Is it cheating or just disrespectful if there's no contact? Feeling mixed up

[lilathewerewolf]

My partner has always been very anti cheating and has repeatedly said he couldn't forgive it bc it happened in his last relationship. I recently found out he was following several raunchy accounts on instagram and liking pics of women with no clothes on or in their lingerie. Some of them are cam girls :/ to me this feels like hypocrisy on a huge scale and I don't knkw how I feel about him, I don't think it's cheating but it's destroyed who I've thought he was in my head. What are your thoughts?

We've had a row about his liking things like that before and he said he'd delete it, for more context. I'm fuming but I also feel sick, I threw my entire previous life away for this man and now he's not who he said he was.

I'm a bit on the fence. But ask him whether he would be ok with you liking photos of nude male celebrities etc

Personally it wouldn't bother me but it all comes down to what's acceptable in the frame of your relationship.

Like pp said it depends on what is acceptable in your relationship.

You don't see it as cheating, I'm guessing he doesn't either, so on the basis of cheating, it doesn't seem hypocrisy. I personally would view it as cheating but I'm not in your relationship.

I think I'd also be concerned that he thought women in a state of undress or vulnerability is just entertainment. I would be concerned that he thought it ok for some women to work in the sex industry. I wonder if he would appreciate you earning your money being a cam girl? Probably not. I suspect most men know only too well that the sex industry dehumanises and reduces women to commodities. Most unfortunately, whilst knowing this, either ignore this exploitation or even get a kick out of knowing it. So yes, if I found DP doing this, he wouldn't be the man I hope he is, the man he would have me think he is, and a man I'd have a relationship with.

I think if we were both ok with it and he'd be cool with me doing the same it would be different but the fact is it's one law for him and a different one for me, I've been accused of flirting or perving over other people while we're out but secretly he's liking cam girl's tits online. I don't know if I'm overreacting but I feel devastated.

Repeatedly going on about being anti-cheating/never forgiving it is a bit of a red flag, imho. Say it once, ok (although my dh and have never had that conversation in 27 years).

One rule for him, another rule for you is definitely a red flag.

Accusing you of behaviors is assigning behaviors to you regardless of whether you do them or not. This is shoving you into the template of his narrative, which, from what you have written, may include him cheating then blaming you because of your previously assigned behaviors (whether you did them or not). BIG red flag.

I feel devastated
Please trust this. Do not minimize your feelings. Do not second guess that stabbed in the heart feeling. You have your own boundaries. You can not make him respect your boundaries. This fact is a two way street. He can not make you respect his need for his raunchy titty fix. This is deal breaker territory.

Claim incompatibility and move on.

Does he have a very poor opinion of women? Seems he probably does. He thinks women cheat and women put themselves on-line to solicit men to like their tits. He probably thinks it's up to him to police your relationship and fedelity whilst simultaneously being bewitched into looking at porn. He's done it twice, he's lied and the narrative in his head is "I can't help it" bin, you can do better.

AndTheBandPlayedOn has it spot on.

You are definitely not over reacting. Red flags all over the place. I'd bin him off now, you deserve better.

"I threw my entire previous life away for this man"

What do you mean by that? Did you relocate? Give up or change jobs? Move far away from family and friends?

"it's one law for him and a different one for me, I've been accused of flirting or perving over other people while we're out but secretly he's liking cam girl's tits online."

In other words, he can do what he wants, but he sees you as a possession.

Both of these things are red flags, particularly in combination. He does not see you as an equal. He expects you to make sacrifices for him and "behave yourself" in order to appease his feelings and his sense of ownership. Meanwhile he would never do the same for you.

Does he do any of the things on this list?
liveboldandbloom.com/11/relationships/signs-of-emotional-abuse

I just did a quick search and I see that this is the third thread you've started about the relationship in the last week. I suggest you stick to one thread as you'll get better advice when people know the whole picture.

I think you've made a huge mistake moving in with him, and you know it.

It's not cheating but it's pretty classless. I'd struggle to respect anyone, male or female, friend, partner, relative who regularly followed or shared provocative picture types.
What do you mean you threw your life away?

Sorry i should have just made one thread but I kept having new thoughts and questions. Will keep it on here.

No need to apologise!
Have you looked at the link I shared by any chance? I have a feeling you might be surprised when you read it.

<a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=pairedlife.com/dating/are-you-dating-a-loser&ved=0ahUKEwiS1NqasL7WAhWGtRQKHUh9Ct4QFggfMAE&usg=AFQjCNEe1CvNJoI9gbJSLKq1vN3O_ZnPOQ" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">another link for you

No he doesn't do the other things on the list, apart from withdrawing sometimes when he's annoyed and being nitpicky and can be moody which I find really tiring.

So he doesn't do anything on the list... apart from at least three things on the list?!

The only acceptable number is none.

But it sounds as if you've decided his shitty behaviour is acceptable. You've fallen into the trap of minimising it.

For some reason you don't think you deserve better treatment, or maybe you don't believe you will meet someone who treats you better.

You do realise that anything from the list is a no-no, don't you ?

My partner has always been very anti cheating and has repeatedly said he couldn't forgive it bc it happened in his last relationship

I've heard this from so many guys who've then gone on to cheat on their partners, my last ex included. It means nothing.

Some things that people do, are red flags - that is, they may or may not be indicative of an issue, but they're a sign that they might be - so watch out.

Other things go beyond being warnings - they're simply unacceptable behaviour already in action. Him accusing you of flirting with and perving over other guys when out? That right there is unacceptable. That is not a red flag warning. That is actual real live disrespectful and frankly shitty behaviour.

Added to everything else you've posted on all your threads... please don't feel you have to see this through just because you're moving together. That's an awful reason to stay with someone who is treating you so shittily.

The litmus test is if you can be open and honest with your partner about your actions.

If you can't, why?

I thought most humans get moody or withdrawn when they're upset/angry, Male or female. We're not robots? If they can't learn to control their feelings then that's up to them but what are we saying, that everyone who gets withdrawn when they're angry is an emotional abuser now?

I've had about 6 serious boyfriends (including 3 I've lived with, a marriage and a fiancé) and about 12 more short term - not causal, just didn't go the distance.
Of course I have seen boyfriends angry or upset. But not one single one has ever taken their mood out on me.

That EA quiz is a selling tool for a 'private course'. I doubt there's any way you can honestly answer which would not lead to the suggestion that you need to sign up straight away!

That's a separate issue from your OH's issues though, there's a clear conflict between the type of man he claims to be the man his actions show him to be.

I would be very upset too OP.

Honestly? I'd get rid...