all.

People don't change so unless you are happy always being the one to drive things then walk away. This won't change. If you have kids with him I bet you'll find yourself still doing the same.

Walk away

Have an open conversation with him and tell him you're thinking about leaving. It sounds like he either;

A) Wants to stay with you forever but thinks everything is fine for now

Or

B) Doesnt want to commit for the long haul

If it's the former then he will be horrified you are thinking of upping and leaving and presumably it will give him the kick up the backside he needs to take things further. Clearly if it's the later you need to get gone and find somebody you can build a future with. Good luck Op

Thank you. These responses are helping. I think it's A. But I've had so many conversations with him in the past that I think I've just become very angry and upset about it all now that he's finally coming round. I think now he finally will do something as he's started booking in viewings but it feels like things that should be big fun decisions like looking for a place have just had all the joy sucked out of them. I mean on the other hand - he does most of the cooking, laundry etc so it's not like he does nothing. Day to day he is great I'm just so tired and bored and fed up of the rut that I've been saying we're in for years. I think maybe it is time to just sack it all off and walk away. One of my friends said though don't be surprised to find it's really hard to find good generous kind decent men and I think that's true. But maybe I just accept I may be alone forever. I generally feel quite frightened and alone when I think of not being with him. But I also think it's taken 7 years and he's never been bothered about anything. He's very close to his mum and siblings and that's who's been his priority. Oh well.

I think sometimes men are happy just to plod along when they’re happy with their life rather than thinking to to the future and need a bit of a push. What happens if you say ok let’s visit a bank about a mortgage and get in contact with estate agents? Or of you were to say you want to start trying for a baby next month?
Nobody is perfect and is this is the only flaw he has and you want to spend your life with him then why not try it.

That's true and I think that's why I've stayed for so long. The thing is in the past he has gone along with things and then pulled out at the last moment, like valuations and solicitors. Also I think fundamentally when it comes down to it, it feels like he didn't care about the one thing that was most important to me and that has now made me very resentful and full of doubts and anger. I come from quite unstable background - no real close family, no family home etc etc. It's always been important to me to put down roots. And he just actively hasn't been bothered. I think now it is different and I know if I say tomorrow this is what we do he would go along with it (as long as I putin the work) but I'm not sure that's right either. But I feel like a lot of time has been wasted as it feels like the one thing most important to me he didn't want to support. I don't know if I sound whiny and whinging.

Earlier this year he said to me let's buy a house and have a baby by the end of the year. But that just seems so irresponsible the way he said it. You don't just manage to get a house like that. And why bring a baby into the situation when you haven't even stabilised yet. It makes me really angry and like he just doesn't take it seriously.

He could potter along for a good while yet.

I presume you're living together? He has his cake and is eating it and he doesn't need anything more. Life is pretty sweet from his perspective.

Would you be able to buy a small property in your own name?

Actually I got so sick of things that I moved out two years ago and rent with other people. Nothing's really changed in that he has just adjusted to that.

Is he the same age? I was with my first long term bfn around the same time and split at 30. By then we were engaged but I'd stopped feeling the same about him so couldn't go ahead and marry etc. It was a big shock to him. We both went on to settle down with different people soon after.

I think if I were you I would get the ball rolling. He's so perfect in many ways that are important (i took or granted and thought it was normal, but it's rare) so it doesn't matter if you have to take the lead in this. Arrange house viewings, think of what you'd like for your wedding etc.

Ah now I feel so torn. Maybe I just need time alone by myself.

If you moved out 2 years ago and nothing has changed, there is hardly any hope.
He's happy with the way things are and won't commit.
It would be fine if that's what you also wanted, but it's not, so, don't invest any more of your time with him.

Just because he's basically a good person doesn't mean you're not still wasting your time with him. All that will happen now is your resentment will continue to build. And if he only does things because of you nagging, he will hold that over you forever. It's time to move on and find someone who wants the same things.

I'm wondering whether maybe I should go for counselling, either alone or as a couple

Go to therapy alone. Why go as a couple? Are you really even a couple at this point? He has made his level of commitment and dedication to you crystal clear as far as I can see.

Kids and a mortgage with him? When he is so slack about even living together? You will be back here in five years after pushing to have children. Maybe you'll have a two year old and be newly pregnant and your oh or dh will be just as slack. You will get no help. You think it's bad now, stay for the ride.
Honestly, you do NOT need counselling. You just need to accept its a relationship that's run its course. It's taught you a lot. Learn from it but if in your shoes, I'd move on.

Wait you moved out in frustration, two years ago, and he has still not moved anything forward?

I'm sorry love he is just not that into you. I think you're a little bit in denial about what is going on here.

I agree, if you moving out didn't put a rocket up him, nothing will. If you stay and have kids, this slight resentment you have will magnify 2000% as he makes no decisions, does no research, buys/does/knows nothing for the child and you do everything.

I think it's rare that a relationship recovers once you have that first "should I go" thought, and mostly you end up wishing you'd just ended it at the time.