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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

"Are you ok?"

10 replies

Notadacrefan · 05/10/2017 12:46

This phrase really winds me up.
I don't mean in a daily social context, or when one is looking sad and a friend/relative asks it.

It's when someone knows you're not ok, and then they say, "Are you ok?"

It leaves me feeling I'm trapped with having to be fine.

I'm sure that's not the motive behind the question, but I'm trying to get another perspective on it, because it's driving me nuts.

OP posts:

Notreallyarsed · 05/10/2017 12:48

It depends on who is asking, if it’s someone who cares and would listen and be supportive if you said “actually no, I’m not ok. Not at all.” then that’s good.

If it’s someone who knows you’re not and is trying to pressure you into responding that you’re fine, yeah I can see how that would piss you off.

Original poster

Notadacrefan · 05/10/2017 12:57

It's the latter. It's asked lovingly, and i think they are trying to show they care, but what answer is expected half an hour after I've told them I'm feeling desperately unhappy? Or on a significant anniversary of a death?

I just don't get it.

OP posts:

FeralBeryl · 05/10/2017 13:07

I saw this yesterday and goodness it had me nodding away with it.

redexpat · 05/10/2017 13:10

Omg dh just used to whine are you ok sweety at me and it just wound me up. He would ask several times in a short space of time regardless of how Id answered. One time I replied what information are you hoping to gain from asking that question? He said well i want to know if theres anything i can do to make it better. Right, so ask me that question instead! You could reply with the same question, or why do you ask? It might get the discussion going in a more constructive direction.

Notreallyarsed · 05/10/2017 14:10

I’m sorry you had such insensitivity to deal with on a difficult day OP. My mum died in June and constantly trying to chivvy me into cheering up or saying I was ok made me want to scream.

ShatnersWig · 05/10/2017 14:14

I hear you OP. I had a bereavement recently and my best friend has seen me three times at something we're doing together. I'm coping with doing what I need to do but the rest of the time I am sat off to the side just keeping myself to myself because I am not all right and I'm not really speaking to anyone. She KNOWS I am not OK. Because that's not my normal behaviour and she's seen me like this before when something is really not great with me. Yet I've had two texts asking "are you OK?" or "how are you doing?" It's fucking obvious I am not OK and that I'm not doing well. How about you actually come and fucking SPEAK to me or just sit next to me and not talk to me and just BE THERE??

Ohyesiam · 05/10/2017 14:44

My oh did this when we went through a bad patch. It always felt like the sub text was
" you are not being how I'd like you to be, please improve on that now".

Other versions were " why is the ...washing still on the line/ cat not been fed/ hoover in the middle of the floor" etc, which always meant " I don't like that.... The cat hasn't been fed " etc.
It really wound me up. I really wanted him to ask the question he wanted answering, of Just say it when he didn't like something.

Now things are better between us these don't seen to come up so much. He is able to be more direct, and less offer of with small things.

Hotpinkangel19 · 05/10/2017 16:55

It’s so difficult isn’t it? My mum passed away in June and my dad passed away in August - lost both parents in the space of 11 weeks. People keep asking if I’m okay.... and saying sorry - I have no idea what to reply without being brutally honest and making the whole conversation awkward!!

Shayelle · 05/10/2017 17:44

Nothing pisses me off more than this brainless question!! Ha!!

SendintheArdwolves · 05/10/2017 20:09

One of my close friends is having a rough time and I ask "are you ok?" and "how are you doing?" all the time! Oh dear.

I suppose what I mean by it is "I have know that you are suffering at the moment and I want to give you an opportunity to talk to me if you'd like to. If on the other hand, you don't feel like talking, you can just say "Yep, I'm fine" and we will talk about other things. So I will regularly keep giving you these openings to let you know that I know your pain is ongoing and that I would like you to talk about it with me if you would like to."

Perhaps I am reacting against my mother, whose idea of being supportive is saying "you know you can always talk to me if you want to" in the tone of voice that implies "please don't ever talk to me about anything difficult but also please pretend that this is your choice"

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