Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Comment about Divorce from SIL

25 replies

sunshiney78 · 19/08/2017 20:19

Have just started divorce process after finding out that DH was on Tinder. Was visiting at my brother's this evening and SIL was asking probing questions about divorce & giving "sage" advice saying things like "Well you were both brave enough to separate and that's given him space to decide what he wanted" (?) I said "I didn't have a choice, he was on Tinder" to which she replied "Well, you have to ask yourself, why did he do it in the first place" !!
AIBU, or was that a mean thing to say? I did tell her that there is no acceptable reason for him to have been on Tinder. Left crying because I was too upset to carry on with the evening, but not sure if I was being an oversensitive nutter.

OP posts:

Fudgit · 19/08/2017 20:21

Yes, that was a horrible comment she made, and you're absolutely right that there's no valid reason for him to be on Tinder. Sorry you're going through such a tough time.

Penfold007 · 19/08/2017 20:23

What did your DB say? Your SIL was very, very rude.

Trb17 · 19/08/2017 20:24

Yes she's a grade A bitch. Bet her DH is on Tinder living with her

AmysTiara · 19/08/2017 20:25

She was very rude. Please don't let her get to you.

Original poster

sunshiney78 · 19/08/2017 20:25

DB spoke to me afterwards & said she probably meant it as "what must the matter with him be, to have done such a thing" Whatevs.

OP posts:

TheGirlWhoWasntThere · 19/08/2017 20:26

You were absolutely not being over sensitive at all. Your SIL was being a complete cow. She needs to learn to think before she opens her mouth.

I'm so sorry you are going through such a horrible time.

Mrscropley · 19/08/2017 20:27

Also be betting her dh is on there. .

Bluerose27 · 19/08/2017 20:27

She's a mean bitch

FizzyGreenWater · 19/08/2017 20:28

You did the right thing - crying and leaving. I'd have reacted the same way!! Might make her think twice about saying something so bloody insensitive. Glad you didn't hide your feelings, she knows now that she's really upset someone and GOOD.

SerendipityFelix · 19/08/2017 20:31

Seeing as her DH is OP's brother, let's not wish that he is a cheating scumbag as well.

Coming out with a comment like that, she's a shit-stirring idiot, ignore. You're not over sensitive at all. She was essentially blaming you for your STBXH's infidelity which is ridiculous. Your answer was absolutely spot on, and it's completely understandable that you would find the whole thing very upsetting and be on a emotional knife-edge at the moment.

If I were you I'd not want to spend any time with her for a long long while.

Is your DB aware of what she said? Did he not defend you?

LilyMcClellan · 19/08/2017 20:36

Whatever she may have meant, what came out was extremely rude.

She's implying that if things weren't good at home that it's understandable that your DH started testing the waters elsewhere.

Whereas the reality is that if things weren't good at home, the appropriate way to deal with it is to try to fix it, and if it can't be fixed, leave.

People who have affairs or look outside marriages that they find unsatisfactory are just cowards.

Dina1234 · 19/08/2017 20:38

No, your sil was being an unprincipled cow. A good man wouldn't even consider an affair even if his wife was wider than their house and hadn't so much as slept in the same bed Ashoka for five years. If you want to sleep with other people you tell your spouse like a big boy.

Original poster

sunshiney78 · 19/08/2017 20:43

And of course I do bloody wonder what I did to contribute to the situation (in my dark moments, when I'm having a wobble).
The first comment she made ("well, he's had the space to decide what he wanted") was in response to me telling her that STBXH has moved on

OP posts:

ofudginghell · 19/08/2017 20:55

When your feeling stronger op and you see her or have contact with her bring it up. I would.
Ask her if she meant to be so rude the other day?
Watch her squirm
And tell her how lucky she is that your brother is cut front the same moral cloth as you are and that hopefully she will never have to be made to feel the way your ex has made you feel.

Failing that tell her "off you fuck love until you can apologise for being such an absolute wanker "

Seriously though op I'm sorry you've had to listen to an insensitive prick at a time when you need support xx

thestamp · 19/08/2017 21:00

She is intimidated by the fact that you are braver and more decisive than she'd be in the same situation.

She wants you back in your box so that she can console herself that she isn't as much of a cowardly wretch as she suspects she is.

My sister was like this when I left my ex. Not as brazen, but talked about me behind my back to other relatives. It was excruciating. I'm so sorry, I know how you feel. I cried so much over it.

What an absolute bitch your sil is. I feel sorry for her that she has to be that awful to people just because of her own insecurities. Dreadful behaviour

Gemini69 · 19/08/2017 21:07

Your SIL was being spiteful and nasty in your most vulnerable period ... she sounds like the type that feed off of everyone else's distress.. the fact your Brother didn't see a real issue with this.. would stop me from telling them anything more about your Divorce and from going round there again...

She's a nasty horrid bint.. you are not being unreasonable x

KickAssAngel · 19/08/2017 21:18

Even people like Sandra Bullock have husbands that cheat. If someone who is internationally famous for being good looking, wealthy, intelligent and successful can have a husband that cheats, I think it's fairly clear that it's not her, it's him. You could be perfection itself but a cheating husband will cheat, no matter what.

kittybiscuits · 19/08/2017 21:22

Well done for showing your upset and leaving. You really find out who's got your back in times like these. Your SIL is a complete shithead.

highinthesky · 19/08/2017 21:24

You know who your friends are, SIL sure ain't one of them.

Original poster

sunshiney78 · 19/08/2017 22:01

Thank you everybody. Feeling much better after reading this. She did seem to feed off my distress: I was enjoying a family night out & didn't want to bring up my stuff, but she kept probing and probing & giving me some psychobabble that didn't really make sense.
Back home, eaten, showered & over it. xx

OP posts:

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 19/08/2017 22:06

I discovered my XDH was OD a few years ago. Threads on here about it at the time, under a different name. Very insensitive of her, and unecessary. As I said at the time, and had always said to XDH, "If one partner wants out, then they need to leave, or try and sort it out. But do it with a bit of dignity." This lacks all dignity. She really shouldn't try and justify his awful behaviour in this way.

RebelRogue · 19/08/2017 23:31

She's a twat who obviously believes you failed in your "little woman" role and thus your husband strayed.

MsGameandWatching · 19/08/2017 23:33

I have had similar said to me and I gave them a good telling off, stormed out and came home. Don't put up with that kind of spin! Before you know it, it will be all your fault or at least equally to blame .

SandyY2K · 20/08/2017 08:27

Very insensitive of her. Is that usually how she is?

I would not discuss it in her presence again and tell your DB not to share your marital /divorce info with her.

If she asks in the future, say you'd rather not discuss it at the moment.

If you don't feel your DB will be able to keep it to himself, then don't tell him.

AufderAutobahn · 20/08/2017 10:09

Fucking hell. Your SIL sounds like a total bitch, of course you weren't being oversensitive! Is she always like this? Do you ever need to speak to her again? I don't think I would! Well done for leaving

Flip