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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help! Husband says he's moving back in house

27 replies

mrsplopper · 23/09/2017 19:02

We separated nearly 3 months ago, after lots of problems, ending in me catching him on dating sites.
He's in the military so living in accommodation at the camp.
Today he's been round, to drop son off after football match, said he's moving back in the house tomorrow, wether I like it or not!
As he doesn't see why he should move out, that I should!
I hate him so much.
Is there anything I can do?
All we do is row, it's really not fair on my 12 year old son.
I think I will end up having to move out to get away from him. But would I get help with rent, whilst owning a property? I work 21 hrs a week, minimum wage x

OP posts:
OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 23/09/2017 19:09

Whose house is it? If it's yours change the locks, inform non emergency number. If you are in danger of violence tell them too.

Viviennemary · 23/09/2017 19:14

Is the house rented or bought. And who owns it. Not sure if changing the locks is legal. I think another thread said it wasn't. You need legal advice. Try Citizens Advice Bureau. They will point you in the right direction. Don't move out till you've seen somebody for legal advice. Sit tight.

RunningOutOfCharge · 23/09/2017 19:14

Speak to Army welfare..... they can sort it quite easily

Original poster
mrsplopper · 23/09/2017 19:47

It's a joint mortgage so he's saying there's nothing I can do.
He's in the RAF, I did threaten to get in touch with them (although I have no idea who it would be?)
He said go ahead. They won't do anything.
He has been violent in the past, now he's just emotionally and verbally abusive.
Hence why he's saying this, because he needs to get his own way 😢

OP posts:
greendale17 · 23/09/2017 19:51

As it is a joint house you cannot deny him entry

OohLookASquirrel · 23/09/2017 19:51

My ex was Army and after I caught him out, I went to his CO. He was severely reprimanded and nearly got booted out. Armed forces take a very dim view of infidelity as it's built on Christian values. I don't know the airforce equivalent of a CO but you could contact your welfare centre and they should be able to help you.

Good luck and don't let the bastard grind you down! Flowers

Wishingandwaiting · 23/09/2017 19:55

He never ever never ever never would be "booted out" because of infidelity. Ever.

However if he is being / has been violent towards you, then that could be a crime, and that would be grounds for being booted out.

Speak with welfare office. They will help.

Original poster
mrsplopper · 23/09/2017 19:57

I hate him so much, he thinks he can and has walked over me for the last 15 years.
I've just had enough after catching him on Tinder and POF!
He doesn't like it, that I've made him move out, says I'm over reacting!!!
Trouble is I've never had anything to do with the military as we've never lived on the base, so I'm clueless about what help I could get. Also no family to rely on x

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsplopper · 23/09/2017 20:12

He has been violent in the past, I only ever rang the police once.
He made me feel guilty for calling them.
However it must of scared him, as he's now abusive in other ways 😕
He doesn't care if our son sees and hears it either x

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 23/09/2017 20:17

OP you know that it's not just physical abuse that is against the law, coercion and control or emotional abuse is too. You can still ring the police if you are scared of him moving back in.

SandyY2K · 23/09/2017 21:07

Any plans to divorce him?

Fishface77 · 23/09/2017 22:49

Call woman's aid.
Call his commanding officer.
Call the local police domestic violence unit.

Original poster
mrsplopper · 24/09/2017 00:57

Yes I do want to divorce him, however I have no money at the moment.
I've only started my job a couple of months ago, part time.
He earns 10 times my wage, he's being as obstinate as he can, saying he's not spending a penny at solicitors etc.
Not like I can afford to chase him through the courts, to make him move out, sell the house etc?
It's all going to be a nightmare by the looks of it x

OP posts:
Desmondo2016 · 24/09/2017 01:01

You need to start by calling woman's aid. I'm no expert but I believe if you are the victim of physical abuse, even historical, you will be able to call at least some shots where the house is concerned.

WellWhoKnew · 24/09/2017 01:03

Are you in the UK? If so, call Women's Aid.

www.womensaid.org.uk

If there's a risk of violence, OR emotional abuse in front of your child, you may meet the criteria for an occupation order. This removes him from the house for a period, usually a year.

You will be eligible for reduced fee for a court application. You can represent yourself in court but WA are usually really helpful at talking you through it.

Good luck.

PyongyangKipperbang · 24/09/2017 02:48

www.raf.mod.uk/community/support/domestic-abuse/

There is an out of hours number that you could call first thing to get help.

Please do call them x

PyongyangKipperbang · 24/09/2017 02:49

And dont worry that you only called the police once, once is enough. There will be a record of it

Ttbb · 24/09/2017 03:09

Change the locks and file for divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. You will get the house.

PyongyangKipperbang · 24/09/2017 03:16

Change the locks and file for divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. You will get the house.

Where to start.........

a) he part owns the house, the OP is not allowed to change the locks and keep him out anymore than he would be to her
b) divorce costs money that the OP has already said she doesnt have
c) At best she will get the equity awarded to her in exchange for not claiming on his pension and the right to take out a mortgage in her own name for the rest which she will have to pay with no assistance from him.

Hmm
Original poster
mrsplopper · 24/09/2017 09:39

He threatened to move back in, in July as well.
I rang 101, because I was so upset, he really stresses me out and always leaves me in tears every time he comes round. He's so vile.
The police weren't very friendly to me, made me feel like I was wasting their time, they didn't visit, just rang me back.
Although they did go and have a word with him. It seemed to work, up until now.
Although my ex says they told him I can't stop him entering the house.
What scared me was they asked me a set of questions and said they were putting my son on some kind of safe guarding list?
I just want to sort everything out as amicably as possible, I don't want my son, in danger of being taken away from me or anything like that.
We are fine as long as he stays away

OP posts:
Isetan · 24/09/2017 10:29

Amicable isn't a nice dream but a very unrealistic one, so you need to let that go. If you want to free of this man you're going to have to fight.

You need to get as much advice as you possibly can and Womens Aid is a good start. It sounds like his career is where your leverage is, as in he will not want his behaviour towards you impacting on his career but to make the most of that leverage you need advice and support because empty threats only further undermine your position. In addition the safeguarding questions were aimed at assessing the impact of your relationship on your son and their interest, as is yours, would have been about protecting your son and taking him away from you in the situation you describe wouldn't be in his best interests.

OurMiracle1106 · 24/09/2017 10:36

Right ok. First of all ring woman's aid. If your on a low income you may be eligible for legal aid to get a divorce as there's domestic violence.

Original poster
mrsplopper · 24/09/2017 11:04

Thank you for all your advice.
I have messaged him (that seems to be the only way we can talk)
I've told him everything is going to spiral out of control if he carries on with his threats.
I really feel ill from all the stress.
I also sent him the link of the abuse page at mod.
It seems to of worked, he's said fine, he will leave me alone, that I'll have to pay all the bills.
Which is fine, although I will have to put a claim in for Tax credits. Which I would of done back when he left but he told me not to.
He's also said I owe him the bill money from when he left! I've said no way!!

OP posts:
Wishingandwaiting · 24/09/2017 12:53

Ttbb

Utter nonsense

Ignore this poster OP

Notears · 24/09/2017 13:11

I wish people wouldn't give such ridiculous advice eg change the locks, you will get the house...

People told me the same when I was in a similar situation to you op.
In my case he did move back in and it got out of hand. If he stays away that would be better for you but definitely start collecting evidence in case it gets nasty and make plans to divorce so you can finalise the finances.