For the sake of the children..?

[ChangChang]

Likely to be long, sorry!

Left XP in April, taking 3 DCs with me to stay with relatives. Long history of (I feel) EA and minor physical incidents (pushes, shoves) that began including eldest DS (11), who reported XPs actions to school.
Been trying my best to keep DCs in contact with their dad, DS1 has spent quite a bit of time with him trying to resolve issues and because of daily practice and frequent sporting competitions - which XP has always dominated doing with DS1.
XP swings from Mr Nasty, constantly criticising everything I do and demanding money, etc. to being desperate to have me back and the family back together.
I believe he's been working on DS1 emotionally, telling him that XP will have to sell the house, etc.
I am so confused. I will never be able to own my own house, car, etc and give the DCs the security they should have, financially. XP has not taken responsibility for any of his actions, and makes me feel like I left for no good reason. What if I've made the wrong call? DS1 is apparently happier staying with his dad than with me, so can things really have been as bad as I felt they were? Should I suck it up, go back, and give my children their secure home back? I'm so confused :(

Your XP was abusive enough to have his own DS report him to school, and is now emotionally manipulating him (and by extension you). You have done utterly the right thing separating from him and no amount of 'hoovering' on his part should be enough to suck you back in now you have seen him for what he is.

Did you post on here or elsewhere at the time? It may be that you need to revisit those feelings and try to remember how bad it was, as you certainly didn't split up your family on a whim. Over time you have put on your rose tinted reminiscing goggles and forgotten what it was that had DS so worried he had to turn to outside agencies to help him.

He may now be trying desperately to cling onto a bond with his dad but that doesn't mean you were wrong or that XP is somehow a better parent than you.

If your XP is threatening your DS with instability he is not doing him any favours - be his stability. Be constant in your decision to provide a better life for you all, don't wobble and show weakness because that proves that XP is 'right' in his assertions that he did nothing wrong. In your heart you know that's not true.

I know it's hard when you can see an easy way back, but try to remember what brought you here. If your XP were actually acknowledging what he had done and seeking some help to be a better partner you might have reason to wobble. But he has shown no understanding of what he did to you or to his DCs. It's classic emotional manipulation.

NO, NO, NO.

Do NOT go back.

He is playing mind games with you and using the children to do so. He was abusive physically and emotionally. The WORST thing you can do for your children (let alone yourself) is to take them back to this house and show them that sort of relationship is normal.

Your ex partner is an ex for very good reason. Do not go back to him.

Why would you want your children to be at all in contact with their abuser of a father?. Your son after all also reported his dad's actions to his school. The man does not care about his children or for that matter you. He continues to manipulate his son through these sporting events. It was also never your son's role either to be any sort of mediator and that is a role he needs to stop immediately.

Stop pandering to your ex and stop facilitating any direct contact with any of you. He is still controlling you really by you at all doing that. If you have to communicate with him at all do so through a Solicitor. This individual is never ever going to be at all reasonable or play fair.

Your children would much rather have a mother finally free of her abuser than material possessions. Their happiness as well as yours is far more valuable. I would also suggest you contact Womens Aid for further support as well as enrolling on their Freedom Programme.

It doesn't sound like you love him anymore, or even like him. That's no basis for a relationship - and no example to set for your children of what a relationship should be. You made the right call leaving.

You are not imagining things he really was that bad. He is dysfunctional and projects that into you and your children each time you allow it.

Owning your own home is no price to pay for being free and happy (with the obvious chance of finding love again too)

Your son will always love his father and kids don't really understand abuse usually because they are used to it and don't know any different.

I admire your courage for leaving, please stay strong and stop having contact with him.

It's highly likely his contact with the kids will reduce once he realises he can't worm his way back into your affections.