Step Children Blues

[AMBMUM]

I've recently married for the second time to the man I've been waiting for all my life 😊 however there is a situation which is causing us some difficulties. I have 3 adult children and 2 of them live with us. They have returned home from university and although they have jobs now they are not well paid and therefore they cannot afford to live independently. To cut a very long story short my DH is finding this situation very frustrating and is now constantly complaining about any mess they make, money they spend on inappropriate things (in his opinion) and food that they eat that we have bought for ourselves. Last night we had a blazing row 😔 over someone taking a bottle of coke from the fridge!! I'm at my wits end. I love them all but I'm not sure how to handle 3 grown men without showing favouritism....any advise would be very much appreciated - thank you

Oh my we had the same discussion with my husband Sunday. He acknowledged that he feels a bit jealous and put out when my kids are with us all the time. Blended families for ya

Thanks Pingu

Think your dh has to put up with it. Its an adjustment but surely he knew he was marrying someone with dc. My dc are home from college this summer and even for me , their dm, its an adjustment as they do make more mess and eat more but its life. If they get a hint he resents them there will be trouble accepting him. My dh and l try to get out more, eat out, go for walks as we have got used to our own space but we do enjoy the dc being here too. He needs to get over it, in other words and watch how he relates to them.

I just feel like walking out and leaving them to their own devices.....but I'd end up worrying myself stupid

I would go and stay with a friend for a week, let them get on with it. Tell them to call you when they have all grown up. Hope you manage to sort it OP x

Everyone needs to meet in the middle. Your DH doesn't need to go apeshit over a bottle of Coke but I suspect it was just the catalyst. At the same time, would your DC help themselves freely to stuff in other people's house? Whether people like it or not this situation is more akin to a housemate than family home due to being a fairly recent marriage so a little more respect of others and their stuff is required

Sounds a good plan thank you I'm going on holiday on Saturday so maybe DS's will miss us and either clean up their act or decide it's nicer without us around and be looking for somewhere to live cheaply 😉

Ha, the joy of adult children!

We have 2 currently with us, my ds and step ds. Yes, they make a bloody mess, eat everything in sight, have no money, but it's fun and lovely having them around even though they drive us nuts! They are both highly entertaining and interesting to talk to at the same time.

I think your dh sounds like a grump, and needs to lighten up a bit. A bottle of wine isn't much. I once made a cake, went out to let it cool do l could ice it. The greedy buggers had eaten it before l got home. But it was just funny.

Your dh is the problem not your ds's

Yes good point thank you...respect is definitely needed 😊😊

Yes good point thank you...respect is definitely needed 😊😊

If both your children are working could they afford to live with each other? Your dh is probably just feeling the strain about having the house so full. But an argument over cola is ridiculous! He needs to lighten up as someone else said. Your kids were there first.

Ridiculous. He wants them to behave like guests in their own home.

Yeah, l agree with that, he is expecting them to behave like guests in their own home.

You need to speak to your dh, not your ds. If they pay board then they are entitled to drink what they want. We hide stuff we want from ours. It must be quite tough on your dc being forced to live with this and not being able to move out.

I think your dcs should clear up after themselves.
Do they pay board?
If not the car they should be buying their own food and drinks.
If they do then ask them what food/drinks they like and agree to provide that for them.
Adult children are hard work and your dh needs to acknowledge that.

There is probably fault on both sides.
They have probably reverted to Kevin the teenager mentality so feel quite entitled to eat/drink any thing they fancy and probably also don't feel they should tidy up/wash up/fo laundry (apologies if they do)
You love them so put up with this behaviour but your dh dies not and perhaps he is less inclined to forgive their teenage attitudes and feels if they are adults they should behave like it and should also respect you more.
Do they pay any rent or housekeeping?
If they do they may feel they are entitled to take food etc as they have paid for it and your dhs comments about them spending money is none of his business ( possibly he might feel they should be saving to move out)
However if they don't pay then he has more of a point particularly if they are helping themselves to the treats he's paying for and he can see them spending (wasting) money that they should be contributing to their keep.
They need to pay a fair contribution, and respect the household do their fair share if chores and clean and tidy/do their laundry etc.

Thank you all for your help and advice....must jyst point out that my DH is not a horrible man he is very kind gentle and generous. My DS's are also great guys.... I am also nice lol!! I just wanted some advice to see if things could be sorted amicably so we don't have a row over a bottle of coke again😕😕

It's a tricky one and I really do sympathise with you. When my hubby and me got together, I found it a huge adjustment living with him and his two children (who he had custody of). I had very similar complaints - the constant mess, eating everything in sight, then sleeping in and then spending all day on the sofa whilst I was at work, but what I found most difficult of all, was never feeling like I got any 'alone' time with my husband. They were only young at the time when I moved in - about 12/13 and my step-daughter was particularly problematic. She really wanted her dad to treat her more like a wife than a daughter, and could be quite intense at times. She still asks to be tucked in at 15! I kept my own house on for a few years before moving in full time, as I really needed my own space (and a clean and tidy house) at times. It really was a difficult few years and took lots of patience and compromise from all. We always got on, but there was underlying strain - I'm pleased to say that now they're older and more independent, I enjoy my relationship with them a lot more. Now they are adults with jobs, do your children pay board/towards housekeeping? Do they contribute anything towards grocery shopping? Do they help with chores? I think you need to explain to them they aren't living in student accommodation anymore and need to start contributing. My step children moved out for uni and have not yet came back - if they did, once they had jobs, we would charge board (to give them experience of budgeting) which we would then put away and give them in a lump sum towards a house deposit when they decided to move out again. They would also be expected to help tidy up the house too. Do they spend any time over their dads? Could you make it a consistent time each week so you and hubby get a guaranteed date night? I know this hasn't been the most helpful post, but I just wanted you to know you're not alone - it's a massive lifestyle choice marrying someone with children.

Did your new husband move in with you?

I was thinking they should get a flatshare together.... But I'm sure living with you guys is way cheaper for them.

Even with my own DC, it can be a bit irritating when you reach for that chilled sprite zero and it's gone.

Do you think a family meeting would be a good idea?

@Berthatydfil I think what you have said is spot on (from the perspective of a step mum who married a man with kids who lived with us )

I don't think it sounds like he is expecting them to behave like guests in their own home otherwise he'd be happy clearing up after them!

I think you and your DH need to come up with some very basic ground rules and agree what you are both happy with and communicate this to DSs. It may be their home too but you are making a longer term home together and need to call the shots to a degree.

He's probably (rightly) terrified of the thought of them getting comfortable, spending all they earn and never moving out so he has a point. My response would be different if it was just the university holidays.

Family meeting? Sit round a table and agree ground rules. But also agree some fun stuff to do together.

They're adults. Get everyone to talk it out and start communicating.

Thank you...lots of great tips and advice 😊