Really confused and really long part 2 no longer so confused or so long

[confuuuuused]

Thank you to everyone who commented on my last thread. Every time I caught myself had a weak moment, wanting to 'fix' things, or getting caught up in plans that we had made etc I would read the replies for a reality check.
I linked a friend as it was easier than explaining and she showed her mum and were considering showing it to my mum, needless to say I panicked (I've told my mum some more, she knows he owes me £700 personal money although not told her about the care money he used yet) but it was written anon as a complete dump with lots of personal details in I don't want sharing so I asked MN to pull the thread (asked my friend who knows everything to save it first in case I have a weak moment). MN said they would delete it but could I do a post explaining first

Very glad you have shared with your friend, OP. Hope all goes well for you.

He is arriving tomorrow and I'm nervous. Just to state notnervous for my safety or anything like that, just as to what the mood is going to be like. If he is cold and horrible for 3 weeks it will be horrible but make saying goodbye easy, if things are good it's going to make saying bye hard. I'm still alternating between being angry and then in excusing things and wanting everything to be ok. I was looking back through some photos last night at the really good times and feeling sad there over and then saw a pic of me smiling and remembered he had tried to convince me we needed to leave the place as I looked so awful I was ruining the experience for the children there so that memory gave me a kick up the backside not to just think of the good times