Maybe I can't do relationships

[tygr]

Is it possible that I just can’t manage to have a relationship?

Do you think some people just can’t?

I’m 40. Been seeing someone a few months. He said something yesterday that makes me think the whole thing wasn’t what I thought it was and I’m probably better off out of it.

Apart from a small fling last year where the guy wanted it to be casual and see other people so I ended it, I’ve been single for 9 years.

Beginning to think it IS me. And yes, I’m already in therapy.

I've never managed a relationship for longer than 2.5 years and I'm 32. The first bit is fun but then I get bored of the day to day drudgery and just want them to go away so I can be alone. Don't think they're for me either OP.

I posted something along those lines a couple of years ago. I dont think that there is anyone not suited to a relationship but it is much more difficult when you are older. I think it's better to just take the pressure off and focus on enjoying life. It's vanishingly unlikely that you won't have a relationship in the future, so relax and focus on getting to know what you want.

I thought this was it. I feel like I’ve been so naive.

I’m trying not to let it get to me. Keeping myself really busy. Trying not to dwell. But then when I stop with the activity, I just want to cry.

All relationships feel like this is it at the start. Some last the distance and some don't. It doesn't mean you won't meet the right one. You've many adventures ahead. You need to heal, even a short relationship takes time.

"It's vanishingly unlikely that you won't have a relationship in the future"

I don't necessarily agree with that! I know quite a few women who didn't have relationships after their 30s. Quite a few were single parents but still. It does get harder for some people.

However, I do agree its best to focus on enjoying life!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is the thing. Lots of relationships are very "meh" and it seems pointless to me to put so much energy into find Mr Right who may not even be that interesting/fun/reliable/whatever. I really do think work, friends, life, travel, etc are far more important that "a relationship". But thats just my halfpenny's worth.

I think maybe I'm talking from my own perspective and experience, but it may not be the same for everyone. I think if you want a relationship it's generally easy to come by. Not necessarily a lasting one or a great one. I've recognised now that I'm single by choice and I think it's a positive thing.

I'll go either way. At the moment I'm enjoying the peace of being single and happy. I'm 52 so no spring chicken.

I've wondered if I'm capable of a happy long term relationship. Actually I don't give a shit. Way too many sad ones I see, so single is good

What was it that he said to make you feel like this OP?

What's the point of being in a relationship if it's not great??!

I haven't been single that long but I've always been in relationships and just stayed in them even if I was miserable.

So now I'm single at 32 I'm finally feeling happy and as though I can be me. I'm worried to ever get into a relationship again as I don't want to lose my sense of self and I feel I always will with a guy.

I think it is drilled into everyone that we need to be with someone, that is how life is supposed to be lived. But I'm not sure that is true, I think as long as we are happy alone then why change it unless one day you really have the desire to.

Oakleygirl That he cant be honest with me because he fears my reaction and he wakes up every morning fearful of what messages I might have sent him (99% of the time it’s good morning etc but sometimes, like on Friday, it was I want to talk about our relationship and this is how I feel).**

I’ve been single more than I’ve been in a relationship. Totally happy in my own company and own skin but I do get lonely.

I feel much more insecure now than I do on my own though.

You sound well meaning but I’m
just wondering if it’s worth considering a little if you're intense/ anxious/ needy?

Is it worth considering if when you’ve been dating for a short period of time, you seem to overthink/ want to discuss The Relationship

Of course good communication is important but there’s a balance between communicating your needs and giving regular emotional guilt tripping along the lines of “I want you to explain how it made me feel when you didn’t do X”

It can be a bit claustrophobic, and can put me off otherwise good people (as friends and dates) ?

Most people don’t hugely change after a certain age: assuming you’re dating within your age group, unless you’re dating someone a bit weird/ desperate/controlling, the social norm for two compatible people would be to comfortably settle into a social routine without too much “discussion” .

If you need to regularly discuss The Relationship and need signs of reassurance all the time, then it seems a bit unbalanced/ like you’re fundamentally incompatible?

I would never say the words “I want you to explain/do/say ...” but I do say “I feel when you do...” and want to discuss that.

I’m not going to go into details here but basically there is a fundamental issue which might mean that we can’t be together and he needs to make some decisions. I have strong feelings for him but I can’t put my life on hold and it’s causing me a lot of stress and hurt whilst he’s deciding.

So yes, I need to know whether there’s any future because I feel I need to move on before I get even more entangled if he can’t make any commitment.

Now I'm in my late 40s and never having had a relationship last more than 2 years, I no longer believe in my "Mr Right". What I do think is that for whatever reason I am not cut out for long relationships, and I certainly don't see the appeal of cohabiting. The big plus is that I don't see this as a problem; if I date someone, good, if I'm on my own I'm not that bothered (although I miss sex). As a PP said, the first few months are exciting then it tends to become mundane.

OP, if your BF's indecisiveness over something important is causing you too much stress then I'd suggest you tell him you want to split up and if he makes whatever decision he needs to make to enable the relationship to work then maybe you can get back together. But waiting for partners to make important decisions in relationships is horrible. I've been there, had all the "I don't know if I'm going to move away. I don't know what to do" blah blah, which left me feeling really insecure and after way too long of me being understanding the bastard dumped me and moved away. Sod that. Shit or get off the pot so I know where I stand ASAP.

Op i think a few months is a bit too early to be saying things like 'I feel when you do..' it's one thing to ask someone to be considerate, it's another thing to blame them for any negative feelings.

Also, dating in your 40s IS different.

A lot of men/people in this age group will be there because they genuinely are quite happy solo so aren’t as keen to “move relationships to the living together phase.

Also a lot of the more attractive men can (and do) date younger women.

I think the people who seem to thrive dating in their 40s are quite “relaxed” about what they want in terms of relationship structure (or in terms of who they meet) and are quite emotionally “solid” easy going people.

I don’t mean disregarding things like character and respect and honesty and kindness.

but “I want a professional, sexually confident, taller than me, never been married no kids type, who wants to marry me and live together” (especially if you’ve never gone out with this type before?) is possibly unrealistic?

(Wasn’t it someone who said that if you go to a good university it’s like the best shot at connecting to the “middle class dating club” so make the most of your social time there?

I don’t think anyone should be desperate to settle down at 19 but I think it’s also harder to meet appropriate others as you get older (especially if you work in a fairly “socially closed” job)

Of the women I know who have married in this age group many of them have ended up significantly financially and practically worse off in terms of having to support step kids or tolerate a “weird” partner/situation (eg someone who is “in love and happily married” to a farmer as long as she puts in 40 hours farmwork and cooks dinner on top of her full time managerial job - the farm business will be passed to his children when he dies )

things like having more assets and children means more sensible people are reticent to commit (rightly so) because of the financial risk involved ?

If a few months is too early to be setting appropriate boundaries then when does that happen? After 6 months? After a year? Surely you start as you mean to go on as that’s the only way we’ll discover if we’re compatible.

Next year it will be 20 years since I graduated from Cambridge. Darn it. Totally missed the middle or even upper class dating pool there then

He’s been in touch - he’s got some big personal things going on so I’m being supportive whilst he’s dealing with them. We’ll leave the deep and meaningfuls for next month then...